Narcissism/Humility (mostly Narcissism)
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|Wed, 05-13-2009 - 11:16am|
I went to my shrink last night. I know I'm a screwup and two weeks ago when I went in, Doc and my spouse just blasted me. It was well deserved. I totally expected and somehow welcomed what I felt was going to be another round of what I'm doing wrong. I welcomed the last session, I'm very open right now to criticizm and find myself improving my relationships at home n leaps and bounds.
I sat down on the couch and simply said "bring it" as I motioned with my hand in a welcoming fashion. The Doc apologized for last week. I said "why, I welcomed what you had to say, it was true, and that's why I'm here." He said, "I treated you in a way that a concerned friend would treat another and not as your shrink." (he didn't say "shrink") He said that over the past month or so he's struggled to see me as a patient because he finds himself looking forward to our meetings and enjoys the intelligent discussions. He finds that we are becoming friends and that we may have to discuss at some point how this affects our professional relationship as Doctor/client.
Then we got to the meat of some important issues.
We talked about this messageboard. I told him that I see myself coming to a point where I may not need this support group as much as I did so many months ago. How this group of people saved my life and I feel a pressing need to pass down the care, advice, and emotional strength that was passed on to me. But that I worry about the board keeping me from progressing and finally letting go of the affair. He said that support groups are self sustaining. That the new people get help from the people who are on their way out and when they get to a certain point, they turn around and pass it on the yet another generation as they are on their way out. I'm seeing this. I see some of the people who came onto this list long after I did, and they are being so wise and supportive of the folks who come in after them.
I'm not saying I'm bailing off this list, But I have a new perspective about my role here. I also know that I say things and feel things that other people don't agree with. I'm sorry if what I've said on this list has hurt anyone's feelings. That was never my intention.
Having said that:
I asked my shrink why I'm doing relatively well after only ten months. I see a lot of people taking a great deal more time to get over their spouses affairs. If ever. Why isn't the affair so raw for me right now, and why am I finding myself almost happy that it happened in a weird twisted way? He looked at me and said. "Because you, as the betrayed spouse, owned your end of the disaster in your marriage from the start." Most betrayed spouses just point their finger at the WS and say, YOU DID THIS. And they imagine that if the WS would just fix themselves, that the marriage will get back to normal." "Tom, she is going to do what she is going to do, but YOU made changes in your marriage, and those changes seem to be permanent changes. It often takes six to eight months for the BS to realize that they played a negative role in their marriage. You skipped that period in the rebuilding process."
We then got into the issue of anniversaries. Next week is the anniversary of her HS reunion where she slept with her HS boyfriend while I was at my biggest trade-show of the year. She is flying out for the trade-show this year to be with me for most of it. This is the start of seven weeks of one year anniversaries of the affair. I know every date and time from the phone records of what she and he did. Ugh!
Shrink said, "Own it!" It isn't going to be easy, but make new memories and try and make them good ones. "This will not be easy, But they will be new ones about you two." This sounded like good advice.
I mentioned that in all the books I read and from his sessions. That I see and hear things on this list that I didn't find in the books or from IC. Hysterical bonding for example and the 180 list. He said that therapist are often looking from the outside in. "I can listen to you describe your feelings about sex right after D Day but I don't fully understand it."
He then said that in aspects, "you (Thomas) know more about this subject than I do." "I know about the process, but you understand and can articulate the feelings."
I think I understand why he struggles to see me as a client now, but rather as a friend. I am in a way, sort of an expert in my local culture, and the shrink is simply an outsider. He often asks for my insight into the local cultural issues. I think he is beginning to see me more as a peer than a client. I'm not sure that I'm uncomfortable with that. I'll just have to let that percolate in my brain for a while.
I welcome any insights, drop kicks, venting, or anger about this post. It wasn't written with the intent to hurt anyone's feelings.
5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008
Status: Figuring it out. Together.
Edited 5/13/2009 11:32 am ET by pater_familia