Narcissism/Humility (mostly Narcissism)

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Registered: 09-12-2008
Narcissism/Humility (mostly Narcissism)
6
Wed, 05-13-2009 - 11:16am

I went to my shrink last night. I know I'm a screwup and two weeks ago when I went in, Doc and my spouse just blasted me. It was well deserved. I totally expected and somehow welcomed what I felt was going to be another round of what I'm doing wrong. I welcomed the last session, I'm very open right now to criticizm and find myself improving my relationships at home n leaps and bounds.

I sat down on the couch and simply said "bring it" as I motioned with my hand in a welcoming fashion. The Doc apologized for last week. I said "why, I welcomed what you had to say, it was true, and that's why I'm here." He said, "I treated you in a way that a concerned friend would treat another and not as your shrink." (he didn't say "shrink") He said that over the past month or so he's struggled to see me as a patient because he finds himself looking forward to our meetings and enjoys the intelligent discussions. He finds that we are becoming friends and that we may have to discuss at some point how this affects our professional relationship as Doctor/client.

Then we got to the meat of some important issues.

We talked about this messageboard. I told him that I see myself coming to a point where I may not need this support group as much as I did so many months ago. How this group of people saved my life and I feel a pressing need to pass down the care, advice, and emotional strength that was passed on to me. But that I worry about the board keeping me from progressing and finally letting go of the affair. He said that support groups are self sustaining. That the new people get help from the people who are on their way out and when they get to a certain point, they turn around and pass it on the yet another generation as they are on their way out. I'm seeing this. I see some of the people who came onto this list long after I did, and they are being so wise and supportive of the folks who come in after them.

I'm not saying I'm bailing off this list, But I have a new perspective about my role here. I also know that I say things and feel things that other people don't agree with. I'm sorry if what I've said on this list has hurt anyone's feelings. That was never my intention.

Having said that:

I asked my shrink why I'm doing relatively well after only ten months. I see a lot of people taking a great deal more time to get over their spouses affairs. If ever. Why isn't the affair so raw for me right now, and why am I finding myself almost happy that it happened in a weird twisted way? He looked at me and said. "Because you, as the betrayed spouse, owned your end of the disaster in your marriage from the start." Most betrayed spouses just point their finger at the WS and say, YOU DID THIS. And they imagine that if the WS would just fix themselves, that the marriage will get back to normal." "Tom, she is going to do what she is going to do, but YOU made changes in your marriage, and those changes seem to be permanent changes. It often takes six to eight months for the BS to realize that they played a negative role in their marriage. You skipped that period in the rebuilding process."

We then got into the issue of anniversaries. Next week is the anniversary of her HS reunion where she slept with her HS boyfriend while I was at my biggest trade-show of the year. She is flying out for the trade-show this year to be with me for most of it. This is the start of seven weeks of one year anniversaries of the affair. I know every date and time from the phone records of what she and he did. Ugh!

Shrink said, "Own it!" It isn't going to be easy, but make new memories and try and make them good ones. "This will not be easy, But they will be new ones about you two." This sounded like good advice.

I mentioned that in all the books I read and from his sessions. That I see and hear things on this list that I didn't find in the books or from IC. Hysterical bonding for example and the 180 list. He said that therapist are often looking from the outside in. "I can listen to you describe your feelings about sex right after D Day but I don't fully understand it."

He then said that in aspects, "you (Thomas) know more about this subject than I do." "I know about the process, but you understand and can articulate the feelings."

I think I understand why he struggles to see me as a client now, but rather as a friend. I am in a way, sort of an expert in my local culture, and the shrink is simply an outsider. He often asks for my insight into the local cultural issues. I think he is beginning to see me more as a peer than a client. I'm not sure that I'm uncomfortable with that. I'll just have to let that percolate in my brain for a while.

I welcome any insights, drop kicks, venting, or anger about this post. It wasn't written with the intent to hurt anyone's feelings.

"Bring it!"

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.




Edited 5/13/2009 11:32 am ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Wed, 05-13-2009 - 12:22pm

Thomas


I will remember you as a success story in my dark times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 2:24pm

Hi pater,
I'm an old timer now, almost three years down but I still visit some. Lately I've been around alot, not really sure why, I think lots of old timers visit occasionally. A few things about what you said.
1)It only took 10 months. Everyone is different and you are wondering why it was shorter for you. There are people on both sides of the bell curve. You have been very active in pursuit of healing and your wife has gone along with the plan. Some people are so shocked they can't find a direction and/or the WS doesn't get it yet. It plays out different for all of us. I was up front and proactive and my WS got it and it still took 2 years. I think it was about our third counseling session where he brought up what I had done wrong in the marriage. Most of it was old stuff that I had corrected prior to the affair but he still laid it out there. I just didn't have alot to change, because I already had, he just hadn't seen it. Why such a short time for you, I have no idea, but good for you.
2)Passing the torch......this is an amazing place where we help eachother to move through the worst time in our lives. I still remember the first person who posted a response to me. This place was a lifesaver at times. I walked away from this board many times, thinking it kept me too involved but I always came back. Sadly but there will always be people who understand here. Now being almost 3 years out I post on occasion just to let people know that life does go on. I was always thankful for those old timers who showed me the light at the end of the tunnel.
3) Your shrink..........I'm assuming that you mean psychologist and not psychiatrist. Now I know nothing about you except for the few posts of yours that I have read and I know nothing of your counselor except what you have written. But to me your counselor who is saying that he is losing his objective perspective about you is starting to cross the line. Professional ethics in counseling is very difficult. <<<< "I can listen to you describe your feelings about sex right after D Day but I don't fully understand it." >>>> I don't understand why a trained counselor does not understand the intense need for intimacy in times of tragedy. That sounds like psych 101 to me. Pater, I hate to say it but take a good look at the relationship. Does this counselor have a crush on you? I really am not trying to be offensive. I don't post much anymore but your post brought me out of hiding (again) because this felt wrong to me. If he admittedly has said hat he sees you more as a friend than as a patient the line has been crossed. And you want a counselor, not a friend. Friends bring their baggage along and lose perspective in the pile of their own stuff. You have searched out a counselor, a neutral party with no baggage attached. I think you need a new counselor.

Again no offense, just think about it.

L

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 2:51pm

"Again no offense, just think about it."

No offense taken, I was hoping for just this kind of post. Thank you kindly.

Thomas

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 10:50am

Tom..I am glad that you are doing so well.


I have been not been aorund as much in the past as life and 4 girls seem to take up my time. I lurk once in a while but at this point I really don't have much to offer.


I can't offer hope the way you do. I picked my path: Divorce and I would not wish this on anyone.


Please stick aorund. I think people need to hear about your achievements.


Jack...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 11:05am

I agree.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 12:07pm

I appreciate the opinions, I think you folks are right that I may need to reevaluate my shrink. I've felt for some time that I'm moving past therapy. I brought my son in for several sessions and they went really well. DW and I had a conflict (not with each other) beginning about a month ago and so I brought her in for a session. This last session DW urged me to go alone.

I have to say that I left the session feeling like a million bucks. But your right, there are some problems here.

--

Like I said, next week is the beginning of the one year anniversaries for the worst of her affairs. I'm leaving Sunday and DW is flying out on Wednesday for my trade show. This one is really busy, I'm at it from 6:00 am to well past my normal bedtime starting Wednesday and it ends late Saturday night. Got my fingers crossed it's going to go well with DW. The next seven weeks could get ugly.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.