NC letter sent 2 hrs after confrontation

Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
NC letter sent 2 hrs after confrontation
14
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:16pm

(See earlier post today)

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After I found the e-mail this morning I immediately e-mailed H @ work. I told him I needed action as his words have not been trust-worthy. I told him the only way I could be assured he has ended it with the OW was to send an email to her, CC'd to me.

1 hr later H writes me ....
"Good lord. I think the response I sent was “I am fine”. I have blocked her address in hotmail. Go check. I need to work."

1 more hour later I receive this as CC, to her email address:
"I am trying to work things out with Bonnie. In order to do that I need to
cut all contact with you. Futher contact only hurts Bonnie and you.
I hope you will follow my wishes."

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We'll see if this seems to help us proceed better.

Thx,
Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:26pm

OK...this is good. He seemed annoyed, but did send the e-mail. I would take him at his work, unless there is any indication that the communication continues. If he respondes to her in any way...he will need to find a new place to live.

Hang on...Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 7:26pm

Well, I'm glad he followed your wishes, I just wish he didn't make it sound like such a chore!

I'm with Julie...if he crosses the line one more time, tell him he's out the door...you deserve better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:15pm

I responded in your other thread.


My continued line of thought about it, after reading the NC letter, is that while he asked to be left alone, he makes no mention of it being detrimental to himself, his own healing etc. Perhaps that should be explored, because he needs to cut contact because he can acknowledge it

Solazzo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 9:36am

Not to pick at straws but you notice that Bonnie was the cc not the bcc.

This letter reaks of "My wife asked me to do this so I am following her orders to keep the peace at home."

Showing Bonnie that he blocked OW's email, phone and IM address would be more beneficial.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 10:50am

I am a straw picker...yes I noticed.


However I don't want to overshadow the positive things he is doing, by my own nit picky tendencies. This is not the average A. It has the

Solazzo

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 7:08pm

What is the difference between CC & BCC?

I asked him to make me CC, I don't even know what BCC is, hmmm, and I've worked with computers for over 10 yrs for a living - ooops :-)

I wanted him to CC it to me, more so that she knows a copy was sent to me. He used a simplified version of a no contact letter I obtained from a marriage coach website. I would have liked it to sound more promising toward me, but I don't think it is possible. With everything that is going on I really don't think he can deal with more stress or point out things that would only lower his self-esteem more. He built that relationship telling the OW he was tired of lying & playing games & he didn't have to with her - yet he was telling her lies about me. What lies, dunno, but I've mentioned a few times how he lied to to her in regards to me to help bring her closer to him & he's never denied it. So now coming to her & saying, I was playing games & my wife is not the horrible person I've portrayed her to be is sucking up too much more than he can chew while dealing with the fact he now suffers a mental illness. Admitting you have a mental illness is hard to do.

He's still having a rough time. I was up with him all night 2 Sunday's ago b/c he was so suicidal & thought he was too tired to fight any longer.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him. It is what it is though. I was not expecting more.

Thanks for your concern :-)

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 9:58pm

CC refers to carbon copy (from the olden days when we typed an placed a carbon sheet in between the original and our file copies)... think three part forms etc. in email it's apparent who you have sent a cc to because it shows in the address line


BCC is a blind carbon copy...meaning the person receiving it is assured that it's

Solazzo

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 10:53pm

Solazzo,

Thanks! I figured that was what the BCC was when it was mentioned, I looked on my email & don't have it. I'm still using an old version though - old habits sometimes die hard. I knew what CC was, I'm old enough for that :-)

But I WANTED her to see I was CC'd, but that was b/c in the sample letter I found & gave to H had a section that stated all communication is/will be shared with my wife. I don't think H understood that. Oh well, it was sent w/o my knowledge and/or input.

No, he has not, from what I can find, been soliciting the contact. It's always her trying to find some reason for him to reply (what should she do with her keys to his apt, did he receive his pkg containing a shirt he left behind, etc.) The replies I have found from H were in the same tone as the NC letter was. Such as, 'throw the keys away.' But at this point the quality of contact doesn't matter. As long as there is contact he's letter her know he's still here & keeps her trying other methods.

Now that the NC Letter has been sent I'm expecting her to show up here in the next couple of weeks. It will be interesting, still have no idea how to respond - sometimes it's probably better not to plan.

I would believe you are right. If STBX is with SH's home (okay was does SH stand for?) and is being enabled, I'm willing to bet he's drinking & not medicating.

Using substnaces, such as alcohol, brings quicker relief than any drug ever will. Although this self-medication also brings the lows lower. Even if logically they can see that their emotional state thinks they can control it but they need relief now, not later, so they'll take the chance.

The funny thing to me is, many depressives do not take their meds b/c of the side-effects -- but what is a hangover? I think hangovers are more debilitating than any A/D medication! Plus as your body gets used to the med it accepts it & then they go away for the duration, but hangovers will always come back. As my IC kept reminding me, the way the mind works with mental illness is incomprehendable to us.

Getting H to this point has not been easy & I finally realized I had to wait for him to fall down pretty hard before he could take it seriously enough. I personally thought this process was going waaaaay too slow & was frustrated. But when I went to my support group the members were in awe of H and how far he'd come in such a short amount of time. Wow! This really helped me rearrange how I evaluate his progress and has helped my frustration level.

In my F2F class there is another wife. It's nice to hear somebody suffering the same frustrations & wanting to yell the same things as I want to yell at my H. (Such as.... 'It's not all about you' or 'grow up and get over it!'

Here's what research is finding now - maybe this will help explain your STBX a little bit. Our brains are not fully developed until we're between 21-25 yrs of age. Before this we are not able to control all impulses. (A lot of people who know this do not like the idea we send our 18yo to foreign lands to defend our country.) So what happens with the MI is the brain never completed developed. So the raging hormones that drove us as teens still drive the MI. Sometimes it can be supressed, but stressors & other triggers bring it back. Maybe while suffering depression this part of of the brain starts to shut down. Who knows, there is still a lot to learn as scientist really only started to look at the brain in the 90s.

I did tell H when he returned that I believe I was the one who suffered the most pain from the A (not the illness), but he is the one who has the most to recover from. Then to put this illness & alcohol abuse ontop of the A, this is going to be a very tough year for him.

He is surviving. That is all right now. But docs are surprised he's not dead or in jail. Especially the ones who saw him in full psychosis. His therapist told him in 20 yrs of practice he'd never seen someone in bad of shape as my H.

I'm sorry you could not help lead your STBX closer to the water. I've been dealing with that for well over a decade now. It is so hard to see the one you love self-destruct and be so helpless in it all. For those who are lurking - imagine a loved one wasting away in a hospital bed refusing pain medication or any meds that would help heal. An illness is an illness.

Thanks again Solazzo!

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:59am

SH = Skanky Ho, also happens to be OW's initials, and it was my DD that coined the phrase. I keep telling her we must NOT refer to her father's partner as skanky ho anymore. DD says but it's funny, and suits the situation. Besides everyone, and I mean everyone including my lawyer thinks it's a riot, particularly women for some reason. In any case I don't say it in front of DD, preferring to use the woman's first name, but DD always smirks when I do that because she thinks SH. I have to say that 17 yo DD is entitled to name the woman anything she wants, and will regardless of the political correctness I'm trying to interject into the matter. Frankly DD is peeved at it all...SH and her H were friends of ours, family vacations and the whole nine yards. DD has anger and resentment which falls on their deaf ears. I figure the name is going to stick and be used like a pressure release valve for a loooooong time.


Well Bonnie I had to stop watching the train wreck quite some time ago. We've been separated for over two years now. Treatment is non-existent from what I can see and I believe he IS an alcoholic. This past spring I actually didn't recognize him, all puffy faced and blotchy. I walked past him at a school function we both attended separately. He had to speak to me before I noticed him. This fall we spent several hours together with DD on a few occasions (university tours) and he was weird, detached and uninvolved. Of course SH had to text message him constantly throughout both afternoons, even telephoned. What did she think was going to happen? That I'd planned an intervention, force fed him meds and we'd reconcile over the tour of the residences?


Yes you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink, unless you're the SH and it's vodka...apparently that works for some...


Solazzo

Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 10:44am

OMG this post is too funny!

Seeing me & my siblings have been where your DD is, she'll never stopped calling her a SH - maybe in front of other people, but in her head it will always be SH. My guess once she is 18 and on her own her relationship with dad will deterriate completely. Which could actually be beneficial to your STBX. Wake him up a little more. Not immediately, but over time when he really starts to miss her - over holidays & such. Has your DD gone through any counceling? She has a lot of anger & resentment built up which could effect her future relationships.

You've been doing the PC thing for a while now. I wonder if every now & then if you break down & exaggerate the SH comments it could also make the release a little stronger for your DD. Sort of a comradity. Sure her friends can do that with her, but they don't feel the pain she does - but you do, so it could mean more. Perhaps after the release you can mention how it felt good, butthe SH is a person and needs to be respected as a person in most occassions - but every now and then it's good to release your emotions toward her.

No, you cannot make the horse drink, but if it's thirsty you'd think it would. But I was thinking last night, we're not guiding horses, we're guiding Jackasses. It's a longer, harder struggle to get them to the water & even if they are thirsty they just may be too stubborn to drink - unless, as you said, it's a SH & Vodka (LOL!).

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Princeton's definition of a jackass:
~ fathead: a man who is a stupid incompetent fool

Mules & More definition:
~ the male of the ass family (equus asinus)

Princeton's definition of equus asinus:
~ domestic ass: domestic beast of burden descended from the African wild ass; patient but stubborn




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng

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