Need some input ASAP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Need some input ASAP
15
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:43am

Last year, H went to a blues festival in Memphis with a mutual (male) friend of ours. His friend is going again this year and wants H to go. He would most likely fly out on a Friday morning and return Sunday. The trip is at the end of January and he needs to let his friend know by tomorrow if he is going so that plane tickets can be purchased.

H and I are going to discuss it tonight. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be controlling and tell hubby he "can't" go, plus, he really had a good time last year and I know he would enjoy himself this year. My problem is that I don't think that I'm ready for him to go away for a weekend without me yet (remember, he only moved back home in Dec).

Also, although I like the friend he would be going with (we are couple friends with him and his on-again, off-again girlfriend), I'm just not sure of this person's personal values when it comes to marriage/affairs. He has been married and divorced twice, he and his girlfriend act like a couple of teenagers in regards to how they are constantly breaking up and getting back together (this is always very dramatic with the last time resulting in certified letters being exchanged... these people are 50!). Also, this person knew of the affair, told me that he didn't like OW, but never said anything to my H to the affect that what H was doing was wrong. The person saw the trama I was going through and but still at one point got in my face and said rather meanly, "Can't you see, H has moved on... he's over you!" WTF!

So, what do I do? I don't want H to think I am being clingy or controlling. I want to get to the point where I totally trust him. Maybe it's not even so much a matter of trust. I think I am just scared that this friend will somehow say something to my H that will make him second guess his choice to work on our marriage. I can honestly say that if H wanted to go with a different friend somewhere, I would most likely have no problem with it (even at this early stage).

I don't know how to address this and I need your help!!!

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:06am

I see two questions here.

How do you feel about his friend?

And How does it make you feel if your husband goes with friend?

How does your husband feel about this friend?
And how does it make your husband feel if he doesn't go?

If your husband does go what can he do to make you feel safe?

And one more thing if your husband doesn't go then make sure you plan something special during the event times so that he won't feel resentful.
My advice is to let him know you don't want him to go but it is his choice. And make sure you express your feelings...

My husband's Xmas party I told him I wasn't going that I didn't want him to go but I wasn't going to get pissy at him if he did go. My husband never missed a Xmas party previous to his affair. so I know he battled with the decision. Instead he decided not to go and took me out instead so that he wouldn't feel resentment. Best wishes I know you will get thru this and if he goes post here often to relive that anxiety. Hugs, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:08am
ONe more thing. I knew if husband did go to the Xmas party that it was going to add to my resentment and show me his lack of commitment but I really did have intentions of not making him "pay" for going if he chose to do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:11am

bbalm,

Yeah, that's a tough one. I had something similar come up early in rebuilding. My H had to go out of town for business, actually he did not have to go but he had always gone to this seminar and he wanted to go again. He was going with another guy from work, and I assume this fellow knew of the closeness between H and the other co-worker, so I wasn't thrilled with his choice of traveling companion. Everything in me wanted to say NO don't go. But I didn't. Instead I realized that if I threw a fit or begged him not to go there'd be issues about that. H would feel untrusted and angry over that, even if he didn't voice it. So instead I chose to "let" him go but I did sit down with him and tell him that I was feeling anxious about the trip and needed reassurances from him about it. We agreed that he would go and he would phone as often as he could. So he went and he did call me a couple of times a day. He was gone for 4 days and 3 nights. I survived, he enjoyed the program...all was good. I think it helped us both to talk about it before he went so he understood that this time it wasn't just a normal business trip and that he needed to take extra care to keep in contact with me. It helped me a lot to put into words my feelings and know that he understood my anxiety and was willing to do what he could to help me cope with it.

So talk to your H, tell him how you're feeling and work out a plan of how you can both get what you need and come out on the other side in good shape.

Hugs,
VLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 1:43pm


<<>>

If any of my exhusbands friends ever got in my face and disrespected me in that manner my husband wouldn't be going anywhere with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 2:05pm
I wholeheartedly agree. Any friends of either of us would not be friends unless they were friends of OUR MARRIAGE. Period. To do otherwise is playing with fire hoping you don't get burned. And if you don't get burned the first time, you get brave and take risks again and before you know it you're back to where you were. Remember affairs are insidiously subtle, and never intended. That's why you hear WS's say it "just happened". So you don't put yourself in situations where it could "just happen" since you now know your mates vulnerabilities. That's my take on the matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 3:24pm

Thanks everybody! Your replies have given me a lot to think about (which I have been doing while I process some mindless data entry stuff at work today).

Tea - I see what you're getting at (ala Retrouvaille!). Maybe we could actually dialogue those questions tonight.

VLB - I agree that I definitely need to discuss with him my anxious feelings about him going and what (who) they stem from.

Sally - Although the friend was drunk at the time he made this statement to me, and in his mind he may have thought it was "tough love" you are correct that it was still disrespectful (trust me, I was clearly distraught (read: hysterical) enough prior to him saying this).

Married - Yes, you are right that each of our individual friends should also be friends of our marriage (and the concept of marriage in general). Clearly, this individual was trying to play both side of the fence. I know that both he and his gf would say different things to both H and I in an effort to support both of us.

You are all 100% correct that my fears are based on the friend he is going with. I in know way think that OW will be there or that H will "have fun" with any other women while he's away. All of my fears surround this friend and my belief that under the right circumstances (say, a few too many beers) he might say something to my husband that in some way causes H to second guess his choice to reconcile.

One item I forsee coming up in our discussion is that H believes that friends should support each other, even when they are doing something wrong. He thinks I see everything in black and white. I know he will defend this friend and his actions as they related to me. I am afraid he will take my criticism of this other person as a negative reflection on him. Also, he may think that I wouldn't have these concerns if I truly trusted him.
Well, of course I am still working on trust - it doesn't come back immediately. I just know that my H is so concerned what his friends think. Their approval of him and his actions is very important to him. I'm concerned because I know they will be drinking a lot and things get said when people are tipsy that wouldn't be said otherwise.

UGHHHHHHHH!

If you have any other thoughts, please send them my way before 5pm. I have written down keys points from each of your posts that I want to try to remember when we discuss this tonight (God, I hope we don't get into an argument over this!). Thanks again everybody for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully.

love,
bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 3:27pm

I agree with Sally....H wouldn't be friends with someone who treated me like that.

Also, your husband has only been back in your home for one month. IMHO that is not long enought to prove he can be trusted. That early in our rebuilding, H wouldn't have been going anywhere without me.

That's probably not what you want to hear. Really bbalm...you know if you feel you can trust him. If you can't, it's OK to tell him so.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 4:17pm

bblam, Is there any reason why you can't go as well? If that is not a option then I would have to say be open and honest with him about your fears. Then do the only thing you can do allow him to go.. It is then up to him if he sinks or swims!! I know it is not an easy thing to do. When it is early on like this it is very hard not to let fear get the best of you. But the cold hard truth for all of us is.. We have no control over their free will.. We never have and never will.. I know how hard this is for you but all you can do is be honest and open with how you feel to him. The rest is up to him!!

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSS Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 4:42pm

What you said is sad but true, Irene. When push comes to shove, we really don't have control over our FWS or anybody else for that matter (except ourselves, of course).

I am trying to plan my words carefully so that he understands that my problem lies more with who he is going with than with him actually going. I can honestly say that there are others he could go with and I would have no problem. I know though that it is really up to him to be able to not be influenced by others... I just wish he was going with someone that I wouldn't be so concerned might try to negatively influence him (or would at least influence him in the direction of staying true to me and our marriage). It's not that this friend is a bad person, per se, it's just that I am not completely comfortable with his stand on marriage and infidelity. I've never really sat down and had a conversation with this friend about his values; I am just going by what I see - I could be completely wrong. But my gut just tells me that he isn't the best person for my H to be around alone with right now and my gut hasn't failed me in the past year.

I will not tell my husband what he can and cannot do. We have never had that type of relationship and I won't start now. I will discuss my concerns with him and then leave it up to him. I hope he chooses not to go, but I will try not to hold it over his head if he does.

Thanks again to each and every one of you. You have helped me tremendously!

love,
bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 8:03pm

bblam, I can understand what you are saying. There are a few of my h's friends, that my gut tells me are not good for our marriage. I think you are right to tell him it is more about that then him. I hope he understands and does stay home but if not I hope he is able to help easy your mind. I know trust is not an easy thing for any of us now. But I guess at some point we have to go of our fear and have blind faith. Good luck with your talk. I hope all goes well and as always know we are here for you!

P.s. Thank you for your reply to me update! My h surprised me last night by his actions. Maybe he has learned a thing or two from this just as I have!?!?!

BIG HUGGSS Irene

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