Never thought it would happen
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|Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:22pm|
Not in a million years! But, I have been tossing around in my heart the idea of saying I forgive my dh even though I told him I NEVER would.
Things have been going 'well' for us. My need to talk to him and ask him the details of the A are decreasing as are the flashbacks & triggers. There are still enough of them, but they are decreasing & I am handling them better. For example, I tell myself that this is just a flashback/trigger and it will pass. Dh still stiffens up when I bring up the night of the A because he is uncomfortable talking about it thinking that if we rehash it again, it will make things worse when things are going OK for us.
I've explained to him that talking actually helps me in several ways. The latest being that I understand that he did not meet with her to have an A as crazy/cliche as it may sound. While listening to him, *really* listening to everything he's been saying over the last near 5 months and understanding his POV has helped.
The story: (skip if you want) She lured him there under false pretenses which he should have seen through, but didn't. (dh is, scratch that, WAS not very attentive to girls hitting on him) She tried many of the 'old tricks' to get him to sleep with her and he kept telling her no. She finally asked him for a kiss 'goodbye' then (another old slut trick) and he was already so uncomfortable in the situation, he thought it was an "easy out." Quick peck on the cheek and he's outta there. That's when she pushed his lips to her chest (she was wearing a jacket that was unzipped to the cleavage) and his lips brushed her chest. He wasn't expecting her to do that. Why he purposely kissed her chest after that remains a mystery & he emphatically states he doesn't know why he did it. That's when he pulled away & sat back in the seat thinking "WTH am I doing?! WHY did I do that?!," and almost completely blacked out. That's when she must've (had to!) unzipped his pants and went for "it." As soon as he realized what she did & that she barely started OS on him, he shoved her away & yelled "No!" Then got the hell outta there. She bothered him at work and through e-mail for the next several days and he made it clear to her that was NEVER going to happen again & commenced NC unless it was business related & unavoidable. This was before I found out - I found out 6 days after that night. So, I can totally see his POV, though I still struggle with BS thoughts/questions about it. But, it does make sense.
He has been so good since then. To me, himself, our marriage, our kids, family, friends. His whole outlook and focus has changed. He still asks me if I'll ever forgive him, professes his love for me & hopes & prays to God that he can show me how much he loves me and that it will be enough. I really couldn't ask for a better dh, (considering), could I? He is truly remorseful, loves me, our marriage, our life together. And he did, I don't know, "prove it" doesn't quite cover it, but he did refuse to have any kind of sexual encounter with slutty OW so that says a lot. I know many of you would love for your dh/bf to have walked away with "minimal damage" done.
So, if I'm even thinking about forgiving him, does that mean I already have? The hard part is admitting it to him. Not to make him suffer, but it feels like in some way, I'm saying I'm OK with what happened even though I certainly am not. But, we need to continue to move forward and forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. Additionally, he is going away on a business trip for a few days in a few days. I keep thinking I should tell him now if, God forbid, there is an accident that takes his life. I wouldn't want to live with knowing he died wondering if I'd ever forgive him. I know how morbid this is, but it's my thoughts lately. I guess I answered myself, didn't I? Now to figure out when & how to tell him. I want it to be special.
Thanks for listening to me & "helping" me come to a conclusion. LOL If it weren't for most of you here, I'd still be lost. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.