new here--my saga

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
new here--my saga
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:10am

So glad I found this board. But of course, I wish I didn't have to be here ;)

H and I have been married for 9 years, dated for 3 years prior. He cheated on me when we were dating, swore it would never happen again blah blah blah.... Fast forward to our 4th year of marriage, I found out he had been chatting with people on adultfriendfinder. It was around the same time our son was diagnosed with autism. I had TOO much on my plate. I gave him hell he begged and pleaded that I forgive him and he agreed to see a therapist but only went for a few sessions. Fast forward to the present. We have another child that we adopted this past summer. Around the same time we were getting ready to bring her home, our son began having some serious medical problems. In September H told me that he was very confused and had been seeing a therapist. That he didn't know what he wanted. Three weeks later he told me he wanted to stay married and wanted us to give our marriage the chance we never did. He said he wanted to be emotionally and physically intimate. (By the way, we had not had sex for close to 3 years)

From October to January things really did begin to change. He seemed happier and more relaxed. He was affectionate again, bought me lingerie and jewelry and we began having sex again. i couldn't help but feel that he was feeling extremely guilty and that *someone* else had to have been in his life. Of course he swore up and down there hadn't been anyone else. Then sometime in March I found emails on his computer to and from a woman who works for him. It was obvious he was (or thought he was) deeply in love with her and she did not share the same feelings. He later told me they had been on a business trip two years ago and kissed. He'd wanted her to return to his room but she refused. Over the following week, I digged deeper in his computer and found emails from another woman at work. She was pursuing him and he was clearly trying to avoid her but later admitted that she had performed oral sex on him once at work in the men's room and once at our house when I was out of town. I begged him to come clean with everythihng and after much insistence he did tell me about someone else. He had met her at a conference two years ago. He slept with her on two occassions and they had phone sex regularly. He swears he has not spoken to her in months. He tells me he know what he wants now. That for so long he was avoiding real intimacy with me. but that now he feels that everything he ever wanted was here with me and with our family.

We both come from very dysfunctional homes. And just after we were married we went through a very tough 18 months. I'd lost my mom and grandmother within two months of each other. My brother tried to commit suicide, my father had to be admitted to a psych ward for a brief period. On H's side, his father and grandmother died. His father died rather unexpectedly. His mom had died 2 years earlier. And then I delivered our son 10 weeks premature at 2 lbs. There has been constant stress in our lives. And growing distant from each other was an easy way not to deal with so much pain.

When I first learned about H's affairs, I felt a great sense of peace and relief for finally knowing. I think he too was relieved that things were finally in the open. I felt like we grew closer. But now that the shock has worn off and the dust has settled I am SO angry and SO sad. It's hard to feel anything in between. He wants to know what i need from him to feel better and get through this but there's no answer. There are constant reminders of what he's done and the woman he has been with and all the lies. We're both in individual therapy. He came to a session with my therapist and I did the same with his. At some point i know we need to do couples therapy but I'm just not there yet.

anyway, gotta get the kids up and get started with the day. The hardest thing is that i have these crying episodes during the day that I just can't seem to control.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:41am
HI! I am identify with the crying fits, I remeber one tiem I was on the bath room floor crying and my 2 year old walked in, I tried to hid my face but he saw me. He walked up to me, straddled my leg and just hugged me then he kissed me, it was his first kiss. Thats when I knew I wouldnt let my husband hurt me to the point it would effect my son. That was fuel to the fire and from there I layed out what I needed and wanted from him and then asked if he could fulfill my requests. He said yes and here we are three months later better then we've been in years. If theres one thing I've learned from this its DONT SETTLE!!! Live a life your proud of and a life that will set an example for your kids since thats your god given assignment. God has changed my life in amazing ways I dotn know your relgion but, thats the best place to turn. I completely understand the triggers that make you thiink crazy details of him with othere women, my husband had sex with OW a month after my son was born, then kissed a girl several times a few months ago, I saw pictures on his phone and private e-mail so I had faces to get over to. They will go away and I believe with every change I see in him they fade. Your husband may be legit but, I undertand your cautiousness, its only natural. Counseling is what you both need, him more then you, you need ot be sure hes not just talking a plan but, that hes living it in his heart and soul. God Bless!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 6:42pm

I send many thoughts, hugs and prayers your way.

You and your H are on the right path in getting through this. It's great that you're both in IC. I would would talk to your counselors and get their advice on when they think you should also begin MC together. Until then, keep working on yourselves individually. You're going through the typical cycle following the discovery of an A. First there's relief, then a honeymoon stage, then usually a stage of grief followed by the anger stage (or sometimes you go back and forth between those two at the same time). Then it starts all over. So it's normal that you're very angry right now. That's not a bad thing.

If you are both serious about rebuilding and saving your M, it just takes time and continued counseling. If you are both 100% committed to this, you can get through this together. It's just a long road. There are lots of bumps and detours along the way, but it's definitely possible to rebuild. You both just have to want it. My H and I are now almost a year into rebuilding and are happier than ever so you can move forward from this in a positive way.

Continue with the counseling because that will help you to deal with all the emotions following the A and will help him to get to the root of why he cheated and hopefully help him resolve those issues.

I wish you both the best. Stay strong and hang in there. If this is what you both truly want, you CAN make it happen.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 7:03pm
thanks for your responses and support! It's encouraging to hear what you've been through and how far you've come. The hardest part right now is manging my temptation to keep asking for details over and over again. and to keep from snooping :(