new here--my saga
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|Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:10am|
So glad I found this board. But of course, I wish I didn't have to be here ;)
H and I have been married for 9 years, dated for 3 years prior. He cheated on me when we were dating, swore it would never happen again blah blah blah.... Fast forward to our 4th year of marriage, I found out he had been chatting with people on adultfriendfinder. It was around the same time our son was diagnosed with autism. I had TOO much on my plate. I gave him hell he begged and pleaded that I forgive him and he agreed to see a therapist but only went for a few sessions. Fast forward to the present. We have another child that we adopted this past summer. Around the same time we were getting ready to bring her home, our son began having some serious medical problems. In September H told me that he was very confused and had been seeing a therapist. That he didn't know what he wanted. Three weeks later he told me he wanted to stay married and wanted us to give our marriage the chance we never did. He said he wanted to be emotionally and physically intimate. (By the way, we had not had sex for close to 3 years)
From October to January things really did begin to change. He seemed happier and more relaxed. He was affectionate again, bought me lingerie and jewelry and we began having sex again. i couldn't help but feel that he was feeling extremely guilty and that *someone* else had to have been in his life. Of course he swore up and down there hadn't been anyone else. Then sometime in March I found emails on his computer to and from a woman who works for him. It was obvious he was (or thought he was) deeply in love with her and she did not share the same feelings. He later told me they had been on a business trip two years ago and kissed. He'd wanted her to return to his room but she refused. Over the following week, I digged deeper in his computer and found emails from another woman at work. She was pursuing him and he was clearly trying to avoid her but later admitted that she had performed oral sex on him once at work in the men's room and once at our house when I was out of town. I begged him to come clean with everythihng and after much insistence he did tell me about someone else. He had met her at a conference two years ago. He slept with her on two occassions and they had phone sex regularly. He swears he has not spoken to her in months. He tells me he know what he wants now. That for so long he was avoiding real intimacy with me. but that now he feels that everything he ever wanted was here with me and with our family.
We both come from very dysfunctional homes. And just after we were married we went through a very tough 18 months. I'd lost my mom and grandmother within two months of each other. My brother tried to commit suicide, my father had to be admitted to a psych ward for a brief period. On H's side, his father and grandmother died. His father died rather unexpectedly. His mom had died 2 years earlier. And then I delivered our son 10 weeks premature at 2 lbs. There has been constant stress in our lives. And growing distant from each other was an easy way not to deal with so much pain.
When I first learned about H's affairs, I felt a great sense of peace and relief for finally knowing. I think he too was relieved that things were finally in the open. I felt like we grew closer. But now that the shock has worn off and the dust has settled I am SO angry and SO sad. It's hard to feel anything in between. He wants to know what i need from him to feel better and get through this but there's no answer. There are constant reminders of what he's done and the woman he has been with and all the lies. We're both in individual therapy. He came to a session with my therapist and I did the same with his. At some point i know we need to do couples therapy but I'm just not there yet.
anyway, gotta get the kids up and get started with the day. The hardest thing is that i have these crying episodes during the day that I just can't seem to control.
Thanks for listening.