New here...and aching...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
New here...and aching...
5
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 10:06pm
Hi everyone....this is my first post...I didn't even know this board existed, as I didn't have a need for it...until now...my husband of FOUR months cheated on me with his ex-wife, who he has a three year old daughter with...my husband returned from war in December...I spent a year crying every night, sending packages and letters and waiting for the phone to ring....every night was a nightmare and I was so happy for him to come home...a week ago, his ex emailed me a conversation she had recorded on her pc as proof they had sex together a few weeks earlier...my husband denied it for three days, to the point I was losing my mind...I cant believe he would do this to me...we had our first counseling session tonight...he swears it was once and he would never do it again..dont they all though? I am so confused and ashamed and feel so dirty...his ex wife is a disgusting creature...I mean, dirty and gross...she has never held a job, cheated on him while they were together, lied and did all sorts of awful things...what would make him do this? I just dont know...Im hoping we can get through this, as I love him, but the thought of it happening again makes me sick...and then I hate myself for being so weak and not kicking his a** to the curb...what kind of woman am I?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:25am

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm surprised if he went through betrayal with his xW that he would do the same to you. Having been through that pain, I could never inflict it on anyone.

Its good you're in MC. Get to the heart of why he strayed. There's a lot of work on both sides to get past this but many marriages do survive infidelity. Since you just found out, you're going to go through many stages. Questioning if you're doing the right thing is normal. I'm a year past and I still have my moments of doubt, but they pass and it does get better with lots of work and support.

hugs
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:25am

I am sorry you are go thru this. Your marriage can survive. But it takes ALOT of work. What was the ex trying to achieve by telling you this? >>>>>>>.what would make him do this? >>>>>>>>>> Does he believe he still has loving feelings for her? Feelings that he never dealt with after they split up. Did he just jump from one relationship to another?

It's great to hear your in counseling. Make sure you find a good affair therapist. Ask the counselor how many pts she has counseled successfully. As the counselor what kind of books he/she read regarding affairs. What are the counselors fundamentals of healing the BS which is you? If she/he pushes you to heal and forget about it. Then My opinion is you have the wrong counselor. My counselor makes my husband responsible for making me feel safe. It's great. Best wishes, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:35am
You are the kind of woman who loves her husband....the only thing I can offer is to let you know that you are not crazy....what ever emotions you are feeling are normal and justified..dazed and confused doesn't begin to describe the feelings of a betrayed spouse. I am so sorry that you have to go through this but please stay on here because so many women here can offer you great advice and real support. Hugs from afar, C.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:15pm
WELCOME!
I am a recently cheated on navy wife, I've been married for 7 years ( together for 11)and recently found out that the last two deployments my husband went on he cheated. The fact that you choose the struggle to figure out why, when you could of spared yourslef alot of hurt ays your not a quitter and good for you!!!!! I also choose the struggle my husband cheated on me while training twice, I to thought of all the nights I was alone crying for him, taking care of our home adn finances it does feel like a waste now but, here you are. You are a strong smart women who dosnt deserve this but it happened, and everything happens for a reason. You will learn so much about yourself during this path life has delt you. I dotn know if your religious but, God saved me and I believed brought me to this for a reson. I love the girl I see on the mirror you will get that too. Its not you who screwed up, its a weak confused man who luckily for him did something right and choose a I'm guessing beautiful, strong, and smart women as his wife. He needs you, you dont need him, dont be with him because you need him, be with him because you want to. If it ended tomorrow could you take care of yoursef, having a back up plan will help you sleep at night because then youll know with or without him you have a life. Afterall this is your life be who you want, is this person you are now who you want to be? Military wives dont get the luxury of having a normal married routine but, you knew that going into this marriage and you proceeded your alot stronger then you think. My heart hurts for you, I read you letter and cried because your me! You dont even know that great things that can come out of this, my husband and I now are better then ever! At first I expected him to fall all over me and say everythinG I wanted to hear and make these grand jestures to show his love but, now I know it wouldnt of been genuine. I cried so many nights praying for a sign, then they started coming and I'm in love more then before and I have a new found love for me. I pray you hold on to see what can be but, know that no matter what you are an exceptional women isnt doing this for him but, for you to validate this is the life you want not he wants!
GOD BLESS!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 11:18am
Thank you to all who replied to me...I thought long and hard and I am going to make a commitment to our marriage...We already had one couseling session and will have another on Monday...I still don't get why he did it in the first place, especially with such a dirtbag, but whatever...the only thing that might make this worse is I think I may be pregnant...I'm two weeks late and I don't kow what to do about that...I think a child deserves to be in a stable loving home.I have already raised one child on my own and do not want to do it again..perfect timing, no? So as I see it, about the time that I did get pregnant (if I am), he was cheating on me...I'm still in shock from it all, but did return to work yesterday, if only for a few hours to check my email and voice mail...I have a very stressful job case managing teens with emotional and behavioral issues...sometimes, I feel like my huband is one of my clients...We did talk about self control and self disipline...what I thought were some of the Army values...I think he needs to read them again...and again...