New information surfaced about OM.

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Registered: 09-12-2008
New information surfaced about OM.
6
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 2:06pm

Long story-short, my spouse had a full-on affair in 2008 with her high school boyfriend. When I found about it, it was in a dormant period and was about to flair up again. I was devistated. We went through all the typical stages of hysterical bonding, trickle truth, the 180, counciling, reading every book I could get my hands on. I thought that I had done a good job of forgiving, faceing the pain, all that. After two years, I was ready to really move on. 

Early on in all this, DW and I asked a favor from one of my spouses mutual friends whom she shared with the OM and asked her to take two letters to the OM, one from each of us, inviting him to move on and letting him know that we were working things out together. Initially, I thought this had worked out ok. Except that the mutual friend, who was going through a divorce at the time, ended up dating the OM who, in a really awful way that I am not going to fully detail here, cheated on her, and then dumped her via a text message (seriously!). Within a few days of the text to our friend, OM married [yes married] the girl he was cheating with. Really freaking tangled. I know. I left out a lot of details, but I think you get the general picture. 

The dude is a walking disaster!

My spouse said that because the OM screwed over her friend, and that he was now in a marriage, it was easy for her to move on. She realized that he was sort of a jerk, that he played her and others, and after all else is said, he was building his relationship with someone else, not her. It was easy for her to try and move on and not to think of him. 

So, early this summer, my spouse and I went to her small home town and we double dated with one of the old friends from high school. We had a very nice evening, dinner and a movie, good conversation, good folks. It was nice. Then some weeks ago, a picture posted on this friends facebook showed them on a double date with the OM and some new girl. Initially I just shrugged, but after a week or so, my spouse and I had a heart to heart and she said that she had found it easier not to think of him when he was married, but now that she knows he is divorced again, she is finding it hard not to wonder how he is. She asked me if I wanted to see the photo. I said  "no," I'm done with self torture. And I havent. 

But, In a weak moment I looked up the state's open divorce records and found that the women was the one who filed for divorce from the OM in January. That old voice I know that talks in the back of my head is saying "punish." It is really barking at me right now. Hence my return to the boards. I thought about it and it might be really easy for me to find this new woman OM is dating and send her a note letting her know what the dude is all about. But, I would look bad and it could blow up in my face. I could send her an anonymous letter but he would know who wrote it and that could blow up in my face. 

I know, I know. 

Time to walk away. The best revenge is simply living a happy life, and my life is sort of good right now. Maybe I should just try and reason with my spouse that the other man is lost and a jerk, and she can't ever help him again. I guess that I thought that if I forgave both of them and if my spouse and the OM both behaved well, that we could normalize something somehow. I think that isn't possible.

Anyway, just writing it down helps.  

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Fri, 08-24-2012 - 12:17pm

Thanks for sharing your story. You sound a lot like me and it sounds like you have adopted some healthy choices. The idea of placing realistic lines in the sand, such as therapy gives the BS a barometer on just were the WS is. If they are not willing to do that, then why would they do anything else that really matters in a relationship? Glad to hear a healthy “moving on” story.

I’m feeling better about things the past few days. I’m really busy, my spouse is busy, the kids are really busy, my spouse and I had some time between things and caught the Ruby Starks flick on Monday which really resonated with me. It gave us lots to talk about in a positive way.

Tom

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 11:12am

No, I lost track of him, but I think of him sometimes. I hope he and his daughters are doing awesome. I was really worried when he dismantled his bed and took it to goodwill. I totally get it, we do crazy stuff, crazy needed and cathartic stuff when our lives are smashed. 

The friend I spoke with was "I-love-my-wife." 

He had a quirky way of expressing himself, but he is an amazing person who seemed to do things smarter than myself.  He gave me a lot of hope and a listening ear. I would love to think I gave half as much as I took from his strength and positive attitude.

I'm doing better today. Resisting the urge to google the OM.

All my kiddos started school today. My oldest son is in his second year of college (with scholarships), my oldest daughter started her Sr. year  and my other son is having his first day of high school. Lots of fun, even my spouse starts Grad School tomorrow.  We closed on our refinance of the house yesterday to pay for it all. Nobody's pregnant or on drugs. Can't say I have it too bad right now. 

Tom

 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 6:13am

Hi Pater

I have been on here since 06 I think, lemme guess

ragingbull?

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Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 8:12pm

Thanks Myra, 

Is is nice to hear from you. Someone who's been here all along. I guess I'm sad to see you here also. I actually keep contact with one person from the old days. He and I spoke on the phone when we were both in the middle of it and it was so cathartic to talk to someone who was in just as much pain as I was. We sort of encouraged each other to stand up for ourselves. You would probabalyl know his posts.

I texted him recently and he is sooo moved on from the affair. Happy, doing well, taking care of himself, his kiddos. I would have everyone do as well as him! I would have that for you also.

Tom 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.