New Meaning to Independence Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
New Meaning to Independence Day
3
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 11:17am

Quick rundown, H had a PA when our 6 1/2 yo was born after pulling away from me during pregnancy b/c the docs thought something was wrong with the baby. H pulled away and he got lonely. Affair lasted 3 mos, got caught, continued contact, got caught. Rebuilding went well except alcohol continued to be an issue.

H drank a decent amount one evening in April and ended up kissing/fondling a practical stranger right in front of me. This after being in mc and ic for over 6 yrs! I act like his parent and am always angry at him. H doesn't like rules and so breaks them and just wants to be a friend/good guy to our two boys - so I am ALWAYS angry with him.

My H moved out last week.

I am so proud of myself for finally standing up for myself!!!

H is scared and wants to be different/do different . . . but I noticed this weekend that even though he doesn't have much in his new place, he did manage to pack our coctail shaker and 1/2 of our double old fashioned drink glasses. Hmmm

I felt so angry when I first saw he did this and now I have mostly peace b/c I am not going to drag him into adulthood anymore! Only H controls what H does! Gives a new meaning to Independence Day!

Don't get me wrong though, I am VERY sad that all of this hard work didn't result in a mature and respectful marriage . . . but I vow to myself that I will live a life of dignity from now on!

Happy 4th! sniff sniff

Imommy22boys

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 3:07am

I'm sorry, Mommy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 11:07pm

good things, no GREAT things come to good people, and in my book you are one of the best.

i am sure your heart strings still tug at you, but i am quite confident in time, you will look back on this and realize how special you are and how much better and more you deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 2:26pm

"The thing is, you no longer have to risk sinking, yourself, through holding his dead weight at the surface. "

Thank you JD for responding. This sentence you wrote rings so true! I think I lost the woman I used to be somewhere down the line - the woman who has been pulled down for so long, struggling to get back for air.

I am planning some special things with my boys to find a new way of using energy I WON'T be expending on H and his issues. I will also be working on myself, working to let my guard settle back down into a healthier range and finding joy in the details.

I was always so angry discovering when my H wasn't behaving/protecting us/taking care of business etc. that any time my 13 yo did something which appeared entitled - I was on him and hard! I was so afraid of my son turning out like my H and causing himself and those who loved him to suffer. He doesn't deserve to suffer for his father's sins! It isn't fair - he is NOT his father, but a young man who is still learning.

I want to stay on the surface and feel the sun on my face and find the girl who got off track years ago. She deserves a good life and a life with dignity!

Bless you and thank you again for your kind and true words.

Imommy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 2:30pm

Thank you Sissyjacks! You are so kind and your words gave me real boost today! My H took the boys on vacation (our usual beach trip) and it has been a rough week. They return today and I am looking forward to it.

Change is really hard and letting go of the good as well as the bad is very sad, but it also leaves room for new and wonderful things!

Thank you again for your support!

Hugs,
Imommy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 10:33pm

yes those good memories are so special aren't they? flood your brain with those for they will open the door to new experiences.

reliving the bad only serves one purpose - hurt. and goodness knows you have had enough of that. so if/when those bad experiences try and creep in simply tell them 'be gone i am done being sad'.

focus on you, not the mommy in you, BUT YOU. you will serve your children far better if you are able to show them that you are able to be happy. to smile, to laugh, to giggle, to dance, to live - that is what they want to see when looking at you.

i realized something recently, many on this site told me this - but i think we all learn in due time. our children want to believe in happiness, they want to believe it is obtainable - and by you living your life each day you are teaching them that they can overcome any obstacle that comes their way, they can overcome, learn from it, be stronger for the experience, and go on. it is like dr. phil always says 'when you know better, you do better'.

but back to you - you can not define what you deserve based on what you received from your husband. you deserve the best, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to wake up each and every day unburdened from the weight of past experiences but rather with total focus on living each day and loving yourself each day. i have this mantra that you can not get anywhere if you keep looking in the rear view mirror, you must, keep your eye on the road, on what is ahead. what is done is done there are no redos. think of it this way, 'you were in love with the man you wanted him to be, NOT the man he really was' (another dr. phil quote)

question for you 'what have YOU done for YOU lately?' if that is a hard question to answer that should serve as a warning - always take time to do for you. it does not have to be something real big, but you should always take time to celebrate YOUR life.

please begin today, YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 10:57pm

Thank you for your kind words! They are seriously giving me a boost and not to mention, a bit of a reset on the old mental-stat. I do need to look forward and figure out how to make my future what I want it to be! I keep just getting through each day - but I know some of this is b/c H just moved out and I am feeling out of whack.

Each day is such a blessing and I want to embrace it and feel the sun on my face - literally AND figuratively! I am going to see a play Friday night with a good friend and I am seriously looking forward to it!

Thank you SJ, you rock Dearie!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 7:11pm

it is going to take some practice, no ALOT of practice for you to get the hang of the idea of imommy having fun. but you know what they say 'practice makes perfect'. and so i say, practice, practice, practice. and just think of the fun all of that practice is going to be?

so tonight the play and what about saturday?, perhaps a walk early in the am, right when the sun comes up. with each step breathing in that fresh air, feeling a new you being born with each step. AND DON'T FORGET TO SMILE EVERY INCH OF THE WAY. then when you get home make up a batch of refreshing, fat flushing (juk) green tea. maybe then take a look at your front or back yard and revision it, envision a 'special place' for you, to go and sit, to journal, to dream, to mourn what is gone and to celebrate what is coming.

remember, each and every day, find something to do for you, something to begin to fill the pitcher of you,step by step pour a little into you until you are filled.

you are WORTH IT, you are SO DESERVING. BELIEVE THAT...............................................

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 9:07pm

just wanted to check in on you - how are you doing?

remember we are here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 3:21pm
Thanks for checking on me. Not great actually. I think I need antidepressants. I have been on them before and did well, but just didn't feel mentally sharp. My job needs me to be sharp and so I weaned off of them. I am not sleeping well either. A tough time in my life to be sure. I think I am losing my mother. She has lost about 20 pounds and didn't have it to lose. She does not go to the doctor either - for anything/any reason. She is 74 and has only been to the doctor once. You cannot force her, she will not negotiate on that point. Lots of stress and sadness . . . thank you for checking in on me. My heart needed a lift . . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 8:17pm

you might want to try melatonin, it is a natural sleeping aid - and you can find it just about anywhere i.e. grocery store. also they now sell teas in grocery stores to help you relax - i have found drinking one of those while laying on a heating pad set on low really helps.

i was going thru the slow death of my mother when my d day hit. she had been diagnosed with bone and lung cancer and my husband chose that time in my life to once again start up with his extra curricular activities. so i can relate to the stress, sometimes overwhelming, simply overwhelming.

i do not know if i ever mentioned a book that helped me quite a bit, it is called 'your best life now' by joel osteen. i would often curl up with it when i found my mind spinning out of of control. it seemed to have a calming effect on me. helped me believe in me again, directed my thoughts to positive aspects in life. I WOULD SO RECOMMEND IT.

we are here for you if you need us, remember that.

take care of yourself my friend, try and take care of yourself.

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