New - Strange to be feeling this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
New - Strange to be feeling this way?
8
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 1:23pm

Hi. I've been reading this board for two weeks now...it was two weeks ago today that I found out my husband had a brief affair with someone about this time last year.

He had been friends with this woman for years, but it was long distance. She is the wife of his boss. His former boss and his wife live apart from each other. Anyway, my H and I were having a lot of problems - we weren't communicating very well, our sex life was non-existent, I was still coping with the stresses of having a new child (our daughter is now 2).

I found out about the affair while H was out of town two weeks ago for work. He was back in the area where this woman lived, and I figured, hey, they're friends. I had talked to her myself in the past and it all seemed fine. But my H and I share a laptop, and I had to go into his section to find something. I noticed his yahoo mail was up, so bad little me decided to read some of it. That's when I found the emails. They are all older, but it hit me like a brick wall. I immediately called his cell phone and asked him if he was with her. He said yes. I asked him if they had slept together. He said, 'what are you talking about?', and I told him that I knew. I could hear the fear in his voice. I started reading back to him one of the emails that I wrote. Within a day he was back home. He cried like he never has before, and I yelled and screamed at him for an hour. We talked for another four. We talked like we hadn't in years. He knows under no uncertain terms that he has to earn my trust, and that means I get to check all of his emails and phone calls.

He told me that they both knew it was a mistake. He told me they only slept together twice, which I believe because she lives so far away (17 hours). The biggest part of their relationship was the emails and IM's they shared. I read through all of it, and I believe him when he said that part of their relationship ended months and months ago. He was friends with her for years, and they wanted to get back to that 'just friends'. He also realizes now that it isn't possible.

He told me that it started because he made her feel good about herself, and he needed that to feel better about himself. He realizes that he should have been doing that to me and not her. He wants to make it up to me in the worst way, and I believe him. We have had some very frank talks, and I for some reason feel better after them.

Yes, he betrayed me. I am hurt, but I want to get past it. Believe it or not, our sex life has been incredible since I found out. Is that weird? Shouldn't I want to make him sleep on the couch or kick him out all together? Before I found out about the affair, our relationship was really great - we worked out our issues and we felt really good about where we were headed. Quite frankly, I don't want that to end. He lets me have my bad days and he answers any questions I have. He is extremely remorseful. We start MC on Tuesday, and I really feel good about our future. Is it too soon to feel this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 5:18pm

Sometimes the betrayed spouse makes the betrayer sleep on the couch, other times they dont. There is no right or wrong. I've read in many places that increased sex after finding out about an affair is common. It's a way of the betrayed spouse "Claiming what's theirs".


Be careful though. Sweeping the issues under the carpet will do nothing for your marriage. Counseling is great for both of you. There is always hope....especially when your husband has already pretty much done what he needs to do (owned up to this, took responsibility for it, shows remorse, etc).


HUGe hugs to you. Good luck to you! Please keep posting. there's alot of great, supportive women (and men) here!


Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 5:43pm

Thank you, I appreciate your reply, Debs.

That's what I'm afraid of...sweeping our issues under the carpet. During our talks, we were able to pinpoint what it was we weren't getting from each other. We were very blunt and matter of fact. We think we've figured out where our problems started, and how we let them fester without adequately dealing with them the way they should have been. I'm not taking the blame for his actions, not in any way. But, I do know that there were ways that I failed him and there were (obviously)ways that he failed me.

We had really come very far in healing our relationship by the time I found out about the affair. I don't want to sweep away all of the progress we made because of an affair that happened when things were really bad. I can't ignore the fact also that when the going got tough, he let me down in the worst way.
He knows that I'm afraid it'll happen again if we have troubles again, and he has reassured me that it won't happen. He'll have to prove himself there and he knows it. In the meantime, we are going to go to the MC (which we should have done a year ago) to help us work more effectively on our issues and get past the past. We also want to find a way to make sure we learn to handle our problems better in the future.

Also, he knows that if he does it again he's out the door. I gave him one more chance because of everything we've been through and meant to each other. But I won't tolerate the disrespect again, and made that abundantly clear.




Edited 1/29/2006 5:45 pm ET by justjen13
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 7:06pm

"Also, he knows that if he does it again he's out the door. I gave him one more chance because of everything we've been through and meant to each other. But I won't tolerate the disrespect again, and made that abundantly clear."

That's how I felt about it too. I felt disrespected by him, like 'how dare he not have any respect for my, the bounds of our relationship, and our entire history!' Like you said, I told him in very clear terms that while I will give you ONE more chance, I deserve better than how you are treating me, so start treating me like the awesome girl that I am. If not, I can go find someone else.

I'm sorry you had to fidn the board, but welcome to it. Like Debs said, there are some really wonderful people here.

Caitlin

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:55pm

One of the first things I read after Dday was infidelity doesn't always lead to D (like I thought it did) and many couples have a better M afterwards. A lot of work goes into healing, and if both spouses are committed to it, the M benefits. Not all M were broken pre-A, so it doesn't apply to all situations, but it does fit yours.

I think its great you're communicating so much better now. And your H seems to be doing all the right things to build back trust. The sex is a result of increased closeness and intimacy you're feeling. This is called the honeymoon stage.

I think if you fall into troubles again, you'll both know that communicating is important and not to let issues linger. Your H learned the hard way, and you got very hurt in the process, but I think you'll have a very healthy M.

hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 3:02pm
Hi! I'm kind of in the same boat and am so confused. Do you feel unattractive, ugly even? I never in my life felt this way but now after finding out my husband of 15 yrs and only sex partner for me, was with a 24 yr old girl (he's 40) I feel awful. I had just had our 2nd baby when the affair happened and wasn't feeling great at the time. (no sleep, fat, back to work after 5 weeks). I lost all the baby weight and starting feeling great,then, this. I had a deep down feeling something was wrong then found cell phone records showing they talked everyday during the week (not weekends) for a little over a month. The calls ended 2 weeks before I found out about them. They both insisted they were only friends and I almost bought it. I just couldn't get over that impending doom feeling. Did you have that "women's intuition", I sure did! Anyway he claims it started as friends, then turned one day when she needed a ride home from work (how convenient)! He says it happened only once and instantly broke off with her. I believe its over and was before I found out, but still feel used, lonely, hurt, ugly, everything negative. But at the same time we are both 100% committed to working it out. I love him and know he loves me. He's been sick since it happened, was even in the hospital with stress related chest pains. We are considering MC also. Good luck to you and your family. Let me know how MC goes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:35pm

I would recommend for you (& Just) to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It warns of forgiving too fast which is what I feel I did bc I so wanted to get back to "normal" again and enjoy my H again. It was too fast bc not only does the BS have to go thru a "process" but the WS has to "process" everything as well and the rate and speed and timing of two individual processes is different. I've read where some WS's look back and figure it was worth it, going thru a month of hell, for 6 months of pleasure. I also believe that the length and intensity of the affair is in direct correlation to the time it takes to heal. You read of DDay #1, 2, etc. by other BS's bc there are aftershocks and ripples, as well as new discoveries that are yet to be made and felt by the BS.

When there is an affair an alliance has been made between your H and the OW, and a wall has been put up between you and your H. The wall between you and your H has to come down and a thick barrier wall put between your H and OW. Sometimes the demolition and reconstruction of these walls takes more time than we'd like.

Also, if the OW is married (calls only M-F, no weekends is a clue) then ALL parties need to be on the same page and know what's going on. When everything comes to the light it's amazing how reality sets in and the fog dissipates. That means the OW and her H knows about the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy. That's what creates the allure and keeps the fantasy going, however, once it's no longer secret and the lid is off, the fog begins to lift and you're left with the cold stark reality. Then and only then could I even think about rebuilding, which I'm still thinking about.

You look like you're headed in the right direction. Read books on affairs to help you see that what you're feeling is normal and there is a process you have to go thru. You'll know what to expect whereas you felt like a brick fell out of the sky and hit you, these books (& the wonderful people on this board) will help you navigate your way to safety.

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 4:10pm
Thanks so much. I definately need time and counseling to get over this. She isn't married, only dates married men. I would like to tell her mother (how stupid is that) because she works with my husband and the OW too. The mother is closer to my husbands age than her daughter! But I don't know what good that will do, she dates married men too. Like mother, like daughter! I just feel betrayed on so many levels. He said he is 100% committed to repairing this, I just hope I can do it. Thanks again for your insight.
Colleen
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 7:36pm

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words.

H and I did have our first session with the MC and it went very well. She definately has a 'plan of action' for us. She saw our commitment to making this work, and while we don't expect it to be smooth sailing, she (and we) are very optimistic about our future.

As for the OW, she lives nowhere near hear and has not tried to contact my H, nor has he tried to contact her. He knows that he can't do it, and promised both me and our MC that he won't. She told me I have to take him at his word if this is going to work, that I do have to have faith in him that he will try to save our marriage. We each have an individual session with her coming up as well.

I realize this is not an overnight process. There is a lot of work and healing between us. He knows I won't heal overnight and that there will be times I'm going to be angry and hurt. I feel the pain every day to some degree - some days are better than others. I do believe he is suffering to some degree as well - he can hardly live with himself.

I do feel good about the future though. I don't want to look back everyday and remind myself of what he did. I want to fix the problems that lead to it, and move forward in our lives with those lessons more than anything else.