No interest in sex, anybody else???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
No interest in sex, anybody else???
19
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 4:34pm

My therapist says I've grieving on top of having depression, much of it over the mess DH has made of our marriage by his actions.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 10:21pm
After H came home and we R - we did it at least 1x a day if not more - I believe they call it hysterical bonding - I couldn't get enough, and almost killed him.... But it's leveled out to a few times a week - I needed to have it, and do it more, do it better, and etc - and kind of cover up w/ hor did w/ him.. kinda like a dog peeing over where another dog pees to make it their own, sorry, not calling ME a dog, but that's the only way I could explain it, MC gave it a fancy name, but I can;'t remember it. Even when I think of hor while we are together or whether he 'touched 'hor'' there or like that, I do my best to keep it under wraps and try to enjoy - I will not give hor ANYMORE of my sex life - or my H - I just WILL NOT GIVE IN ON THIS ONE - as hard as it is sometimes....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 10:29pm
Oh, that "peeing" thing, you're just reclaiming what was already yours to begin with, good for you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 10:39pm
Myra, it's definitely work to get there, and sometimes when you are feeling bad thoughts, you have to be quite the actress to get 'through' it, not that it doesn't feel good - but to 'let' it... and chase hor out of YOUR room, YOUR life, and YOUR sex life - yup, work, but worth it.... and yeah, kinda like reclaiming what was mine to start with..... I am still going through sadness, grief and depression as well.... aim for how you want to get and do all you can to get there. That's about all I can say....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 12:49am
My sex drive has drastically changed, because it is just not that exciting to have sex with someone who has treated you so badly.
I think it is going to take quite some time to recover this part of our relationship just like all the rest of it. I stay unaffected and try to do my best to take care of him - not like I did before... but well. I used to be in a state of excitement constantly so no matter how things went in the bedroom I was enjoying it all. Now he has to work at it because it is not my mind that turns me on anymore, it is purely physical. I can take it or leave it, my body must be reflecting my state of mind because I always need to assure myself that things could end and go bad quickly, that is why I am here often - I do not want to ever forget what I have been through and be off guard. I saw us as two becoming one, now I see us as two and that is it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 9:45pm
goddess, how long has it been for you?
I know and understand all that you say, and yes, I have been there too - lets face it, sex has for us woman, alot to do with the mind. But as I said in an earlier post - I will be a bit more selfish here - I WANT it and if flashbacks or triggers start at that inopportune time, I will force them back or keep them to myself when at all possible because I refuse to let 'hor' own any more of that than hor had.. it's bad enough that I lost so much, I WON'T loose anymore due to that.... in my head - I want hor gone - and if I have to push through it, I will, for ME!Hor has had enough out of my life, w/o giving hor more !
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 11:24pm
2006 & again breaking NC 2007 first while I was pregnant then after the little one was born I found out he was in contact maybe for the whole time
he was really messed up
he is doing better but it takes much time to bounce back
being a romantic that I am or was
slowly maturing he is
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 1:13am

Myra

The whole sex thing is really ugly. We did the whole hysterical bonding thing at first. She would cry after sex saying that she could not believe that she shared that with someone else. Then at some point it was just bad. I could not finish and it just upset her.

There is this book on Itunes that I listened to. "Sex on the Brain." It was an eye opener for me. So was the periods of Meds for depression. Her SSRI took away her sex drive and I just about went nuts. Not that we weren't having sex, but that she had sex with OM and then at that time, she was not interested in sex with me at all.

Now that I just went through the same thing with my meds. She would just cry after sex because I could not finish.

Sex is really an awful issue. I think it is a really big deal to discuss this in MC. And maybe only in MC until you both get a handle on what it means to each of you.

Good luck Myra. I sooooo want you to find happiness.

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 5:40pm
Goddess,
When he was back in contact, was it only talking or the A took off again? Yes, it does seem to take them a while to grow up - H and I had 2 very deep conversations this week - about what attracted him to OW - well actually after the bjs started, because he wasn't attracted to hor physically at all - until hor offered and he said what the hell.... Then again if confronting hor now what would it be like us together confronting hor for all the torture hor has put me through, interestingly enough - and this WILL come up at MC this week - most of what he wanted to confront hor about was hor lying and cheating on HIM during THEIR A.... this did not sit well with me, but I haven't said anything w/o the help of the MC - he was being honest and fully disclosing things, and open, so I don't want to go hysterical and prevent that from happening again, because I need it to stay this way. Thanks for the encouraging post - that things do get better - even if at a snails pace....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 5:45pm
Thomas,
Interestingly enough, the SSRI took away Hs sex drive too - except for the A - and that wasn't that often at that (well not as often as we had had, and certainly not in the beginning of our relationship)- When I asked MC why and looked it up in books, it said and MC said, it was because the SSRI restricted the 'feelings' and 'emotions' and the secrecy, fantasy, and sneaking around gave him what the SSRIs took away... No wonder his confusion talking about the whole group of years he was on this thing.... It is so freakin' difficult.... Even having sex w/ OW it wasn't enough for straight sex, he had hor doing all kinds of things, just so he could try to get his 'kick' and it wasn't really working because he was either trying to figure out how to 'date' because we were split up, or figure out how to get back home - a very odd situation and he sounds so confused still....
We did discuss sex, and to me it means comfort, physical closeness, it actually calms me to a degree, and I don't know why since that is the 1st betrayal I found out about, then there was the emotional, which I find even though he pined for hor, he didn't want to be w/ hor when he was - so go figure - I'm shaking my head, and he honestly doesn't really know.... MC Thursday night for sure!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 6:00pm
breaking NC was skanky pictures and instant messages/emails
from one of his PAs (He had 2 while I was pregnant)
I think now he knows where he wants to be so I can begin to really heal
this whole 'I don't know' whiny crap that went on for years on and off is a big turn off LOL

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