No longer afraid to him how I feel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
No longer afraid to him how I feel
9
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 10:54am

I got so angry this morning at my H. I didn't care that he had to work. He told me he still wonders how the OW is doing(she lost her job) and is concerned about her. I used to be afraid w/the 1st affair to tell him how upset I was b/c I was afraid he'd leave me. Now ,I don't care! I told him I've been suffering for so many years and you're concerned about the OW? I told him I'll work on this marriage ,but you have to let me vent when I need to ,not when it's convenient for you to listen! I think I put things into perspective for him!

I told him I don't know how I will be intimate w/him if he still thinks of her. Of course, I have read that his feelings about the AP are normal and this is what they go thru especially if it was a long term relationship.

He wasn't defensive and showed some empathy,so I felt better. That's a first- he never showed any empathy w/the 1st affair.Maybe there's hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 4:46pm

Yes, maybe there's hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 6:03pm
Thanks for your encouraging words. I am finally feeling a little hopeful.He listens empathically when I need to vent and tells me he is ready to do what he needs to do in therapy. He's being honest and although it's sometimes difficult to hear how he feels, I still encourage the honesty b/c then we can discuss things and I feel like i'm healing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 9:49am

Hi,


How long has it been? I ask because it has beem 2 1/2 months for me. My

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 8:15pm

This is normal. Here's what you have to do. Write the email together to break off complete contact w/her. Make sure you read it and send it together. My H also said he still had feelings for the OW and I did not cry. I looked at him and I said my mother is dying, my father is in the hospital (all this is true!) and you're still swooning over some woman like a 7th grader ! Enough already! Grow up! We have a 25 yr marriage and my parents are in decline and I've had ENOUGH! If you can't be supportive then I'm done!

He actually apologized and said he'd do whatever I needed him to do to be supportive.i just let him know that I can survive w/out him if I need to . If he loves you he'll be there for you, no question. But be strong and demand RESPECT! Don't cry- act like you're in charge and you're disgusted w/his adolescent behavior!

This is my H's 2nd affair so I'm pretty fed up . I kicked him out for about 10 days, so he got the message. This nightmare has been going on for 4 yrs. w/2 different women, so I figure if I don't stand up to him now, nothing will ever change! Now, I'm starting to see real changes. Also, make sure he goes into therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 9:25am
Yes it's normal, and it's why no contact is SO important.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 4:19pm

Thanks. This is all new and I really don't know what to expect. Considering that it has only been 2 1/2 months I am happy with where we are but the thought that he still wants to contact this woman "Just to see how she's doing" is too much. I have told him that contacting her next week, a year from now, 5 years from now is the same. He can never speak to her again. This is a dealbreaker.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 4:49pm

absolutely ZERO

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 7:29pm

Yes you're right. My particular OW told my H she has PTSD from her parents not hugging her and she has abandonment issues. Yeah right. So of course my H feels guilty for abandoning her.


I told him she is an adult (51 years old) and made decisions she has to live with. Too bad for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 9:12am
OMG.. what a sob story, it sounds like she knew how to manipulate him. Our H's dont realize that their sob stories are just a form of manipulation.