Not doing well, AGAIN!......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Not doing well, AGAIN!......
7
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 9:43am
Hi all. Gee, i hate to come here and vent when what I'd rather do is give hope that rebuilding can work if you both really try. H has tried. He and I have done so much to rebuild. I just can't shake this feeling. I've let H know several times in the past few months that I get really insecure when he gets quiet. It's a trigger for me that I can't shake. I know in reality his lack of communication could just be stress from work, stress from his disfunctional family, or just about anything. However, i'd feel better if he'd just tell me! Then, on the other hand, there are times when he does tell me alot of his troubles. Is it just that I can't seem to accept H for who he is? A quiet man who seldom worries about anything out loud like I do. We are so opposite.
My latest problem is his last business trip. Something in my gut told me to check his spending. He called and asked how much was in checking so he could use his debit card. I knew he had money, but just told him using the card would be fine. Then I checked the credit card bill online and he charged every single meal. I know he had cash, yet he came home with very little. What did he spend it on! I confronted him. I didn't like his answers. I'm concerned that he is drinking again. He says he's not. And truly, my faith in our commitment to each other pushes me to believe him, yet, at the same time I just can't see how he managed to spend 33 bucks in 3 days on coffee and snacks! He tried to explain that he bought cigarettes, but I know he left here with a full carton. Then he tried to say that he smokes more when he's driving and had to buy more. Maybe he is telling the truth, I don't know. My gut says he's not. My heart says he is.
I know you all will tell me to call the MC. We need a refresher course. I know that, just needed to vent.................hugs and love............found
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:01am

My gut says he's not. My heart says he is.

This conflict makes for certain insanity, found. I think before you take your MC refresher, you need to find out what your gut is screaming about. You and I both know that your gut is seldom wrong. Something's up. It might be innocent enough, but you need to get some answers.

From my own experiences, it is so much easier to deal with H's quietness when my gut isn't causing a disturbance.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:11am

You know, following Julie's posts are so easy. All I really have to say is "I agree with Julie again". She's awesome!!


Found, follow your gut. Investigate a little more. He may be telling the truth, he may not be. But you have to find out for sure for your sanity.


On the credit card statement for the meals, how much was totaled per meal? That could indicate something (if there were 2 people, it would be higher total).


Investigate. Communicate. Tell him your feelings. that's what I would do.


HUGE hugs to you!! One day at a time. That's all you can do.


Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:08pm

Trust your intuition and keep investigating. Your gut will usually be a good starting point. The money thing might not be off from what he said though. I know I can easily spend $33 in 3 days on misc stuff when I'm traveling (thats $11 a day).

On the issue of being different people, thats true for many relationships. If you were exactly alike, you would drive eachother crazy. For the most part, what they say is true - there are differences in how men and women communicate due to their gender. Men are more likely to want to problem solve and rely on themselves to figure it out. Women want to share their feelings and feel validated. I think mismatching happens when couples have very different values and beliefs.

hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 10:17am
Good news! It's all about communication and we were not doing very well in that department. We had a long talk. I had done more investigating and discovered exactly how much he spent on meals and it all added up. He had direct answers to all my questions and he had a good explanation for every penny he spent. I feel so much better. This snooping incident had me down in the dumps because I had actually resorted to doing it again, yet at the same time, every time you look and find nothing it helps rebuild that trust. I've got to remember to let that trust build. If that makes sense! I'm getting more and more convinced that it's time to let go. Heck, it's way past time for me to let it all go and live for the present and not the past. I've always been such a worrier. I'm working on it though!
Thanks so much for all the great advice. Deb, I immediately went into snoop mode when I read your post. I discovered what I needed to and I am so grateful for your advice. I hope your Dr. appt goes well and you can kick that nasty habit soon! I'm pulling for you!
Julie, you are, once again, a Godsend! I love you so much. Thanks for giving me the inspiration I needed to work this out!
Hannah571, you help was much appreciated too. If any of you every need me.........just email anytime.............hugs and love...........found
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 10:46am

Found, did I ever tell you the incident that finally convinced me it was time for me to let go and trust H? Actually, the incident, itself still makes me feel sick to my stomach.

H was going hunting alone to his usual hunting place three hours from here. DD and I were going to go up there a day later and we were all going to spend the weekend at a motel there. But the first night he was going to spend camping alone.

So...H leaves in the morning. At 6 that night, he left a message on our answering machine that he was having supper at McDonald's and he would call back later. Found...the caller ID was displaying a woman's name next to the number. Before he called back, I did an internet search on the name and number, and sure enough there was a woman in that town with that number. H called back a few minutes later, from the same number, and repeated that he was at McDonalds. I didn't say anything to him. (Why would he be calling from a woman's home number...he knew we had caller id...was he that stupid...how could he do this to me AGAIN???)

You know what I did? I left my 12-year-old DD home alone to drive up to that town 3 hours from here to check up on my husband at the address I got from the google search. My BIL came with me. From 9 pm until 3:30 am I was gone, and DD was alone. We found the house and no H. BIL and I came home no closer to the truth.

I couldn't let it go at that. I took off work the next day to make the same round-trip journey. (Of course this time DD was at school). I checked out the house. No H. I went to McDonalds, with the phone number in hand. Guess what....the phone number on the public phone was the same number from my caller ID. The people at McDonalds must have thought I was a loon...I just fell apart right there. To confirm the number, I called my house from there, and checked it when I got home...same number with the same woman's name on my caller ID.

2 hours later, I packed DD in the car, and we were on the road back to the same town for our weekend.

It still makes me sick and teary-eyed to know that I put my DD in danger because I didn't trust my husband enough. It makes me sick to think that I drove a total of 15 hours in a 20 hour time frame. I never told H I did that...I felt so guilty. I will never do that again. That is when I knew it was time.

I think we all know when it is time to let go of the past and live in the present, and plan for the future.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:01am
Oh ((((JULIE)))) I feel for ya girl. I would have done the exact same thing though. You poor baby. I had something similar happen a long time ago. During H's post A days before he got a new job. He was traveling and called me from a hotel but the name on the caller ID was a different hotel. I was convinced he was lying to me about where he was. Turned out the hotel had been recently purchased and the phone account hadn't changed yet, so the old name of the hotel was still showing up!
Wow, what a wake up call for you! Thanks so much for telling me about this incident. It's helped me to realize that I too need to finally let go and trust my H! You are sooo wonderful Julie. Your H is one lucky man. DD is a lucky girl too! All because they have you!...........hugs and love.............found
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 9:44pm

Julie -- Thats a great story. I would do the same thing as paranoid as I can be with H now. I'm so glad it all checked out.

hannah