Not even sure where to post this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
Not even sure where to post this...
5
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 12:46am
Hi Everyone- I've never posted here before, so I'm hoping someone can provide me with some words of wisdom. I am getting married in about a year to a great guy. We have been dating since high school - just over 6 years now. We have a great relationship but when we were "younger" (he was 18) we were on a "break." I was devestated and obviously still in love with him, and during that short 2 week break he cheated on me twice...he had sex with 2 other girls, both times while drunk. He told me about the one happening right away when I asked if anything had happened on our break... he was upset and said he wished it never would have happened and felt terrible afterward. The thing is, he didn't tell me about the SECOND one until just 3 months ago. He told me he saw how bad it had hurt me when he told me abotu the one that he didn't want to put me through hearing it again. I was obviously upset, especially since we had just gotten engaged. I'm in love with him but feel like I will never be able to fully trust him again. I'm especially dreading the bachelor party :( I'm a worrier by nature and have anxiety so this doesn't help matters. I don't know how to "rebuild" my trust especially since I just found out about the second one night stand. It makes me feel like there's more he's not telling me though he swears that is it, that it's never happened again because he saw what it did to me.... Can anyone help? I feel like I'll always doubt him... which isn't the best way to start a marriage :( I've tried to reason with myself that he was young, dumb, and drunk but it still doesn't make me feel better... help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 8:12pm

You were "on a break" and he was intimate with 2 girls... its a tough situation - b/c technically (others may argue) - you were broken up; which means you were free to date others??

if you feel you have trust issues with him NOW! then take a step back and think about how difficult life becomes when you throw other things into the mix (jobs, house, bills, kids) --

Trust is very difficult to get back once its been taken... if you don't feel safe, and secure in the relationship with him then maybe you need to ask yourself if he is "the right one"....

Good Luck... i know how much it hurts.. you have come to the right place.... keep us posted.. xo nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 11:39pm
Hey Nicole- thanks for your reply- it means a lot. I should have also reiterated we were just out of high school which I think I forget (because I look at where we are NOW). I think the reason this is so devestating is because I had worked through knowing about one and just found out about the second. It's not that I don't trust him, I do ... but I can't help but feel like there is more he's not telling me. He swears that is it that he has told me everything, that nothing has ever happened, no kissing NOTHING. It's like I believe him but there is a part of me doubting him. I also should share that I have anxiety... I used to take Lexapro for it but wanted to get off it to see if I could manage without meds... but I've basically become very tightly wound again. He is a great guy and I love him dearly, and I feel like honestly this is more MY issue to work through right now. He has been honest (I think) and it's now up to me to work through my feelings and deal with it, which is what I'm having such a hard time with. He tells me it was dumb, meant nothing and that he would never do it again because it's not worth the risk and he doesn't want to hurt me and it was stupid... how did you get through it? How did you rebuild the trust?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 10:10am

I can only write a quick note, but i will write more later....I never was able to rebuild, after DDAY #1 - I stayed, but i never healed from it, i never really trusted him again, I was always waiting for him to cheat again (i always believed once a cheater always a cheater).. i stayed though b/c I REALLY REALLY LOVED HIM, and I believed he was sorry and I thought he would be faithful..anyways when DDAY#2 happended and I was 8 months pregnant - I was devastated, heartbroken (the pain was worse then the first A) - I stayed (I was 8 months preg dont forget!) but again, the trust was gone, I never recovered, I brought it UP ALL THE TIME, i was like an obsessed person - every conversation for me became about the A.. I just couldn't believe he did it again... and while I was pregnant, and when we had just build our dream home together!!

I developed anxiety after the first A (not medically diagnosed) but i know what anxiety is.. i also developed a second job after A #1 - I became a detective - lol - I was always snooping, checking, obsessing... It became a horrible existence.. Finally stbx told me he was done with me, done with the questions, done with the lack of trust...

Either way i have to be honest its a hard decision to make - staying is hard and leaving is hard.... ok the baby is up...ill write more.. ((((((((HUGS))))))) i get it!! I CARE.. XO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 10:33am
How old are you now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 1:44am

sorry to be a wet blanket here, but young, dumb, and drunk is a dangerous combination! even though a few years have passed, you guys are still young- drunk and dumb seem to be recurring problems, especially if he would put you through the anxiety of a bachelor party!!!!


i think that because you have anxiety issues, he and or you is trying to put this on you as your issue- but if you read the posts here, you will see that anxiety AS A RESULT OF CHEATING is all of our issues!!!!!!!!!!! especially when he doesn't come clean all at once- especially when you have to find out way later and he has already told you that he witheld information from you to 'protect' you because he didn' want to upset you- big red flags in my book... being anxious about trusting someone who lied to you, and slept with 2 girls in 2 weeks (yuck!!! who with any self respect does that?!?!?!?!?) doesn't seem like you need lexapro- it seems like you need time for him to prove himself to you before you get married. let him give up drinking and not give you reason to worry for at least a while before you marry him.


please don't end up like others have, who saw the warning signs but tried to brush them aside for whatever reason. sometimes you have to trust yourself and not undermine yourself by making excuses for what happened.


please take care of yourself and respect yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-NN