One year since DDay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
One year since DDay
7
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 3:02pm

A year ago I found a love note to my husband from his AP. He was still trying to deny everything but the evidence was all there. We are trying to move on and are having counselling. Tragically our counsellor died last week and I just can't think of replacing him yet. My husband thinks that we can cope without counselling and yet I feel that we had only just begun to get anywhere.


I destroyed the original love note I found but have recently found a copy on my husband's laptop. I've also found a copy of a love song he wrote her and he recently told me he wants to keep it. I didn't say anything but felt deeply hurt. I really don't know if I can ever get over his betrayal. Sometimes I think that although he may move on from the affair I will be stuck with it for ever. I know that many of you have said that the pain is easier to bear after a couple of years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 4:30pm

Hi Susieq: I struggled with this as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 9:18pm

I'm glad to hear that you feel almost 100% reassured that your husband wants to be with you, although I understand how the slightest doubts are difficult to erase completely....


I have written to my H. I found

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 10:39am

I SO hear what you are saying.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 11:12am

"How was he before the A? Were Mother's Day, birthdays and anniversarys "special" and planned?"

Humm, I get what you are saying, but I don't think these things are important for everyone. I'm really not into "christian self help books" But spouse and I read "The five Languages of Love" together and watching my kids I totally understand now that different people need different stuff. My oldest son needs to be touched. I have to grab his arm or put my arm around him. Conversely, when I punch him in the arm or when I used to spank him, a bad touch can really hurt his feelings. My daughter needs time and attention. She hates being touched. And my other daughter needs gifts.

My spouse hates gifts. All she can see is me wasting money. She needs affirmation. I need service and recognition of service. I'm doing service for my spouse thinking I'm loving her, She's wants me to sit down and talk thinking she's showing me love. We have our wires crossed. If she makes our bed while I'm in the shower. I feel loved. If I tell her how good she looks or how smart she is. She feels loved. Seems crazy to me, I thought that the four loads of laundry I just folded said I love you. NOPE!

She thought that having an affair and making herself feel better would somehow help our marriage. NOPE!! I didn't find that to be true for me. I thought putting in extra hours at work and being successful was showing her love. NOPE, not true for her. We were just two screwed up kids who didn't know how to take care of each other. Were trying to fix that.

Does this make any sense? Or am i just rambling? Yeah, probably just rambling.

Anyway, I've identified what i need from her now in the aftermath of the affairs and now I know she can't read my mind so I'm asking for it. I'm not always receiving it. But it's a lot better.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 1:00am

Thanks for your advice. I did talk to my H last night and we realised that we were not connecting. We were both shocked by the sudden death of our counsellor and because I was relying on the counselling to help us sort our problems out I suddenly felt as if we were cut adrift. Our Wedding Anniversary just highlighted how difficult our situation is and how far we have to go to rescue our marriage. We both want to be together but sometimes it just seems impossible.


My husband is the most generous person I know. He has bought me all my nicest clothes (he has good taste too, thank goodness!) and never questions the cost of anything...I do that! He is always urging me to spend more on myself, something I find very hard to do. He hasn't always liked to celebrate occasions though because he prefers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:33am

Do you two have the opportunity to just get out and have fun together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 11:44am

To be honest we're not getting the chance to go out and have fun at the moment.