The other shoe?

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Registered: 09-12-2008
The other shoe?
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Mon, 05-11-2009 - 5:28am

Things are going really good, Busy! but good.

DW and I had a deal, She got off work early, she called and said, "I wasn't going to tell you I got off work because I wanted to study and not get sucked into the whole kids stuff at home, but I don't want to sneak around or do anything that looks like sneaking around." "I'm going to Starbucks and study. Is that ok?"

I made a deal that she would come home at 7:00 to help me with the kids homework and at 8:00 we would put kids to bed and spend some time together. At 7:00 I got all the kids in pajamas and she took our daughter to the bedroom to do homework, the rest of us read books in the living room. I fell asleep reading. DW got the kids in bed and went and watched tv episodes on the computer until midnight. I had hoped she would come wake me.

I dreamt that a man in a Black BMW came to the house and told me he was having an affair with my spouse and wanted me to step aside. We was really slick, big bucks, good looking, the works. I wanted to kill him but I got rid of all the bullets in my home that first week after D Day.

I woke up and DW was just coming to bed. I kept thinking of "I wasn't going to tell you" replayed in my mind. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. It's irrational, she would have told me by now if there was some missing OM. Yeah, it's four hours later and I can't sleep.

woof!

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 04-14-2009
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 10:47am

It Sucks cheat it hey?


I can relate, when woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 11:19am

I think always waiting for the other shoe to fall is the fallout of affairs. You never feel quite as secure as you did before.


I discussed this feeling with my husband. I don't think that he completely gets it. He has never had to experience it. He has never had to fear my fidelity.

Avatar for pater_familia
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Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 11:47am

Nine weeks. Yeah, that's fairly raw. I'm sorry for this brother. I hope you are taking care of yourself. If she is trying, ti will get better. Every week got better than the last.

And yeah, she could read my feelings like a book. Still does.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 12:55pm

Yesterday and today I've been a complete bundle of nerves.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

Avatar for pater_familia
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Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 1:52pm

I'm sorry you are feeling this. It's awful and it's very typical. My thoughts are with you buddy.

I heard my spouse talking to her mother about how I won't let her out of my sight. When she wasn't at school or work. It wasn't a complaint. It was just a fact of the situation. That might be a conversation you have. "That actions lead to trust." And marriage is all about trust.

Tom

PS, 5DW

I read your post, I'm very moved that you wrote such a long post to me.

"The dreams went away when I found the courage to talk about my fear." I went right up after posting and woke up my spouse and told her about the dream. She said, "I'm with you heart, body and mind." I haven't cried in a week or so. I didn't quite get there but the tears just ran. Ten min. later I was out cold.

Ok, the odd thing was that my dream included Christmas also. When I brought the man into my home to talk, Christmas stuff was in the room. Is that trippy or what?

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 2:28pm

I am glad that you found the courage to speak to her about the dream and she gave you the reassurance that you needed.


I agree about the Christmas theme being woven into these dreams ...that is .... TRIPPY!!!!


FiveDiamondWife

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 11:27pm

Those dreams are awful, aren't they.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 9:56am

"That speaks volumes!"

Yeah, I think so also. She's becoming clued into the triggers issue. We have been talking about triggers for her and I'm getting a sense from her that she really wants to make new memories. I think a few months ago I would have seen these actions as avoidance of the issue. But my guts tell me it's different now. She is not avoiding ME, just the subject. (Does that make any sense?) I found myself going THERE last night and as I tried to switch gears, instead of walking away, she grabbed a guide book that discusses our company trip this summer and asked if we could read it together. She genuinely seemed to be having a good time discussing the trip. Deep down I would like to move on.

Do you think there is a time when it's safe to just move on? Let it go? I see so many people on these boards who sit for years and the hurt is still so fresh for them. I'm terrified that if I just let it all go, it could come back and bite me later.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.




Edited 5/12/2009 12:16 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 11:59am

Thomas,


I think you let it go when your heart tells you that you're letting it go and not stuffing it into a box from which it will emerge bigger and badder some time in the future.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 6:13pm

I second

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