OWs H causing problems, do I intervene?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
OWs H causing problems, do I intervene?
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 10:34pm

So much has happened since I posted here, I can't go into everything now. H and I are back together in individual and joint counseling with our pastor and are committed to making this work. The OWs husband found out about the A not long ago and kicked her out of the house and is generally being very ugly towards her, using their children as pawns. I understand his need to hurt but I disagree with how he's doing it.

The OWs H came by my office the other day to give me his phone number in case I need anything. Like him to spy on my husband. I thanked him but said we were in counseling and looking forward and I wouldn't need his help. He admitted that he is telling anyone and everyone about their affair so everyone will know what kind of people they are and they will have no support system.

Should I, as the other man's wife, who has also been cheated on, ask him to stop what he's doing for my sake? It is hard to put this behind when people come up to you at functions and want to know the details. I miss my privacy but I really want no contact with either of them. I just wish he'd move on and let us do the same. Our conversations thus far have been friendly and civil. Should I call him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 12:34am

I have two distinct thoughts on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 1:19am
It's perfectly proper to ask him to cease and desist, but the guy is going to do what he feels he needs to do, regardless.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 8:07am
Good luck to you Julee. Personally
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 8:50am

This is a real example of the ramifications of what happens when there is a d-day. I would suggest let him blow of his steam. He is going to do what he wants to do. You are the innocent victim here.

There is one thing you might be able to say to him. Do you have kids?

You might want to ask him if he would stop for the sake of the kids. Yours and his.

Just a thought.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 9:49am

Thank you for your replies. I do realize this is what H brought on himself but it is hurting our efforts to rebuild.

And yes, Jack, I have a 17 yo DD and he has a 10 yo and a 14 yo. However, there is a world of difference in the way we're handling our kids. I have not berated my H to my DD whereas OWs H has made sure his kids know exactly what happened and is poisoning them against their mother. He even brought the 10 yo along when he first confronted me and said it was important that he hear what a liar his mother was. I told him right there that it was not appropriate and I refused to discuss things in front of the child.

I even called him later, told him I understood his hurt and anger, but she is still their mother and they still love her. Don't take that from them. So I'm not sure Im dealing with a completely rational person anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 10:30am


I stayed out of this one for a while because it's an issue I'm a little unfamiliar with and because it's an issue I almost CAUSED by being sorely tempted to go to OM's W and his employer.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein