In a perfect world

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
In a perfect world
4
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 6:04pm

I would feel safe and secure in my marriage. But since this is not a perfect world, what do you think it is we should feel after betrayal?? Just want to get some thoughts on what would happen if the world was perfect.. Beside it never happening.. What is it you wish your WS would or could do to help you in your healing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 7:50am

From the day I found out about this thing my husband has been a complete model of what to do and say to try to help . It doesn't stop the pain but when you see how others respond it makes me grateful he still loves me and is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 11:54am

I think where we're starting to go is to replace blind trust with being an open book to each other.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 9:17am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 4:56pm

I don't think there is anything one should or should not feel after betrayal. I went through the whole gamut on a regular basis. What is important is how we choose to act. That is the measure of our character.

I like the way Thinkingman put it, it would have helped tremendously if my DH would have let me in. He had gotten in the habit of keeping me out because he knew I would disapprove of and be hurt by what he was thinking/doing. Rather than not thinking/doing it, he shut me out so he would not have to deal with my reaction. He didn't want anyone being his conscious since he had turned his off. He justified this by telling me he was "protecting" me. Thanks, but no thanks. I would rather know what is going and be able to make decisions based on truth than be protected.

It took him a while to let me in which truly stunted our healing and our relationship in a way it had never been. We are/were very close. Once he "got it", once he understood my perspective, he was able to let me in and I him. It took him a year after Dday #2 to feel safe enough to do so, but once he did, healing came pretty quickly.

So, in a perfect world, he would have "got it" right away and would have done everything he could to help me deal with his poor choices. He would have been an open book without any sort of resentment or making himself out to be the victim. He would have appreciated that he and she together in any way was a threat to our M and disrespectful of me. He would have seen that she was no friend.

Even though things weren't perfect, I am glad we both stuck in there because even though things are not perfect now, they are very good.