Phone Records

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Phone Records
5
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 8:33am

About six weeks into our marriage I exclaimed. “How could we possibly be out of money, I still have checks!” She took the check book away from me and though I know it exists. I’m surprised that my name is even on them. She totally took over the bills some 23 years ago and didn’t look back until July of 2008.

A few days before discovery, my spouse had asked me to leave our home, but the fact was that she was finally having a conversation with me. She admitted to “talking” to men at school. The next day, I found the phone bills in a box and began to wade through them. I didn’t know what I was looking for–long phone calls I suppose? I finally confronted her with the bill and asked who the numbers belonged to. The out-of-town number that usually went for an hour, both day-and-night was the most glaring. Of course, it was HIS number. She brushed it off. “It’s just my high school boyfriend. We have been talking since the reunion.” Well, they weren’t just “talking,” and she tore up the phone bills in front of me.

The high school boyfriend asked if I would find the phone records. "No danger there, I pay the bills" she said. 

I went on-line and found the phone records. In time, I found the other men there. From the phone bills I know all the dates and times of all the icky details. The fact is what I know really hurts me. I can track when she tried to call one man at 3 am. He return the call at 5 am. I can see the phone call that they made as they were driving to each other. There is that 2 min. phone call to me to tell me know she will be late.

The whole thing just tares me apart. At some point, I would go over the phone record with her and she would tell me who everyone is. If I had a question she would start dialing the number and find some excuse for the impromptu call, leting me listen so I would know it was her Aunt or girlfriend or coworker.

We don’t do this anymore.

But there is that new phone bill sitting unopened on the back of the couch. My impulse is to go on-line and pour over the records again. “If there were four guys, there might be five.” “What did I miss??”

Every time I tell her a date or a detail that even she doesn’t remember, that sad look washes over her face. Is this hurt about me or her? Or is it about someone else?

It’s self torture. At some point I had to stop thinking about it. Stop reliving it. I have to accept it for what it is. I’ve poured over it, I know what happened and in some ways, better than they do. I have my answers. She’s not doing it anymore. We are rebuilding and doing a good job of it.

I'm letting it go.  

Tom

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 2:52pm

I hope you are really able to let it go.  I'm sure it was painful to see all that.  Funny thing is (and this was before cell phones so you could check)--I paid all the bills because basically I was married to someone who was not that responsible--and he was the one who cheated.  I never would have found out if he didn't admit to it when I asked (we were having marriage problems and he said he wanted a divorce).  But I never wanted the details--just knowing was bad enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 10-03-2013 - 3:54pm

I know that this post is older, but it reminded me of how I found out my ex was cheating.

I was the one that paid the bills. Normally, I didn't even glace at the cell phone activity...until I started to become suspicious.

Then it all changed. Looking at the numbers listed under his, there was one I didn't recognize. Now we were engaged and living together at the time so I knew pretty much everyone that he knew. I double checked my phone to see if I had this number stored. What if it was his mother? His cousin? Best friend?

Nope. I didn't have this number and didn't know who it was. Whoever it was, they were quite chatty. Hour long conversations here and there took place often when I wasn't around. I checked the calls against my calendar. Yep- one day I had a hair appointment at that time, other times it was a girl's night out, or nights he was out with friends.

I thought about it for 30 seconds before I dialed the number from my phone.

A young girl answered.

I didn't make up a story as to why I was calling and just told the truth. This phone number was all over my fiancé’s cell phone bill and I was curious as to whom it was. Boy was she shocked to learn the guy she was dating was engaged.

We talked for a good hour. She met him at the bar one night and they had been on several dates. He lied about being engaged (said he had a "roommate"- which was me), his age, and the fact that he had a daughter. I'm assuming he lied about his daughter because she was 9 years old at the time and this girl he was dating turned out to be 19.

My fiancé was cheating on me with a teenage girl and he was 31 years old.

We hung up, I went to Lowe's, changed the locks, put his stuff outside, and called him and said he didn't live there anymore.

After all of that, he tried to deny it. Said she was some crazy girl that was stalking him. We had been together almost five years and even though I spent an hour on the phone with a stranger- I believed her over him. She had no reason to lie to me and I never once doubted that she was telling the truth.

Boy that was a longer reply than I intended!! Thanks for listening.

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 4:29pm

"I didn't make up a story as to why I was calling and just told the truth."
"We hung up, I went to Lowe's, changed the locks, put his stuff outside, and called him and said he didn't live there anymore."

Wow, on these boards, I've heard versions of that story for years. I don’t hear the version very often when the betrayed spouse tells the truth and both people find that they were being victimized. I think that speaks well of your character and the type of person you are. Most folks just want an honest conversation from someone. 

I can’t tell you how much It would have meant to me if one of the OM wives had contacted my spouse and had an honest conversation with her. I think that had she felt the personal impact of her behavior on another person would have shortened our rebuilding period. 

I’m sorry you went through this. 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 11:59pm

Oh Tom, they're in la la land, they ain't thinking about their spouses, if only.  You do wonder, though, just what IF somebody knew and got thru to them that what they are doing - or even thinking of doing or planning to do - is absolutely going to hurt somebody ELSE.....maybe some of them would stop before it goes any further.  We all have a line that we stop at, one that can't be crossed....or else.  At least the spouse does, but I have never understood those who HAVE no line like that.  If you know you'll hurt someone else, then you just don't do it.  I have never found that hard to do, had my share of "opportunities" and wanted fidelity instead. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 4:12pm

It is true that my situation is a bit different. The girl he was seeing didn't know he had a live-in fiancé.

She was very surprised and felt awful about it. She even apologized to me profusely. However- I never blamed her. I honestly believe she didn't know he was engaged.

But like I said- he tried to deny it. He couldn't fathom that I was going to take her word- a girl I never met, over his. Well this wasn't the first lie I had caught him in. Plus I already had my suspicions to begin with.

It is true that people often don't think about their actions. They effect more than just one person.

Thank you for your kind words, Tom. This was many years ago and I’ve moved on. It is difficult to do sometimes.