Please Advise - Going Crazy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Please Advise - Going Crazy!
Sat, 07-18-2009 - 5:59pm

I have given fragments of info here and there. I'd like to tell my story as briefly as I can and maybe someone will have some advice. I am driven so crazy I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't even know who is right, H or me.

4 years ago I went to Ohio (from my Fl. home & H) because my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He only lived 6 mo. so I'm glad I was there for him. Mom insisted on selling her house, so I helped her with that. Then she became paralyzed from the waist down. I took care of her & a brother with heart condition, running between 2 hospitals for a time, etc. I came home after a year to see my H but he seemed to resent my presence. He had expressed wonderful support all along until I came home for 2 weeks to visit. It went so bad that I left after 1 week instead of 2. (3 of my 4 grown kids live in Ohio also.) I went back and saw Mom through a difficult time until my sister who lives there was able to take over. My H then came to Ohio, wanting me to come home, and so I did. (At one point we had agreed to break up, but never divorced, but then we decided to give it another try.)

That was 2 years ago. Since then, he has had women on his cell phone. They are "friends, clients, etc." He does remodeling on the side. One was a shop owner, so he had her cell number on his cell. I checked phone bill. Calls to these numbers are brief and infrequent, so I thought it was ok. Is it?

One number was a co-worker I'll call D. It turned out he was taking her to work & back, sharing lunchtime with her, even buying her lunch and a few other things! He insisted they were "just friends." I objected, he said there was no reason to, we really got into it, and finally he agreed to stop. Then I discovered he was still taking her to work. We got into it again, he said there was nothing wrong with it because they were just friends, but because it bothers me so much, he will stop. I checked, and he had stopped, but I discovered that he went to see her in the hospital. D has since moved out of state, but this is just to tell how H is.

Since my return 2 years ago, H has been going to K's house off and on. She is his brother's wife's sister and lives 2 hours from us. (2 hours is nothing for H to drive; he thinks nothing of it.) K is also his ex GF from high school a few decades ago. He goes there to do work on her house. She has no BF. Says she doesn't want one. Well, I don't know how to put this, so I'll be blunt. She's extremely unattractive. She's also everything H has NEVER been able to stand in a woman. (lazy, etc.) He's done work on her house a couple times before over the years. On rare occasions, I'd go along. For the past year, however, his visits there have become very frequent and even secret, again, off and on, but mostly on. He'll go every week for a few months, quit for a month, go every week for 6 months, quit for 6 weeks, etc. I began to object. He went all the more. He said I won't control him, and he does seem to have a neurotic fear of being controlled - but he can't control himself!

We really got into it big time about it. He refused to stop going. He even spent the night there because, he said, he had to go to Jacksonville, and her house was on the way, so he'd stop at her place to get work done on the way home, spend the night, and go back to Jville the next morn. I checked. He actually went to Jville, then to her house, stayed the night, and stayed the next day, talking with her, working very little, and having lunch. I said it was over unless he dropped her completely, NC, the works immediately. We argued big time for days. He said he was doing nothing wrong; she's just a friend, and asked how I could think something could happen sexually between him and HER? I explained about EA patiently. He denied there was one with her. He admitted to telling her about some of our problems and stopping there for tea at times, calling on her when he had a flat tire, because she was closer to where he was than I was, etc. After that, he made secret passwords on Facebook so I can't open it, etc. Has a daughter of another old GF there, too. Secret password now on email, too, & MyS.

At one point he said he'd stop going, never did. At one point he said he'd be done there in 2 weeks, and wasn't. All along he insists nothing's going on. He almost thinks it's a joke that i could be jealous of her and says I'll realize how silly it is in time. Until then, he's willing to be patient with me!!! I offered to go along to help him work. No. He refused to take me along, saying that if I want to go there when I know he's there, he can't stop me, but he won't take me with him because he doesn't want to feel like his mommy is with him. To me, that makes no sense. Doesn't it look even more like I'm acting like his mommy if I follow him? I do think he has poor judgment in a lot of things. He sees things differently than most people.

He still won't stop going to K's. He now says I can go with him if I want, but he's back to going secretly, not telling me when he goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 07-19-2009 - 4:53am
Ever hear the line "methinks thou doest protest too much?"


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sun, 07-19-2009 - 1:00pm

First of all, feeling like you are going crazy is nothing new to most of us here! I am sorry you find yourself in that position.

You have set a boundary and told him; quit going to this woman's house. He is refusing to abide by that, so now you have to decide what you are going to do in response. If it's an EA (and it sounds like at least that) those are very difficult, because the WS can just keep throwing the "just friends" thing at you. My H did and admitted later that we was just hoping that eventually I would back off and leave him alone. Luckily I listened to my intuition for once in my life and kept pushing it. It took months for him to admit anything was amiss.

It sounds like your problems are much bigger than this one woman though. I agree with myradorn; you might want to go to a counseling session first to get your barrings.

I can't believe he's offered to put a trailer up for you; I would be mortally offended! The house is in both your names, so I think it doesn't matter if he came into the marriage with it; right now it belongs to both of you. You might want to see if you can get a free introductory session to see a lawyer and just see what your rights are in your state. It doesn't mean you have to follow up with any action in particular, but it may help empower you knowing exactly where you stand. I would especially do it before moving out anywhere, including a trailer on the property. Your willingness to move out of the house may have legal ramifications later. (I don't know that - I'm just paranoid about that kind of thing!)

There is also a book I'd recommend along with the more commonly recommended books here ("NOT Just Friends" by Shirly Glass is very helpful). It's called "Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay." I can't remember the author, but I stumbled across it at Barnes and Noble, so it shouldn't be hard to find. It helps you diagnose you relationship in other ways besides all this WS stuff, to help you decide if the relationship is worth sticking around for. Considering your history of disagreements and what sounds like your H disrespect for you, it might be worth checking out.

Lastly, these is a list called the "180 List." You can do a search on this site for it. It lists specific behaviors that help you function from a point of power rather that continuing on in the same behaviors that don't seem to be getting you anywhere right now.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 4:55am

Sorry to hear about your troubles,I unfortunately have sort of been here and done this,all i know is and i'll never forget this.......years ago i had a really cool family doctor who was about 38 or so,he was just a neat regular kind of guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 10:28am

Thank you for your responses! I finally found the 180 list, as well as the letter to spouse, and they are wonderful! I had been going by the 180 list recently, before I read it, to some extent, in fact. It does work! It just has helped me so much to know that I have some support somewhere. I don't feel so alone, and I'm not the only one with such troubles.

H acts as if nothing's wrong, as if going about our daily life treating each other like roommates only is perfectly all right. (ANYTHING to avoid talking out the problems we're having and to continue to live his life as he pleases with no static.)

I have decided to do the 180 full force, but not just to wake him up. That is only one reason. I am going to build my own life and see what I can do. He feels that what he does should be of no interest to me, so I will assume that what I do is of no interest to him. I just don't tell him when I'm leaving, where I'm going, etc. I've been doing this, and he basically seems ok with it, although he is more talkative now than before, about small matters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 12:13pm
you are getting it together now
see the lawyer asap this will help you tremendously
my opinion is keep the OW out of your brain and life if you can
though only god knows what he is telling her
(the WS has a tendency to lie now don't they?)
your call if you want to contact her go right ahead she is now a dynamic of the marriage thanks to him
just do what you need to do there is no right or wrong answer here
so sorry about how things have been for you
no one deserves this, honesty would solve this all for us
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 1:17pm

Thanks for responding. I know some of what he has told her, but i'm certain I don't know the half of it. Why is it men feel compelled to describe all his marital woes to other women? If that much time & energy was given to his W instead, it could save the marriage!