Please Advise - Going Crazy!
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|Sat, 07-18-2009 - 5:59pm|
I have given fragments of info here and there. I'd like to tell my story as briefly as I can and maybe someone will have some advice. I am driven so crazy I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't even know who is right, H or me.
4 years ago I went to Ohio (from my Fl. home & H) because my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He only lived 6 mo. so I'm glad I was there for him. Mom insisted on selling her house, so I helped her with that. Then she became paralyzed from the waist down. I took care of her & a brother with heart condition, running between 2 hospitals for a time, etc. I came home after a year to see my H but he seemed to resent my presence. He had expressed wonderful support all along until I came home for 2 weeks to visit. It went so bad that I left after 1 week instead of 2. (3 of my 4 grown kids live in Ohio also.) I went back and saw Mom through a difficult time until my sister who lives there was able to take over. My H then came to Ohio, wanting me to come home, and so I did. (At one point we had agreed to break up, but never divorced, but then we decided to give it another try.)
That was 2 years ago. Since then, he has had women on his cell phone. They are "friends, clients, etc." He does remodeling on the side. One was a shop owner, so he had her cell number on his cell. I checked phone bill. Calls to these numbers are brief and infrequent, so I thought it was ok. Is it?
One number was a co-worker I'll call D. It turned out he was taking her to work & back, sharing lunchtime with her, even buying her lunch and a few other things! He insisted they were "just friends." I objected, he said there was no reason to, we really got into it, and finally he agreed to stop. Then I discovered he was still taking her to work. We got into it again, he said there was nothing wrong with it because they were just friends, but because it bothers me so much, he will stop. I checked, and he had stopped, but I discovered that he went to see her in the hospital. D has since moved out of state, but this is just to tell how H is.
Since my return 2 years ago, H has been going to K's house off and on. She is his brother's wife's sister and lives 2 hours from us. (2 hours is nothing for H to drive; he thinks nothing of it.) K is also his ex GF from high school a few decades ago. He goes there to do work on her house. She has no BF. Says she doesn't want one. Well, I don't know how to put this, so I'll be blunt. She's extremely unattractive. She's also everything H has NEVER been able to stand in a woman. (lazy, etc.) He's done work on her house a couple times before over the years. On rare occasions, I'd go along. For the past year, however, his visits there have become very frequent and even secret, again, off and on, but mostly on. He'll go every week for a few months, quit for a month, go every week for 6 months, quit for 6 weeks, etc. I began to object. He went all the more. He said I won't control him, and he does seem to have a neurotic fear of being controlled - but he can't control himself!
We really got into it big time about it. He refused to stop going. He even spent the night there because, he said, he had to go to Jacksonville, and her house was on the way, so he'd stop at her place to get work done on the way home, spend the night, and go back to Jville the next morn. I checked. He actually went to Jville, then to her house, stayed the night, and stayed the next day, talking with her, working very little, and having lunch. I said it was over unless he dropped her completely, NC, the works immediately. We argued big time for days. He said he was doing nothing wrong; she's just a friend, and asked how I could think something could happen sexually between him and HER? I explained about EA patiently. He denied there was one with her. He admitted to telling her about some of our problems and stopping there for tea at times, calling on her when he had a flat tire, because she was closer to where he was than I was, etc. After that, he made secret passwords on Facebook so I can't open it, etc. Has a daughter of another old GF there, too. Secret password now on email, too, & MyS.
At one point he said he'd stop going, never did. At one point he said he'd be done there in 2 weeks, and wasn't. All along he insists nothing's going on. He almost thinks it's a joke that i could be jealous of her and says I'll realize how silly it is in time. Until then, he's willing to be patient with me!!! I offered to go along to help him work. No. He refused to take me along, saying that if I want to go there when I know he's there, he can't stop me, but he won't take me with him because he doesn't want to feel like his mommy is with him. To me, that makes no sense. Doesn't it look even more like I'm acting like his mommy if I follow him? I do think he has poor judgment in a lot of things. He sees things differently than most people.
He still won't stop going to K's. He now says I can go with him if I want, but he's back to going secretly, not telling me when he goes.