For rebuilders....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
For rebuilders....
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 7:01pm
Was there something you did or something that happened that was a major turning point in helping you rebuild and move on? What did you do during this time to help make the process easier on YOU? Did you change or your attitude or thinking about life or what helped you to get to that better place and feel more at peace?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 7:59pm

>>Was there something you did or something that happened that was a major turning point in helping you rebuild and move on? What did you do during this time to help make the process easier on YOU? Did you change or your attitude or thinking about life or what helped you to get to that better place and feel more at peace?<<

There were several things I did. See we were seperated while we both went to IC for about 8-9mos. I just couldn't get over it, get past my anger, think of anything else. I wanted a divorce so many times but couldn't go through with it, I was in limbo and these ladies can tell ya, I was going crazy. I've never been an angry person so I didn't know how to handle it, and my obsessing and not being able to get past it and rebuild was actually due to an anxiety disorder but I put off going on meds as long as possible.

Well my counselor had me get a notebook and keep it as my "anger journal", every time I got angry, whether it was about H's A or just some guy cutting me off I would write in it. Didn't need to be a novel but it could be, or just a sentence or two. If that didn't subdue it I would come on here and vent about it, and get lots of hugs. About a month and a half after that I finally took my IC advice and went to someone who could get me on anti-anxiety meds. I started taking paxil and low and behold a few, 2 or 3 weeks later I decided I wanted to rebuild. Meds aren't always the answer, but it was that extra push I needed to get PAST it at first. That along with the anger journal, it really made the difference. Not only that but my IC ordered me to do things that made me happy, hobbies and what not, and when I really focused on me then *I* was making myself happy and anything H could add to that was just the icing on the cake.

I hope this helped a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 10:05pm

I can only tell you how things worked for me and my H. I can't say it would be the same for anyone else, but ya asked. LOL!
I am a very pragmatic person on the whole. My H was having some serious stressors in his life, in addition to that age-old "mid-life crisis" thing. So, there was a woman, who worked for him and she was the proverbial "damsel in distress" who played and preyed the part to the hilt. She had been after him for quite some time. I had some serious health issues and he always took care of me when it came to that. But, he did succumb to the A.

Was I happy about it. Use your imagination! LOL! I was livid and I wasn't sure what I wanted! When I found out, he immediately ended it with her. That spoke volumes to me. I knew he loved me and he never truly loved her. He felt sorry for her and she provided a diversion for him. It is what it is! (Hence my pragmatic outlook on it)!

I knew I didn't want our marriage to end. And I also knew in order for me to get past this for me I had to forgive him. That didn't mean I didn't have to forget it totally, and I didn't have to approve of it, and I sure as shooting didn't have to understand it fully and think it was now all OK that he did it. All I am saying is I had to forgive him. I didn't like what he did and I didn't like him for doing it, but I still loved him. And that was all that mattered to me.

So enter the forgiveness. Once I had done that I also knew I couldn't keep bringing it up to him over and over whenever I got mad at him for something else. And I couldn't just dwell on it all the time. That would only hurt me and no one, not even him, is worth causing me more pain. Does that make sense?

There are still days when I think about it. Plus, his xOW is a real thorn in my side. Complete with bodily harm threats to me, emails all the time about how they are still "together", and constant phone calls. He refuses to speak to her or answer he emails and her venom is directed at me now. It is almost like she is the scorned BS instead of me. Of course, I do have this really strange sense of humor, and it does amuse me that she is that warped in her thinking. She never could separate the fantasy of the A from the reality of what it was in actuality. Sucks to be her I guess.

My DH and I are doing very well. We still have our disagreements, but we are alot stronger than we were as a couple pre-A. And that is not a bad thing actually. I guess the best thing I said to him was right after D-Day. I asked him what he wanted? Her or me? One or the other? But I wasn't going to allow him to play this sick game with my life anymore. So I told him to just be a man and chose whatever made him happy. I would abide by his decision. But, to just be a man and pick one or the other. Because he was acting like a selfish child trying to have both. LOL! Well, as the story goes, I am still here. And he is still here.

Hope that helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 1:49am

Good question! Three things helped me get a positive attitude.

The first is knowing that life doesn't always have to be the way it is. I am capable of doing other things if I'm not safe. This attitude gives me power. I don't have to stay in my M, but I chose to for reasons that are right for me. I am never stuck, I always have options.

The second is my H's commitment to make things better. The moment I started seeing my H's enthusiasm for our M and making a great future together, for doing anything to get to that, and his extreme remorse over what he had done was helpful for me. I say "seeing" bc he make these promises several times during his fencesitting days, but when he started behaving this way, I knew we were doing the right thing. Its still a struggle from time to time, but it was a turning point for me.

The third is my kids. I have two young ones and I'm thankful that they don't know the extent of what happened and in their minds the family is still the same. One of the main reasons I chose to rebuild is for them and keeping the family unit intact.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 7:18pm
That's interesting because I do have problems with anxiety and deression. My Dr. gave me an anti depressant right after I found out about the A but it made me VERY ill and I did not take them more than 1 day. I was too afraid to go back and get another prescription. I hear so many horron stories about them and how hard it is to get off them and all the "sexual dysfunction" side effects and things like that. Maybe I need to reconsider and go speak with my Dr. again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 7:21pm
<> Rotflmao!! I could see that her feeling like SHE was the betrayed one and feeling so scorned with give you a small sense of satisfaction and revenge since your dh choose to stay with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 7:27pm

I do "see" my dh making every effort to improve our marriage and try to make up for what he did. I know if he was not making such efforts we would be nowhere, but I still struggle with the fear that he is pulling the wool over my eyes and I am just not seeing it. I have no proof of anything else going on and he is very open with me regarding his emails and phones and all, but there is always the "fear" that I just can't shake.

My 2 boys also weight VERY heavily into my decision to rebuild. If dh was willing to do whatever it took to work on our marraige then I felt I couldn't be the one to walk away until I was 100% sure I had given it my all to make this work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 8:06pm

Well as everyone my children were a major reason why I tried but most importantly they (my children) could be my excuse for only so long. No matter how much I love my children they were not going to fix that lonely hopeless feeling that my husband left in my heart. Eventually it came down to my husband's persistance. I pushed and pushed as well as tested to make sure he is where he wants to be. The MAJOR reason why I decided to rebuild was definately retrouvaille, a marital retreat for couples in crises. The second major reason why we are succeeding is because of my husband's persistance.

And finally after 7mo of rebuilding I am feeling good and normal. One thought that really came to mind to bring me to "normal" was I realized that my husband does not "owe" me to continue in this marriage but he is choosing to be here. I better get my a** in gear or he may get tired of this and leave me if I really want us to work. Best wishes to you, tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 8:10am

For me the turning point was kind of strange. I had been on self distruct mode. I was so afraid that other shoe was going to drop. That I would let my guard down and bam he would drop another bomb. So I pushed, I shoved, I did anything and everything I could do to get him to leave. (kind of sick since I worked so hard before to get him to stay???!!!??) But he had lied and betrayed me time and time again. Each time I would tell him how happy I was we were working things out only to find out she was still in the picture.

Anyway, one day I told him I could not do this. I hated looking over my shoulder and wondering is today the day it all ends? I hated who I had become and was driving myself crazy. What we had was gone and he needed to face it. I also told him I was sorry that I did not make that choice while he still had her. I never wanted him to be alone I just wanted him to be happy. I just always hoped happy would be us together forever!! I was crying and felt and I guess looked so defeated.

He came to me held me so tight and sat down with me on his lap. He just held me while I cried. He did not speak one word. He just let me cry and held me. I have no idea how long I sat there. When I got to the point where I could not cry anymore. He siad to me that he was so very sorry for the pain he caused me. That he would always be here for me to lean on and that he loved me. He was stupid selfish and he had not idea how he was ever going to make it up to me. That he knows there is no place in the world he would rather be then with me. If tat means I have to vent, push him away he would deal with it. He caused my pain and he was going to make damb sure he healed it...

That was my turning point. Since then I really have put in the effort to live in the day. Not in the past. To be open and honest about my fears and to lean on him when I am feeling bad. I no long really bring up the A. I just will climb on his lap and ask him to hold me. He knows what this means and he is more then willing to let me sit in his arms. Then he will make these stupid jokes or something and in no time I am no longer caught in my trigger moment. I feel I am getting my best friend back. I missed him so much!!

Yahoo! Avatars

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 9:56am

I stopped focusing on my H so much and started focusing on ME. This was at the advice at our counselor. I was trying to be the perfect wife by cooking, cleaning, giving my H more attention, etc but instead was just making myself miserable and pushing him away. I had become an insecure, clingy, needy person which is not who I am at all (and not the person he originally fell in love with). So when I took the counselor's advice and started doing things for ME, it was a huge relief for both of us. I felt good about myself again, I was happier and therefore, I was more attractive to my H. The other thing was that I let go of a lot of the pain from the A and forgave my H. That's a very hard thing for me to do because I'm not a forgiving person. It was a huge turning point for us in moving forward.

Another turning point for us is that I kicked the OW out of our bed (our counselor's words). I basically forgot about the OW and stopped thinking about her. Until I did that, the counselor said I was keeping her in our bed as a third person and allowing her to continue to come between my H and I even though she was no longer in the picture. I was letting that happen. So I stopped worrying about the OW.

I also started trusting my H again. That was the hardest thing in the world for me to do. But when I did that, it was like this huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. The counselor said I was trying to control every situation to keep my H from cheating again --but the fact was that I can't control every situation and even if I could, new situations would arise from that. The fact is that my H is an adult. He has choices and decisions to make. Only he can do that, and at some point I had to trust him to do that as his wife. If I couldn't, we were never going to move forward. She said that he had choices to make, and he knows right from wrong. It's up to him which road to follow. But he also must realize that if he makes the wrong choice, then I as his wife also have choices and decisions -- and he knows what my choice will be if he ever cheats on me again. So I gave up control and started living my life with my H again. Since then, it's been great. He doesn't feel like I'm trying to keep him on a leash, and as a result, he's shown me that I CAN trust him again. He hasn't given me a reason not to since I've done that and has actually gone out of his way to prove that I can trust him. It was amazing what trusting him again did for our M.

We're seven months into rebuilding and doing great. It's not always easy, and we do have some bumps in the road. But we've hung in there and are happy with each other again. We're even trying to buy a house now, and my H said something about once we buy a house, we can have another baby. (Shock to me - I wasn't expecting that from him :) Our DD is 15 months old now. He also told his good friend Friday night with me sitting there that he wants to take care of his wife and baby. That's his focus and his goal. :) So things are going well.