Rebuilding going well, but feeling blue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Rebuilding going well, but feeling blue
7
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:03pm

I'm 4 months since Dday, and maybe I'm expecting too much from myself, but I could use some reassurance please. Our rebuilding is going well and I seem to feel really good for about a week at a time now, but some days I just wake up depressed and I can't seem to snap out of it. I really don't know what triggered my ill mood yesterday, but I ended up rehashing the "nobody loves me" crap, and my insecurities have resurfaced.

Is this pretty normal at this stage? I really hate these pity parties I seem to put on myself, and I keep asking myself "how is this helping you get better," but no matter how much positive thinking I do, I can't seem to snap out of it! I feel so bad for not keeping these feelings under control because I end up going through it with my H, who is very patient, but I feel it's unfair to keep questioning his love for me when he's reassured me many times that he does love me. I end up ruining a good day with my insecurities. I try to journal the bad feelings, but sometimes that doesn't help. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:35pm

Yes, very normal from what I've experienced. In fact I'm about 9 months and I still hit blue periods. I had it yesterday too, mostly last night. Mine tend to hit at night. Maybe I'm more tired and its hard for me to be upbeat like I am during the day.

If rebuilding is going well, I think these blue periods happen less often over time. I notice a drop in them so far. I'm also a week before my P so I know PMS affects my emotions.

hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:46pm

I think this is pretty common. At least I hope it is, because I went through this as well. Of course it doesn't help that it is half-way through the winter, and it's gloomy and dark most of the time.

For me, it helped if we spent some time every day, just hanging out together. If only to talk about what happened at work, or the news, or making plans for our next vacation. We didn't have to have long, emotional talks about things. (We actually scheduled those talks). Just a few minutes to catch up. This made me feel important and safe. I got the attention I craved and so did H. It was a nice way to start to reclaim the emotional intimacy we had lost.

I also think I should have seen my doctor about my dark moods. I am pretty sure I could have been helped with meds, but I couldn't bring myself to make an appointment. That is something you can think about also if you don't see improvement soon.

Hang in there for a while longer...you will get through this.

Julie




Edited 1/30/2006 3:48 pm ET by finding_my_way
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:33pm

Thanks Hannah and Julie for the kind words. I was sick over the weekend so I think that contributed to my moodiness. I just hate rehashing issues we've discussed because I feel like I'm stuck on certain things whereas my H has dealt with them and moved on. I feel bad for my H because he ends up taking several steps back in order to help me, then it makes him feel guilty all over again. He's apologized and done everything I've asked him to, so I know it's not fair to keep bringing up issues that should be put to rest.

Julie, I find that just having my H sit and talk with me for a few minutes each day helps my feelings tremendously too. He's not a touchy/feely type of person, but he makes the effort to be close to me and give me attention. That was something that was sorely missed in our M, and I'm glad we're communicating better now too. Thanks again for taking time to respond.

Avatar for rob2sj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:49pm
I am glad you that you posted that letter and question, because we are only two months into counseling and I sometimes get so depressed. I also stopped taking the pills the dr. prescribed, they were lexapro and they really gave me a fuzzy feeling and I slept constantly, which isnt good. I feel there is no one to talk to because I really didnt tell too many friends, just my family and they were wonderful, but now it is lonely, because we are trying to work it out and I dont really have anyone to talk to about it. This group really helps, just reading the letters I know I am not alone.
Robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 1:58pm

It's nice to have a place to post our feelings and get support. I truly appreciate everyone's input here. As everyone else has said, hang in there Robin, things do seem to get better as long as we continue to keep working on improving our marriages. No one outside of my M knows of the A (except the counselor) and it is tough when you have to get through each day knowing that your co-workers have no idea of the emotional rollercoaster you're on.

Robin, I hope that your rebuilding will continue to go well. My heart goes out to everyone who finds their way to this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:04am

Hi!

My D Day was actually almost 10 months ago. The emotions you describe seem to be very common and I know I can really relate to your feelings of depression and insecurity. I am actually doing much better but sometimes I go through periods of time where I feel just awful. I have considered going to the Dr. myself for AD meds but it seems that I am gradually doing better. I think what you are going through in regard to needing your H's reassurance is VERY normal. ALL BS's need that reassurance. And I'm afraid not just for a week or a month but for a long time. Here are the stats: it takes 2 to 3 and sometimes up to 4 yrs to recover from an A. (I'm sure that one must consider how fast the M is recovering and individual needs) It is NOT an overnight thing. Be easy and forgiving of yourself.....you have had your heart and soul ripped to shreds! Seems that your H is doing what he can do to help you....just let him know that recovering takes time. It seems to me that some men don't have the empathy that women do. (I don't like to lump them all together and include ALL men lol) My H said to me today that he was reading that men and women actually do process emotions alot differently. (guess we women have known that forever lol)

Hang in there and give yourself permission to grieve....be good to yourself, be easy on yourself, it WILL get better!!!

((((((hugs)))))))
Struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 3:32pm

Thanks, struggling. I'm glad that you seem to be doing pretty good. You're so right about men and emotions. My counselor rolled her eyes when she said that emotional issues tend to go right over most men's heads! Most of them just don't understand how to deal with or relate to emotional stuff. It can be frustrating to say the least!

My H has pretty much dealt with his feelings of his A and is ready to move on. He says it's like a distant memory to him now. He just doesn't understand how I can keep reliving it in my mind though. He is being so patient, so I know I'm lucky in that respect. I can't expect him to know what it feels like to be a BS, just like I don't know exactly how he feels having been the WS. I try to keep that in perspective as we navigate our way through all these emotions. We laugh sometimes how he's had to deal with and talk about more emotional stuff in the last 4 months than he has his entire life. It's been quite an experience for both of us.