Rebuilding...or trying to (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Rebuilding...or trying to (long)
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 11:02pm

I don't know where to start. My H slept with another woman. I walked in on it. It was July 6, 2009.

We've been married since 2002 and from the beginning have had problems with sex - lack of, different levels of drive/desire/etc. We worked on it but it was a constant issue percolating below the surface. We had our first child in 2004. My father passed away in 2005 - it was a shock to us all. We had our second child in 2006. His brother passed away in 2008 - another total shock as his brother was only 20. We lost a baby in June 2008 but got pregnant again that August. He started a new job in July 2008 and I moved into a different job in August 2008. In the meantime, we've had income issues and almost lost our house. He worked a lot of hours through the winter plowing snow. In March, we had a very frank discussion about sex and I asked him to give me one more chance to work on things. He agreed. Within days, he was spending ALOT of time at his friend's house. About a month later, he tells me he is attracted to his friend's wife (I knew it all along) and that his feelings for me have changed. I begged him to stop talking to her and come back to me. He was calling her more than he called me and it got to the point that they were telling each other I love you. Emotional affair by far.

The icing on the cake was July 6. I came home early because I had a doctor appointment. Open the garage door and there's her car. I thought it was the OW husband because they work together and they both had the day off for the holiday. Boy was I wrong. Bare ass naked in my bedroom are the two of them. I tried getting her H on the phone but fortunately for both of them - he didn't answer.

So after much tears, fighting, screaming, yelling, etc., we've decided to rebuild. He realized he was wrong and still doesn't know why he did it. It hasn't been easy by any stretch since I'm reminded of it every time I come to bed, take a shower and even sit on my own couch. It hurts because he started it by kissing her and it hurts even more because of the emotional aspect to things leading up to this.

After tonight it will be very difficult for me to stay with him though. I got a promotion at work recently and the monetary side of that hit my paycheck today. I was very excited and had texted him earlier asking him if he wanted to go to dinner. Told him to call me when he left work. He never did. He texted me around 4 to tell me he was out with a friend (no suspicion there whatsoever so please don't try to read into it). So I tell him that I'm not fine with it because I'd like to go to dinner to celebrate my promotion. He never really responds so I call him. He obviously does not want to go so now I feel like I once again am not important to him.

I haven't had a chance to tell him all this because he came stumbling home drunk and I got super pissed off at him for not calling me to come get him. We fought - as much as one can fight with a drunk person - and he is now passed out on the couch. I refuse to let him sleep in my bed in that condition and I'm so f'ing pissed that he would take a chance like that. I don't care how you feel about me and our marriage but you don't dare do that to my kids. You don't take that chance. I'm much calmer now than I was before but it's still eternally frustrating to feel like you are the only one trying to rebuild while the other goes out gallavanting around without a care in the world.

There's so much more that I want to say but this is a long post and a good start. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 11-14-2009 - 8:42am

This is WAY too much to handle w/o professional help, in my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Sat, 11-14-2009 - 11:00pm

Thanks for your advice. I am looking for a therapist to help us through this. We've tried doing it on our own and while I see improvement, I think a pro will help us get through it faster.

As far as contact with the OW - he hasn't talked to her since the incident. He talks to the OW H because they work together but that's the extent of it now. I've checked the phone records numerous times since that day and know that he isn't talking to her. He has talked to him a few times but it's during the times that they are working together. He doesn't go to their house at all and avoids situations where she might show up. I trust in him not to screw this up again. He knows I've given him a golden opportunity to make things better and I honestly believe he won't mess that part of it up again.

I just told him too that the drinking has got to stop. I'm tired of it and I don't know if I believe him when he says that will change too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 2:29pm

Hi med12,

My heart goes out to you.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 6:45pm


I know you might think that July is a while! But it's really recent. So give yourself some space and time to deal with this. All the books talk about "two years" being the processing period for an affair.

I'm with the others in that your situation is way to much for you to do on your own. I really consider myself just a tad brighter than the regular bulbs out there. And now after a year of therapy, 10 books and this support group, it's clear-as-day that I did not have near the skills or tools to do this on my own. Just FYI!

Also there are two issues here:

No contact for your husband with the affair partner and him dealing with why he did it.

The other issue is your feelings about what he did. That is going to take time, work, and a great deal of suffering. I'm sorry that you will have to do all this on your own. Speaking from experience. This isn't going to be easy. There are no shortcuts. Any time spent away from this work is just delaying what has to be done. Even if you two split.

Keep posting and venting. That's what we are here for.


I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness and Listening.

Edited 11/17/2009 9:54 pm ET by pater_familia


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.