Resources/Books/Advice to Start Over

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
Resources/Books/Advice to Start Over
4
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 5:35pm

I'm looking for some good resources to use in order to begin the process of trusting my husband after his EA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 7:50am

We did most of our adultery repair research online. I would say we have excellent rebuilding. The point for us was to remake a new and better marriage. This worked just fine because my husband was willing to accept responsibility and WANTED to make a new better marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 8:10pm

I always recommend reading “After The Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful” by Janis Abrahms Spring, and “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity” by Shirley P. Glass.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 7:47am

JD recommended two good books.

I read "Getting Past the Affair." It's a scholarly and thoughtful book that pulls both sides of situation apart. I found the things I was looking for there and I was shocked to read it WITH my spouse and have here point out things that related to her that I simply could not wrap my mind around previously.

Having the book say to me what she had been saying, but in a more comprehensive fashion was really healing.

I purchased "Forgive and Forget" by Smeads (sp?) and I found a little bit of it to be really good but maybe I wasn't ready for a lot of it. My spouse on the other hand went crazy over the book. I came home one day and the kids were at babysitters, she was on the couch with the book in her hands and she was just crying. She read the whole book in a day, underlined all sorts of things and that night, she sat and read them all to me.

We are reading "Mindful Loving" right now. I have to admit that it's good. I'm agnostic and it touches on aspects of the "Christian" faith that I'm a little uncomfortable with right now, so did the book, "The Five Love Languages," But both of those books made for wonderful and healing conversations between the two of us. And are very useful and thought provoking reads.

Of the bunch "The Five Love Languages" was the simplest, "Getting Past the Affair" was the most comprehensive.

To be honest, just reading anything "together" was healing. My wife is really good at reading out loud, I'm not. I had her read with me the "confronting the other man" section of Nick Hornby's book, "Being Good" and we had a very, very healing conversation about that. In the book, the married couple face the affair partner together and the wife sees the immaturity of her actions and the pain it was causing her husband, and how brave her husband was and how selfish the AP is. We both had tears in our eyes when we finished the section.

Writing letters to each other about tough issues seemed to go better than just talking, even if she read it right in front of me. I was able to soften the delivery in writing it down and attempting to be generous than saying things to her and having it look like I'm "throwing it in her face." My spouse is not much of a writer, but the few times she wrote me letters, even the mean ones, really went down better.

"he knows he has to work on his before I will be able to work on mine. "

You may not be able to understand this at this time. But this is a classic mistake on the betrayed spouses part. If you want to heal, you have to work on your end now. There are no shortcuts. You can't count on him doing his end. By doing your end, regardless of when he does his end, is going to be far more easier on you in the long run.

It's like school. If you don't do any of the homework assignments, regardless of what grade you get. You are not going to get any of the benefits. And even if he never does his. There are still benefits to doing your list for him. Self esteem being a big one. Everyone wants the other person do fix it. Including me. But the fact is that the only thing you have any real power over is you.

I know how screwed up that is but after our spouses affair. We live in a different world. A different reality. One that will never be fair again. But, my experience has been that doing my work regardless of what she does, heals me. And it heals us. And doing the work might heal your spouse. And a key element to forgiveness is the fact that it is a gift that we give others who don't deserve that gift. He might not deserve you doing your list first. But that is sort of the point.

Again, it's not going to be fair. Once you accept that, it is going to be easier to make the sacrifice of some of your feelings. But just so you know. Feelings are like flowers in your garden. Some really fragile, pretty ones have been damaged by all this and they probably will not survive, while others, with a little attention right "now," will grow in their place, and some of those flowers are a lot more beautiful than you ever thought they could be. Some of the new ones will be hearty, colorful, voluptuous, durable, even spectacular. And I promise that you will sit and wonder why you didn't try and grow them before. I know I did.

But hoping others will do any of this work for you ... I promise you that ugly weeds is what you can expect.

You can do this. You are asking the right questions.

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness and Listening.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2009
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 11:55am

Too good to leave, Too bad to stay is a good book , one of the first i read right after. some parts i read to my husband ... helps to rekindle some of the old feelings we had when we were dating (Married 12 years )

Getting past the affair I only read half of this book and put it aside for a whille, it's only been 3 months since i found out.


Just recently started reading The sexually confident wife