Rt now I'm angry & FULL of resentment!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Rt now I'm angry & FULL of resentment!
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 9:35pm

Okay, DON'T read this, if you are looking for hope, or encouragement, or could be


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 10:14pm
Of course it's a roller coaster.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 11:03pm

Yes Ties, other BS go through moments like this. I could have written your post word for word. That part about this "new" marriage being wonderful FOR HIM hit home.

We started talking today about buying a second home and letting our soon to be wed son and wife rent ours so they have a good sized place to start out. Now, most wives would be excited about moving up to a nicer place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 12:10am
You have hit dead on every emotion and thought I have had over the past 13 months but just couldn't get it right in words. I am considering printing your post and inadvertently leaving it lying somewhere in the open. The only problem is that would just end up making me the bad guy - despite the fact that your words ring true. So I guess i can file it away and read it from time to time to remind myself that I am not alone. I am one who needs to get the anger out before I heal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 11:09am

Your feelings are very common. They go out and have fun, use someone else to feel good for a while and we pay the highest price. The victim pays the highest price. It is no wonder the BS resents it. I certainly did and I let DH know it. It was one of those AHA moments for him. There was a part of him that was still thinking that what he had done wasn't so bad.

We BS get nothing but heartache out this deal, and if we are lucky, we end up with an M that is better because of all the work the WS puts in convincing us they are still worth our effort, or, we get rid of bad rubbish when the WS leaves us. Either way, we are in for a rough few years and if we want to come through it healthy, we have to put in a lot of hard work. It really isn't fair.

I started looking at it as if it were an accident or a medical issue. It isn't fair if you live your life as healthy and as well as you can and you end up with cancer or if you are a very careful driver, yet you get hit by a bus and have to learn how to walk all over again. Carp happens and you deal with it. It is what life is all about. Resentment is like an infection and if you don't deal with it, it turns to bitterness which is like gain green. It will kill you if you let it take hold. Don't let your resentment turn to bitterness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 11:17am

Perfect post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 12:12pm
I am with you. It has been years of rebuilding for me and hubby is doing his share now.
I am not angry though - It is an overwhelming underlying sadness I try to ignore 24/7
It is part of me now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 4:10pm
Ties -Just wanted to say that I am new here and I absolutely LOVED your post!! You have said everything that I am feeling and going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 2:03am

I definitely "get" your post. I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary of d-day, and I still have so much emotion wrapped up in this. Of course, some days are better than others, but some days, I struggle with the resentment and pain.

I asked my H once if knowing someone was so "hot" for him that they were willing to risk so much to be with him was an ego boost and he had to admit that it was. I think a lot of cheating has to do with ego-boosting. The problem for us BS is that we get the opposite of the ego boost. Whatever that horrible feeling is to know that they were willing to be with someone else.

So, yeah, they get the ego-boost, get to know that their spouse is faithful and willing to stick by them, and (hopefully) a better relationship, and we get our self-esteem dragged through the mud, our preconceptions of our marriage shaken to their core, our trust shattered, and (hopefully) a better relationship.

On the other hand, the WS has to live with the knowledge of what they did and how much that hurt us. The have to live with the fact that they can never be a spouse that was always faithful. We at least can know that we did that much.

I am sorry to hear about your neighbor. How quickly we take for granted the things we have and those around us. I believe that is another painful aspect of this for the BS - feeling that we were taken for granted. I don't feel that my H was with other women because he was didn't love me or want me, I just feel like during those times he convinced himself that I would never know and then he didn't think about me at all.

Thank you for your post. Sorry about the rambling response. I hope that it helps to know that many of us are struggling with the same feelings; I know it helps me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 10:48pm
I don't think I have any wisdom to give you but want to say, you definitely are not alone in your thoughts. Jan of 2010 will be 4 yrs for me and I still go through these emotions. This time of year is very hard for me, their flirtations really heated up in Oct of 05 and the affair started the end of the month and went until she confronted me in Jan, hoping I'd leave him. I have also been angry at God, Jeremiah tells us he has plans to prosper us and not bring us harm, right? I have real issues to this day when that is quoted, I still think "yea right, some plans stink". I am getting past my anger with God now. I still think someitmes my H isn't really sorry he did it, because some areas of our marriage have improved. I think he is sorry he got caught, sorry I got hurt but can't even begin to comprehend the depth of my pain. I sometimes wonder if he is even really sorry. I was shocked by it because his ex cheated on him a lot so I figured he would not do it, knowing how it felt. You're right, it's not fair they get to go on and we are stuck with no sense of security, what we believed in shattered.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 11:14pm

ties -

THE WORDS YOU HAVE TYPED, those words, those feelings, are words we have all said and feelings we have all felt.

yes, everything you have said is right on target.

maybe it is tonight, maybe is is a few of the new posts i have just read from new wives who have just found out - BUT I AM SICK OF THE FACT THAT NEW WOMEN KEEP COMING HERE EVERY DAM* DAY AND
YES YOU ARE RIGHT. the men, they get to feel saved, they get do overs, but what do we get - we get crap - what is crap? crap are the mental images, crap are the feelings of poor self esteem, crap are the lonely feelings of not being enough for them, crap is the fact that they gave to another what was ours, what was sacred, crap is the all of the unanswered questions we are left with. BUT MOST OF ALL CRAP IS THIS ----- now this is just me, but i am on a roll here-------------CRAP IS WONDERING WHO IS HE THINKING OF NOW DURING THE TIMES OF INTIMACY? and not just who but what - what they did together, was it so much better than what we did? must have been or he would never have left the little voice keeps telling me.

sorry to hijack your post, wish i could have been more positive, but i am not having a good day either. AND I KNOW EXACTLY WEHRE YOU ARE COMING FROM, i just could not say it as well as you did.