Seeing OW at an upcoming reunion

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Seeing OW at an upcoming reunion
16
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 5:42pm

A brief background: D-day was 20 months ago. Things have been going well. My H made some serious changes right away and has stuck to them faithfully.

I'm writing today because I'm not sure how to deal with this situation coming up. In September we will be attending a reunion, and I just found out that one of the women that my H "made-out" with (heavy petting and oral sex) will be there. That happened a really long time ago - 16 years or so (we've been married over 23 years) - but, of course, I found out on d-day. This woman was a good friend of mine, and we all hung out with mutual friends.

We had a reunion 10 years ago. She was there, and my H said that at that one they had a brief conversation where they admitted that they had made a mistake and wanted to put it behind them. I am glad that they had that closure, but I find that now *I* need closure.

I can't imagine going to the reunion pretending that it never happened. I know we will see each other a lot there and there's no way I can avoid her. I also don't want to confront her there.

I am thinking that what I need to do is contact her ahead of time; although I am open to other suggestions if anyone has any.

I was thinking of just saying that I know what happened and that I feel I need to say something about it before we see each other in September. I think I also need to say something about how hurt the betrayal is considering she was a good friend of mine at the time. I guess I would leave it to her to respond as she will.

I assume she'll apologize and admit her mistake. That leads me to wonder if that will be enough for me to not go completely bonkers at the reunion. I guess it would have to be; I really want to go and I'm not going to let what they did ruin a chance for me to visit with old friends and have a good weekend.

Anyway, any ideas on what to say - even specific wording - would be much appreciated. Ultimately I'll do what I feel I need to do, but the input that I get here always helps me to clarify my thoughts and feelings on these kinds of issues.

Thank you!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 9:48pm

I have always been one to follow my heart, to stay true to who I am and my feelings. With that in mind I think you have to listen to your inner voice to help guide you to do what is best for you as you said. But I too have always felt I have been able to better listen to my inner voice after bouncing my thoughts off of others. In my case when I knew I had be at a place I new my H newest XOW was going to be I sat down and composed an email. I had to write it several time's before I felt I got my true feelings across. With each draft I felt better, stronger more in control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 9:12am
A lot of time has passed and it does seem like she and your H realized the error of their ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 10:10am
excellent idea
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 3:13pm

Geez!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 5:53pm

Thank you all for your great input. I am just starting my 1st draft, but definitely up for more input if anyone else has some. I appreciate the level-headed, straightforward approach that everyone has suggested so far and will definitely use most, if not all, of the ideas I have received.

I'm finding another unanticipated, but not surprising, issue coming up with all this. That is that my H tends to see things more from her view point. Of course, they reached closure and she said her sorry's to him 10 years ago. Yesterday we brainstormed about how to deal with this and it was hard to hear him worry about how this might ruin HER weekend (of the reunion) and that my email might "freak her out." He even joked that I want to torment her. While I understand this all in my head, it's really hard not to feel like he is sticking up for her and that my feelings are secondary in all this. I know ultimately he wishes I wouldn't contact her, and I do too, but I know I can't do that.

I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with him today about all this. I know that he will be supportive and that he really does care what this is doing to me, I guess there is just still a part of me, deep down inside that still thinks that all of this was about me not being important to him and that blow to my self-esteem still effects me when the stress is piled on.

OK. Enough venting. Thank you again for being here for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 7:31pm

My husband's last reunion which I did not attend due to illness was a horror.

.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 7:46pm
Oh, just to add, concerning this whole reunion/high school/old girlfriend thing.
.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 1:26pm
I'm sure it will all go really well for you. I think the reason why we had these women going after my husband after the reunion had something to do with the way he was dressed at the reunion.
.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 1:49pm

That does sound like a mortifying event. Especially to let him go with such confidence. I remember all the times I was so proud of myself for feeling confident in letting my H visit with women and have lots of unaccounted for time. I felt completely confident in my trust in him. Now, of course, I feel foolish to be so blind.

Of course, now that I know better, my H has completely changed his behavior. He had lots of ways to flirt that I never noticed or know about, but that is all behind us (as far as I know and I can only pray that it's so).

So, although I feel confident about him and us at this reunion, I do know better than to turn a blind eye to any red flags. This is, fortunately, a reunion with many mutual friends, so even though my H is usually the more out-going of the two of us, I will make sure that I am included in his interactions - at least those with women!

Thank you for your input.

I am done with my first draft. My H is going to proofread it tonight, and then I expect I will take a couple of days to mull it over and fine-tune it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 3:55pm

It's always good to put it aside a couple days and revise, putting a new perspective on it.

.

Pages