Set back

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2012
Set back
7
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 7:54pm

I haven't wrote a post in months bc I feel like I've been doing ok. Today there was something that came up. We were watching Tosh.0 and there was a video/song on there called "smell yo di**" my husband said he didn't want to watch it and fast forwarded it. I should have left well enough alone but I asked him why he didn't want to watch it. He didn't tell me at first then I wouldn't leave him alone about it. He finally told me that "she" played that song for him and said "I'm surprised your wife doesn't do this when you come home." this brought up a mixture of feelings, hurt, anger, disgust. I lashed out at him and went had a good cry. It's been a couple hours since it happened and I feel so disgusted. I don't even want to be in the same house with him. It just really disappointing bc I don't think I have felt this way in over a year. He has ended the affair and has had no contact with her for over a year. I feel so distant from him right now and feel like I don't even want to be with him. What is going on with me? why have I let this affect me like it has?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2013
In reply to: MI54
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 6:10pm

I too had a set back cryed for 2 days I though I was doing better but did the book work and found the bills for all the hotel  feom the past 2 months and found that he saw her a lot more them he told me, she owns the hotel.  Feeling better now wish I had a magic wand and make the past 3 months go away.  Too many mixed felling going on in my head!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: awood1985
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 3:12pm

I see nothing here unusual about you still hurting over this.  Esp. anytime there's a "reminder", like that song - I think reminders have a physical effect on us, not just an emotional effect.  I think it's so easy to try to put a time frame on feelings and if we don't do it all perfectly and move on in a certain amount of time, it just messes with our brain.  Been there.  Yes, he broke off contact, but the bigger issue is has he gotten help to figure out why he resorted to going outside his marriage to fix what's ailing him?  Because you need to understand:  it had nothing to do with YOU.  We end up somehow feeling like "what did I do", when that's the wrong focus altogether.  He could help you by volunteering to do counseling solo, and by volunteer I mean likely you'd have to drag him there bodily - them going to a therapist makes them face what they've done and they'd rather not, thank you.  For me every single reminder drags me backwards, even after a number of years, one "reminder" in particular set us back to square one and I have to fight hard to not blame myself simply because he's a good boy now and a lot of time has passed.  It's different for each of us, but also the same.  You "let this affect you" just because it DOES.  It's the fallout of affairs and you need to be a lot kinder to yourself and quit blaming yourself in any way.  You didn't do this, he did.  Have you been tested, by the way? 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: myradorn
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 3:05pm

iV still messing up, ick.  I said good post, meaning YOU, Kendahke. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: myradorn
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 3:03pm

Good post.  Wink

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
In reply to: awood1985
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 12:54am
UGH!!! I feel your pain, disgust, anger and so much more. Sometimes I am AMAZED at some of the things my H said and did during his A. A disgusting selfish PIG of a man I do not know and sometimes I can not look at myself. Maybe take some comfort in the fact that he felt the shame and disgust he should have. That which at one time may have even been funny to him makes him feel bad. That is a sign that he is a different person. Good Luck!!
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: awood1985
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 10:27am

There is a saying, “Feelings buried alive never die.” Personally, I feel that until we actually face our hurts head on, we get to live with them, feel them, all of that, forever. Maybe one of the things you might consider is taking time to just sit down, walk yourself through everything you know, let the films of what you know happen play in your mind from start to end. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, let it all wash through you. Accept it as the reality in your life. Allow yourself to feel and own all the pain those events deserve. Maybe even write it down; maybe even share it with your spouse.

Then allow yourself to consider anything that you would want to be forgiven for. What someone’s grace from those things would feel like? See if there are implications in your case for grace also.

It is your right to be hurt. To feel hurt. You didn’t deserve this, but it you run from this hurt, it will hunt you your entire life. Maybe stop, live it, feel it, own it. Then see if you can move on, and maybe one day even let it go.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: awood1985
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 12:48pm

awood1985 wrote:
<p>I haven't wrote a post in months bc I feel like I've been doing ok. Today there was something that came up. We were watching Tosh.0 and there was a video/song on there called "smell yo di**" my husband said he didn't want to watch it and fast forwarded it. I should have left well enough alone but I asked him why he didn't want to watch it. He didn't tell me at first then I wouldn't leave him alone about it. He finally told me that "she" played that song for him and said "I'm surprised your wife doesn't do this when you come home." this brought up a mixture of feelings, hurt, anger, disgust. I lashed out at him and went had a good cry. It's been a couple hours since it happened and I feel so disgusted. I don't even want to be in the same house with him. It just really disappointing bc I don't think I have felt this way in over a year. He has ended the affair and has had no contact with her for over a year. I feel so distant from him right now and feel like I don't even want to be with him. What is going on with me? why have I let this affect me like it has?</p>

Emotions following the discovery of an affair is quite like an onion.  There are many, many layers and sometimes, you're going to cry while dealing with them.  Some layers don't squirt onion juice in the air and some do.

It's the reality that is not going to go away... time will help to temper the blows, but they're still going to come and some are going to land and land hard. 

I think what may be helpful for you is to determine how far you are willing to play in hurting yourself.  When you have the feeling of needing to leave well enough alone, do so. There is notihng he can say that's going to spin the earth backwards to before the moment he ok'd it with himself to have that affair.  The obviousness of that song and his reluctance to listen to it was enough to let this go. 

You've had enough go on to hurt you--you don't need to participate in bringing more pain to yourself.