Sex in our house! Should we move?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2010
Sex in our house! Should we move?
22
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 7:17am

Hello this is my first post. I found out about the A 3 1/2 months ago. Finally got to the point where I do not cry every spare moment of the day, however feelings still come in waves and I have some bad days, like yesterday and today.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 10:31pm

Tina, trust your gut... it hasn't failed me yet....


they say you should move to another state and he needs to cut off contact completely....100%... never see her again.... take it from me, affairs are addictions... needs to go cold turkey!


I love how men thinks it is only sex if they, well, ahem... MEN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 8:15am
Well if I can be thankful of anything here - it's that they never did it in my house - In my place of business - which he moved, on our filthy work table, which he got rid of and got another one - and in his car - which we got rid of....... I still think of it every day - and I found out last May 1, and he came home 9/1 so I don't know how long it takes. I looked up the hotel where they booked 3 hour 'sessions' and looked at the rooms - I'm not sure how to deal with it being in a room in your house. don't know what I would do.... def. go to MC if you two can - there is low cost out there - and both get tested.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2009
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 2:32pm

Hi there,


Sorry that you find yourself in this situation but this is a great place to come and vent or just search for answers!


My H had sex with is OW in his car...it's been sold because I couldn't stand to look at it. He also had sex at his workplace (they worked together) he is now in the process of transferring. The final place that I'm aware of is our family's cottage....sad thing is that it's the family's so we cannot sell it. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about going there again.


I can only say that I am 5 months since D-day and the thoughts of him with someone else are still very raw. I had asked him to sell his car and change workplaces and whatnot long ago and he was resistant. I know now that it was because he was still in contact with the OW. My story has a different twist than yours though....my H's OW is pregnant so he was trying to figure out what to do with the baby and so on. He has now told her NC and we will figure out the baby when it gets here. He has since done all the things I mentioned above and blocked her number from his phone. He has somewhat transformed back to the man I fell in love with but is it enough? I wonder the same things as you. Will these thoughts and feelings ever pass????? I don't know yet. Only time will tell. Like I said, time has been easing things, that's for sure but will the mind movies ever be erased? I don't know.


Good luck to you! I wish you all the best in your journey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 10:09am
Well, I brought up moving a 2-3 times starting about a month after D-Day. He avoids the discussion with "let's talk about it." Finally his idea is "Can't we just remodel the house?" Like that will erase the memories?! Every morning I wake up and it's my first thought. Before I got to bed, I think of it again. Truth be told, I have a hard time imagining them together in that room in the house, but I clearly remember her sitting next to him at our BBQ party laughing. And I seem to have no problem with "mind movies" of them at the hotels nearby where they admitted to going after drinking. Makes me sick. Knowing that they were at hotels in the area makes me want to move the most for some reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 2:08pm

Oddly, our counsellor told us to move or make some big life altering "splash" as she called it. Thankfully, my H never brought his OW here to our home. If he did I would be in the same

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 10:59am
Hi Hon! Just wanted to tell you a little about how I felt that my H had sex with his OW in my home. At first it was like a black hole I didn't want to go near. I cryed at the door or anytime I went upstairs. I put the picture in my head of him with her on our couch then taking her upstairs. It just grosses me out most of the time. But really sit back and be strong. I'm talking puff out your chest, grunt and stand your ground. That is your place and don't let this A or OW take any more control over your life. That is what I did. That is why I'm staying with him. I AM NOT going to let this immoral woman take anything else from me. House, husband, family included!!! As time passes it will heal a little more all the time. Go in that room and scream this is my place and just because two people acted like idiots doesn't mean I have to feel bad or give up my place. I live only around the corner from my H, Affair. I see her drive by every day and what I do, smile, kiss up my kids and love my husband as much as possible right to her face. She isn't good enough to change anything in my life. And if the DNA test proves that my H is the father of her kid, then she is going to feel like crap when the kid calls me mom and what's to stay with us instead of her. We have other children and a fun, happy home. That kid is not going to want his drunk mama. I can't wait for the day that she feels that pain. So she understands that this is going to cause her just as much pain as it did to me and my family. Boy she has no IDEA!!! Stay strong sweetheart and know that you are not alone in this. Men have been doing this stupid stuff since the beginning of time. It really is human nature to spread seed!! Apes!! Stay strong!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2010
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 6:48pm

"That is your place and don't let this A or OW take any more control over your life. That is what I did. That is why I'm staying with him. I AM NOT going to let this immoral woman take anything else from me. House, husband, family included!!! As time passes it will heal a little more all the time. Go in that room and scream this is my place and just because two people acted like idiots doesn't mean I have to feel bad or give up my place."

Thank you. It is good to hear that things might get better with time. We just bought this house 3 years ago. Used, but in good condition, big yard. I picked it out. H bought it for me. I had wanted a new house but we decided an older one with bigger land would be a good trade-off and more affordable. Fast-forward 18 months later and we have D-Day (4 months ago) and my "new" house has been defiled. Gee, thanks.

We each had our own room for hobby things, as we have no kids yet. He claimed the room directly across from our bedroom upstairs. That is where he invited the OW to come hang out, listen to music, and drink together while I was back in America (I live overseas) attending my father's funeral. They had sex to the point of insertion in this room. At which point he suddenly pulled out, said something like "this is disrespectful to my wife. Let's go to a nearby hotel." And they finished it off at the hotel. The mind movies, of them cuddling, kissing, his pants off (I made him tell me the gory details of EXACTLY what he did in the house) are sickening.

H has been overseas on extended business at the company's local factory for about 2 months. In that time I moved everything of his downstairs to my hobby room, and moved all my stuff into his hobby room. I didn't want him hanging out in this room anymore with the chance to think of her and what they did there. I felt I had to reclaim this space and get more good memories in this room. I don't know why it doesn't bother me so much that I am sitting in the room now doing all my internet and painting, but it still bothers me when I go to bed at night because our bedroom across the hallway. I used to cry every morning and night thinking about what happened in this room. Now it does not hurt as much that it happened in this house so much the fact that it happened at all. I am praying for God to take away the pain and help us move on. We are still considering divorce if we cannot overcome the A as well as tons of marital problems which got us here, so the house may get sold anyway.

Some days I want to sell the house just to punish my H. Some days I think I can't take it anymore and want a divorce. Some days I feel like you StuckSteph, like reclaiming my space and my life. Has what I have done so far qualified as " puffing chest and grunting"? I hope so.

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 8:05am
Might want to take a second and try some perspective and logic on this whole thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 4:09pm

i can totally relate to your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 5:10pm
Maybe you could find a witch or herbalist to come and "cleanse" the room and the patio area of the house--- it may just be symbolic, but it may help! My H drove HO to motels and on errands(hates to take me on errands, but hey ) and also kept her love notes in the glove box (yep, first place I looked DDay) so I stated as part of the contract of him being allowed to stay and work on the M, that he sell the truck. He sold it and I am glad--
I say whatever makes YOU feel better. *while the witch is there maybe have her make a pass around H

Pages