Sex with spouse after discovery

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Sex with spouse after discovery
6
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 7:57pm

For us the sex has gotten more intense and frequent. One of the 'reasons' my DH gave is that we were only having sex 3-4 times a month (true) that is why he went online and had phone sex and cyber sex for a release...and to feel wanted. He actually thought he grossed me out and that I was bored with him. I called it being content and married.

I immediatly wanted to claim him again as mine and show him how much I do love him.

I have talked to others who have said that it took a very long time for relations to start again, but this was with physical affairs.

WE have sex about 4-6 times a week now, very passionate, lots of "sessions". WE are learning new things about eachother and basically having a great time. But I also feel like we are on such a sex frenzy that we might fall soon...personally the more I get the more I want. My DH said that the frequency is fine with him and he feels alot closer to me, plus we are doing more of everything together again, not excluding each other from our lives.

How about everyone else...more sex or long time till you could let him touch you again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 11:42pm

A week after D-day...he couldn't touch me...plus I was being treated for a STI, he passed to me. (Oh Joy!!).

Just before treatment was over we did start having sex again, using condoms. It was GREAT, passionate and we opened up about what we liked/didn't like. He even asked me if I ever "faked" an orgasm. We learned a lot during that time.

They call it the honeymoon phase. (not sure if it this happens for EA's -if that is what you consider your H having).

Anywho, after that phase was over...about a month or 2 later. I realized that I was also having sex so often to prove to him that I was desirable and that I measured up. Almost like I needed to show him he had NO reason for going after that OW.

After that realization, we learned that he equated sex with feeling wanted and needed. Even though we were having sex 1-2 times a week. That wasn't enough for him and he thought I didn't want him. But he didn't understand that I needed things from him as well and wasn't getting them therefore I had no reason to "put out" more than I was. Unfortunately for us both, we didn't have this conversion until after the A, When we should have had it before the A was even a thought in his mind.

Looking back, even though I wasn't getting what I wanted from him yet didn't even consider cheating...I stupidly thought that he would think the same way I did if he felt like something wasn't quite right. HA!

Course it is not reason for his bad decision to have an affair. Our communication was off and I can recognize that now. Luckily he did break things off with OW before I even found out about A...he told me on 12-20-04 due to STI. Thanks to the STI, he had NO reason to go after OW again. He took 100% responsibility, struggled with understanding forgiveness, but changed his behavior by checking in with me...I have access to ALL business accounts and phone bills. (something I don't think he will ever get back again).

I still don't trust him but I guess that will take some time.

 

Greatly Missed, Never Ever Forgotten

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 12:27pm
I can really identify with how you felt. After 28 years of marriage my husband had an A with someone I thought was a friend. I, too, had to prove something to myself and to him that it wasn't all a physical issue. I have since learned that bad communication and lack of really hearing what the other person is saying is the real problem and issue today. I still have not totally gotten over the betrayal(s) but I am having a difficult time now with the fact that he doesn't seem to be "hearing" what I am saying and "trying" in his own way without really "trying" to work it out in the way that I need it to. We are still together, but not "connecting" at all. It is really sad to me that it is this way, but I can't get through to him. In his mind now, I think he has made himself the victim because he feels bad about what happened and he doesn't think he can do anything that I think is right (which is not true, but he doesn't "hear" otherwise)
I am not happy with this situation, but right now it's all I have to go with.
Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 8:15pm

Gail,

My DH does the same thing. Makes comments like "one more thing against me" as if HE is the victim! We're only weeks from disclosure, or DDay #3 and when I hear how some are doing I don't want to waste anymore time on trying to *rebuild* single handedly, bc DH thinks just stopping the A is sufficient. We are so far apart it isn't even funny. He has the audacity to ask me if I trust him! When he made his first *confession* which was so vague he still didn't tell OW that I knew and wanted her to think that he was sticking to his promise of not telling me. When I insisted he tell her he got so angry and said that he already admitted it to me and that's not enough and I just want more and more and this will never end and he's sick of it. Needless to say, I was speechless. How could he not see that OW should know. H said that as long as WE know, that should be enough. Then he said that IF he decides to tell OW that it will be HIS decision and HIS judgment call. I told him he's incapable of making decisions and his judgment is so flawed it's not funny, how can he make any kind of decision when it's obvious that the decisions he's been making up til now have been so bad. I feel that I need to leave his a** in order for him to really *get it*. He did tell OW the next day, however, and actually ended up confessing to OW's H at that! I've been married 31 years and I WILL walk away from this. I don't need it and I told H that this is HIS issue and he needs to figure himself out on his own. I feel that I need to move on, with or without him, as a woman, as a person, and not be stuck anymore. I feel as if time has stood still since DDay #1 (9/3/05) and it's a new day, as Patti Labelle so appropriately says.

I'm rambling now. After DDay #1 we set record numbers in the sex department. Of course, there was no disclosure or details of any sort. I think it was my way of wanting to hang onto H emotionally and physically and also to prove to myself that I'm still desirable and attractive. Now, since disclosure, whenever H touches me I think of him doing this to OW, or OW doing this to H. And since DDay our sex has been "different" in that H asks me to "put it in" saying he likes me to be aggressive (this was before disclosure). Other subtle changes that make me not want to touch him. I use to love to kiss his chest and it was never a big deal to him. Now he TELLS me that he loves for me to kiss his chest when it's been literally YEARS since he said that. He also likes to give OS more. I've never been a big on receiving OS and now he wants to do that so frequently. I hate to think of him doing that to OW and I believe that is going to be significant bc how can I ever kiss him again without thinking of that?

My question to him is why now? Aren't we a little old to be doing this at this late stage in our life? We're suppose to be gearing up since all the kids are gone and we can keep more of what we make, travel, and really enjoy each other ... and he does THIS? I asked him, are you going to be doing this 10 years from now? If we divorce he will have a tougher time emotionally and financially and he left himself so vulnerable in those areas. Also, what little closeness he had with our adult children has been affected to where they don't want to see or talk to him bc he took each of them aside and, like he did to me, told them individually that he and OW were "just friends talking too much" and that "your mom is going overboard again". My sons agreed and told me to "get over it" and so it put distance between us bc I avoided them bc they looked at me as if I was going crazy. My daughter believed her dad at first bc he's never lied to her before. As time went on she had the same "gut" feeling that he wasn't being truthful but wanted to believe him and so she was torn.

There is so much resentment here. My son said that even if I were to forgive him that he doesn't have to. It's just all so sad. And all behind what? Bc H liked the way OW made him feel?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 10:04am

From what I've read on these forums, sounds like most men repeat the same line to their wife that "I wasn't getting enough sex." I heard the same thing. I answered my H with the fact that I had told my H several times way before the A things he could do for me that would, in turn, help me to want to be intimate with him more often. My suggestions fell on deaf ears and unfortunately, most times sex felt like just another chore on my list of things to do. I had told him this specifically too. How much more blunt could I have been? Anyway, I got the standard "we didn't have sex but x amount of times...." and I told him that I wasn't getting it either but I didn't go outside of the marriage to get it like he did.

After Dday, we did go through the "honeymoon" phase. I felt the need to be closer to him. I don't think I was trying to please him, but he started showing more affection towards me and I was responsive. I know that some BSs feel repulsed by their WS, but I suddenly became clingy & needy. That was so unlike me and I'm finally backing off a little and giving him some room to breathe. I'm finally starting to feel stronger emotionally. H also realized that such frequent sex was not really what he wanted anyway. It's usually hotter if we give it a little time in between. We've also realized that we should be more spontaneous and take advantage of situations (teenager at the movies, etc.) It took awhile to find the right balance as to how much sex is enough and how much is too much. Right after the A I felt rejected if he didn't want sex, and he thought I was just having sex to please him. I think it takes some time to strike a balance and get your bearings straight when it comes to what you both want and what works for you as a couple. We're able to communicate better now what we want as individuals and we already feel stronger as a couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 3:17pm
Wow, that is amazing to be able to gradually start over. I'm having problems figuring out my husband. He's been hiding porn since he told me I could throw away videos if it still bothered me after moving in together(6 yrs ago). Well, he still hides it, pretends he forgets where he's hidden them... I jus don't know whether to believe him. I also think he's cheating b/c I found missing condoms in his wallet from our drawer with a ripped picture of a stripper. He swore up and down that he'd never cheat on me, but I have a terrible feeling in my gut. How do you know if he is cheating? For you, how do you know if he'll do it again? This is all so scary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 8:19pm

It was 3 days after Dday when we had sex again. I asked him to make love to me. He was physically ready but emotionally scared. *Really* scared, even though he never had sex with the OW. I honestly didn't think it was going to happen, but it did and it was the most passionate love making session to date I think.

When we first got together we had sex all the time. 2 or 3 times a day at least nearly every day the month. Our sex life has always been good but over the years with the birth of our kids and life challenges, the sex was (a lot) less frequent along with spending time together as a couple. But when we did have sex, it was always great except for when his porn addiction was at its highest & I felt more like a sex object to him than a wife. We are always brutally honest with each in other as far as communicating what we like and what we don't like. We even tell each other what to do to improve our technique to make it more pleasing to the other. I'm telling you, the only that lacked was frequency.

Right after Dday there were some things I couldn't do to him. OS is one of them because he'd told me her lips had just touched the tip of his penis before he shoved her away. I also didn't want him fondling/kissing my breasts which is something I love because he kissed hers one time. Literally. Just one time and it was the very top of the breast. Barely even the breast. He kissed her cleavage pretty much, but he was still 'there.' It has gotten easier for the both of us. He was very scared to touch my breasts because he knew what I'd be thinking and he didn't want to further upset me. I finally decided to give him OS one night because I wanted to and I wasn't going to let HER take that from me. He was so scared, but so pleased. It was a big step for us.

My dh is extremely remorseful for his actions and very careful and gentle with me as well as himself in regards to feelings. The sex has slowed down again and there's been nights he's asked me or told me he wants to make love to me where I've told him no. Just feeling the close intimacy between us while holding & kissing each other one night was better than sex for the both of us. So I guess our 'honeymoon' period is over but we are becoming stronger in our marriage. We just take things one at a time and do what we feel is right at the moment. I need to add that there's also been times where I've had flashbacks to Dday and visions of 'them' in my head where I've also refused sex with him. It's a struggle but one I'm determined to overcome one way or another.

(Sorry if I rambled too much)