IS SHE REALLY MAD ABOUT ME?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
IS SHE REALLY MAD ABOUT ME?????
5
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 10:34am

9 weeks since D-Day and I still don't know where I am in this terrible mess, my wife had a thing with my best friend. I call it a thing because I don't know what else to call it as she said there was no sex and it was just a pure adrenalin rush for her. The thing went on for about 7-8 months before I cottoned on and confronted both of them, despite all the alarm bells they done a great job at convincing me that nothing had happened or would ever happen. One year later she came out and told me that it had happened and that it still went on for 6 months after the confrontation. My math tells me the whole thing lasted about 18 months. He held a very high position in our business, in fact he was my 2IC and they faced me everyday. I trusted them

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 2:20pm

You bet she is mad at you because she is facing the consequences of her actions and, well, that make her life difficult. If only you would be a good boy and sweep it all under the rug, she wouldn't have to look too deeply at it. It is human not to want to look too deeply at your mistakes, but the problem with not processing an A and not allowing the BS to process an A is that it will come back to bite you in the behind.

She created this problem, it is up to her to fix it. Until she had DEMONSTRATED that she can be trusted and then some, she cannot reasonably expect you to trust her. It took a while for this to sink into DH's thick scull, too, and when it did, he became an open book. It has been three years since Dday #2 and I do trust him now, but he is still an open book to me and makes sure I don't have any reason to doubt him. It is completely unreasonable for her to expect you to trust her. It is up to her to rebuild your trust, and after what she has done, she should feel lucky that you are still M to her, let alone be upset that you don't trust her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 11:46pm

I couldn't have

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 3:06am

JD thanks


I did seek help from spiritual leader and suggested W join me for counseling, W not interested says she can deal with what she has done and does not need to be counseled and constantly reminded of what she has done.


Sure I know her and believe she can deal with it cause that is just who she is, question is though can I deal with it.


Because I love her with all my heart I will have to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 10:15am

The thing is, this affects more than her. She is not giving any thought to how this has affected you and it has affected you deeply and will for a long time. That is a huge part of what she has done and it sounds like she isn't taking any responsibility towards helping you deal with it. Maybe she doesn't need counseling, but maybe YOU do need her to go to counseling with you.

Part of the A fog is thinking that the A is only about the APs. You know they are coming out of it when it hits them that they have done a great deal of damage to those around them and are willing to do whatever it takes to help those they have hurt no matter how much it hurts them to be reminded of what they have done. Your W is still in that fog and will remain there for as long as you make excuses for her. The best thing you can do for her is to stop protecting her from facing the consequences of her own choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 12:13pm

ok, that is some real food for thought,


thank you for taking the time to share your point of view. I was thinking and analyzing just before I read this.


I have decided that I am gently going to drop the bomb and insist that she take responsibility for her actions and be more sensitive and accommodating to my healing process.


Thanks again