Should I ask H to email OW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2010
Should I ask H to email OW?
8
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 10:05pm

D-Day was 12-20, and we're working through this, as we have 2 boys to raise and do still love each other immensely.

He was in a car accident while driving her car, so he agreed to pay the deductible on her insurance, which we have been able to do most of, though we still (theoretically) owe her $200 (which I really think she can do without: he wrecked her car, she wrecked my life... I think she's come out ahead!). She emailed him a week or so ago asking about that balance, but we're in such a tight spot financially right now, it's out of the question. I shortly thereafter emailed her and said that she should address those concerns to ME at MY email (I threw in a few unpleasant statements here and there to make myself feel a little better in the process!), and her reply back was surprisingly agreeable and succinct.

What I'm throwing around in my mind now is whether I should ask my husband to email her to say the things that he's said to me: that he regrets it, that it was a mistake, that he wishes he could take it back, that I'm so much more intelligent, beautiful and classy (I'm tremendously self-conscious about these things) than she.

This was a relatively short-lived affair (Thanksgiving to 12-15, and it happened while he was 1000 miles away), but according to my husband, the OW fell for him hard. Although the remorse he feels for my pain far surpasses it, the pain he's caused her bothers him as well. Saying these things to her would be hurtful to her.

I don't care. I'm angry. A LADY doesn't mess with another woman's husband. Even though (according to him) he made it clear that it was OVER (he told her that even if I didn't forgive him, he wouldn't go back to her because she would have been part of the reason he lost the "love of his life" and that is no way to start a rebound relationship!), I want him to deliberately hurt her the way he has (in my mind) deliberately hurt me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 2:49am

That was surprisingly one of the tasks our therapist gave to my husband--to email the OW (they had an emotional affair)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 8:37am

"A LADY doesn't mess with another woman's husband"


Yes, and a gentleman doesn't unzip his pants for someone other than his wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2010
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 9:23am

You're right: a gentleman doesn't unzip for an OW. But I think I've already dealt with the brunt of my anger towards him (see "Wicked Tongue"), and I guess I was wondering if this (his emailing her) would be considered vengeful behavior towards the OW. It's certainly kinder than what I originally had in mind: mailing a family portrait to her parents, who met him and had no idea that he was married with 2 children. The questions THAT would bring up! But my husband is right: there's no reason to add her parents to the list of people that have been hurt by their actions.

Thank you both, ladies, for your responses. They have been very helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2009
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 11:48am

I had my H email his OW. Actually, I gave him the choice to either call her in front of me or email her. He chose to email - fine. We worked on it together. Actually, he wrote the email and let me see it before he sent it. It basically said that he made a huge mistake and that he will have to pay for it for the rest of his life. That, he had made his decision and staying with me is what he truly wants. He said that he had hurt the most important people in his life for no reason - me, his kids and his family. The only thing I contributed was that she was the biggest mistake of his life. I wanted that in there to hurt her the way they had hurt me. The letter essentially says that anyways, but I wanted it in there. He sent it off and cc'd me on it. I noticed afterwards that he had taken the one part I wrote out. I was pissed. He changed it to he made a mistake. When I asked him why he took it out he said it was because he doesn't want her going off the deep end...I could care less and to me it's just him putting her feelings before mine. Does anyone see it like that or am I just being silly?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2010
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 12:36pm

Oh, I SO see it like that and you are SO not silly! That's a BIG thing that has bugged me throughout our contacts with her is how I just want to be cut & dry and he's concerned with being considerate. "HELLO, you weren't considerate to ME!" which of course he agrees with. His claim is that he's concerned with the ugliness that this has brought out in me, & that the traits that he's seeing as a result of the A are completely unexpected. Naturally, my response is that the A itself was unexpected!


But I digress..


Back to your husband's email: There's really no therapeutic value in his sending another email to specifically state his ommission. That's just anger talking. I'd say deal with the anger about that, and then move on. It's not worth the potential harm of it turning into an e-catfight.


Which is why my husband is reluctant to send the email I've asked him to send. I think I've allayed his concerns, however, by reassuring him that I won't let any response she might send make things worse between us. I'm in no mood to get into a battle of wits here. (I have ugly things I could add to that statement, but I'm working on my "wicked tongue"!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 2:24pm
It sounds like you have a good perspective on it - I agree, once the email is sent that should be the end of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 3:07pm

I agree with your statement that a real lady does not mess with another woman's H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2010
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 7:25pm

Wow. Thank you. Your words really helped put some perspective on things, and, yes!, I did walk with my head held high after I read that because it reminded me that I am so much better than the vengeful heart I've had lately.

God bless!