Should I leave BF over ex-WS?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Should I leave BF over ex-WS?
5
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 10:22am

Hello fellow bs’s!!!! Please help me as I am having a problem with my bf.  As you all know we are both bs’s.  His former gf drank heavily and cheated on him several times.  I posted a while ago about her trying to get back with him prior and during our relationship.

Well anyway, about a month ago we had a small argument when he mentioned her; stating she was the best gf he ever had and it was the best relationship minus the drinking and cheating and that he would go back to her in a heartbeat.  I said to him “So you would rather be with a drunken wh##@ than me?” and he said “YES!!!” and said I wasn't there at the time of their relationship and NOT TO JUDGE HER....

I am at a complete crossroad at this.  We were looking at houses and I have told him that I no longer wish to do that.  I have been distancing myself from him and he asked why…  we discussed some issues we were having but I did not bring up her (We both have very busy schedules and I just don’t have the energy to fight about that b**&ch)

I am really contemplating leaving him.  He has hurt me to the inner core and I don’t even know if I love him anymore because of this.  Because our schedules are so busy we really have not spent any time together so I don’t know if that is why I feel this way.

His friends told me that they hated her and said he could not take her to any social functions b/c she would get drunk and make a$$ of herself…and he wants her over me????????????????????

My friends say he said this in anger and it is not true and I need to get over it.  But after everything I have been thru I cannot.  I refuse to buy a house with a man who will twiddle his thumbs and wait for some drunken woman to come knocking….What would you do???

By the way, they broke up in 2007 and he still has pics, cards and love letters all over his house…..

Thanks a bunch…love Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 11:45am

I definitely wouldn't be buying a house with him.  It seems that he hasn't gotten over the relationship if he's saving all of her things.  I also think that a lot of times when people are angry they say things that they are really thinking that they would be too scared to say normally--it could also be the opposite, depending on his personality, I don't know him.  But sometimes w/ my ex, I had to be really mad to say things that were bothering me.  I do think it's the height of irony to say that the relationship was good--except for the drinking and cheating--isn't that kind of dumb?  He never had the idealized relationship that's in his mind.  He has to look at the whole relationship, which was that she WAS a drunk & a cheat.  He is still thinking about whatever good times they had together & just ignoring the fact that they had a lot of bad times.  That doesn't say much for his emotional intelligence. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 12:32pm

Thank you Musiclover...I just had a conversation with him about it.  I told him that he hurt me to the inner core and that I would NEVER say the same thing to him...He apologized and said he was mad when he said it (He does say things he doesn't mean when he is mad).  He told me that he would never go back to her and I am a better person then her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2013
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 7:43pm

You should find a guy who treats you right ALL the time. It sounds to me he doesn't fully appreciate you like he should. In my opinion, and call me stubborn and/or to proud, if a guy told me he would go back with his ex while still with me, I would give him a mental and phisical ass kicking.    I wish you the best of luck.  From your perspective you sound smart...and stuck. Good luck and listen to both your head and heart, and then put those two thoughts together.  But, at the bottom line, you need to leave him behind.  Don't let him hurt you mentally again, ok?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 4:33pm

Only you can decide what straw will break the camels back.  

I would say that buying a house together (or maybe you meant renting a house together) may not be the best idea if you are having doubts.  It is up for debate whether the pictures and cards at his place mean anything, or not.  Guys just don't think sometimes.  The pictures have probably just become background noise to him.  

BUT...if you ask him about maybe putting them away, or bring over a picture of the two of you to replace it, and he takes issue with that.  THEN I would say he has not moved past his R with the xGF.  

He may have that lurking notion that maybe if she quit drinking, things could have been different, and that is holding him back.  

Good luck and follow your gut.  

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 8:07am

Thanks for all of your advice.  It took me a long time b/c I have trust issues, but I finally got over this situation.  He apologized several times.  He took a day off from work and we spent the day together.  I felt I lost that connection with him b/c of what he said, but now I feel it coming back faster than ever.  I have been reading a book about relationships (I don’t know if I can say title) where it addressed men talking of the X’s and how when they talk about them you have nothing to worry about.  It also said to not worry about photos of X’s, just throw them in dumpster when you move in with him..

As far as photos, he did get rid of them and there are pics in his house of us.  He did this a while ago; and said he didn’t realize they were still around when he moved. 

So thanks again and God Bless.  Sorry I have been MIA but I cannot stand this new website as it is hard to log on and such… Christy