A shout out to all you successful rebuilders!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
A shout out to all you successful rebuilders!
4
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 9:44am

Hi there,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 9:16pm

Would sure love to hear some replies to your question. I am 10 months from DDAY, but we didn't really decide to try and fix things and move forward till a few months later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 10:13pm
Hi ladies
I am still fairly new to all this but me and my husband have decided to rebuild our marriage after he cheated on. I think the best thing we have done is we have gone to couples counseling. We have now been going for 5 months. This has helped us see what is important and allowed us to get out all those feelings that we never really talked about before. We are more connected now then we have been for a long time. It is still hard and everyday has its little struggles. But it has gotten better. We are also trying to change things and not go back to the way things were that made us disconnected in the first place. We go out alone together. Have dates. Send each other notes throughout the day. Pay attention to each and other and make time for each other. One thing I am trying to work on which I think does not help my marriage is becoming obsessed with the details of what happened. I think one thing I need to accept is that in that time when the affair was happening. That is behavior that I will never understand or make sense of. It was selfish and in that time he was only thinking of himself. Not me or his daughter. So I try everyday to make a decision to just accept that what happened, happened. And if I want to be happy I need to look at the now and how I want my future to be. I hope that helps you in this healing process. I know it is so hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 9:09am

Hi,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 3:00pm

Congratulations to you and hubby for trying to rebuild after tragedy A h3ll. We are 3.5 years into rebuilding and I will tell you that the first two years was crazy. I was a complete nutcase and I didn't know if we could stay M. What helped us most is my DH's willingness to show me that he really wanted to stay M to me. I wasn't a BS who needed to stay M because I have never been interested in sharing a man. Never again will I ever do that. I made sure that my DH truly wanted monogamy. We went through MC which helped, but the best thing that made us stay together is putting God first in our M. For the first time, DH and I pray together every day and attend church services regularly. Thank goodness my DH went total NC with xow. He dropped her like a turd and we moved far far away from her. My DH changed his total life by being 100% transparent. I needed DH to help me/us recover because he has always been my best friend. We are lovers, friends, we play together, date each other and most of all we pray together. I also pray for my DH. Our M is wonderful and I am in a better place. We are one of the rare ocassions where my DH is really disgusted by what he did and the xow and he would walk through fire to keep us together.

It takes total NC from the WS and you must make sure that you are meeting each other's needs. My DH wasn't big on communicating before his A, but now we talk for hours. We talk about each others struggles and pray for each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 7:32pm
Oh yeah that car would be sold before I lit it up on fire.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

acp2012,

I try and stay away from the boards now. Trying to live in the present. I think I checked back in a few times this year is all. I read something today, it brought me back here and I saw your post and I just wanted to reach out to you. Let you know I'm sending you some good vibes. I know in a very real way how you feel and I'm really sorry. I drove that f****** car into the ground knowing he sat in the passenger seat. My oldest daughters took her first date out in that car just before it gave up the ghost. Now I drive a sexy Kia Forte Koup. You should see the awsome (and huge) dress we rented for her preferance dance and how amazing she looked stuffed into the drivers seat of my car as she drove off to pick up her date.  (see how I've taken that back)

I hope you are standing up for yourself. I hope you get up each day and do what it takes to be your best self. Lean into the pain, put your war face on, and get to it. There is no other way to live.

All my best.

Tom 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 11:29pm

two things from an old "rebuilder"  dday 2006

i made him take me to all places they were together--did i see them all-who knows bc i have since learned so deeply that one who has an A is a liar, cheater, etc.  i'm glad i went to their places bc at that time i needed to see them to help heal.

 

the car--or MY CAR.  they used it and i was so pi$$ed.  i actually was mowing yard and ran the mower into the car several times, denting it as i went.  i demanded he sell it and buy me another.  i didn't care about money anymore--he choose to have A and broke my heart, spirit and soul.  so in the end it cost him plenty--anything that he chose to have her around that was mine--was sold.

his A cost him new car, another house, a new job for him and i quit my job.  we are still rebuiilding but doing ok.  sometimes are better than others but the way he showed remorse and kindness was the key.  he allowed me to "be out of control" wheneve i needed and how ever long it took.  he answered all questions, etc.  but now, i don't check on anything.  it was too much work after a while.  but--i will never go thru this again.  i couldn't do it.  he knows and i do believe him that he will never do it again.  but as we all know--we never expected our H to do this in the first place.