So confused. Maybe we could R afterall?
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|Mon, 04-17-2006 - 2:49pm|
I talked to stbx husband yesterday on the phone for about an hour. He seemed to be finally getting it... seeming regretful, feeling guilty, realizing what he had lost. He talked about the mistakes that he made in our marriage. Kept saying that he had screwed up so bad. If he could go back and fix it he would. I told him he could always fix the future, but that I wasn't even sure what I wanted at this point. That I really didn't like him anymore... that I was disappointed in who he had become and not sure if he was even capable of meeting my needs. He agreed. Said that part of him thought that I'd be better off without him. I said that part of me thought the same thing. H is still seeing OW but still living with his parents. I filed for divorce last week. He didn't know. I did tell him on the phone. He seemed disappointed, but said "do what you have to do." I told him that I posted my profile on match.com -- to that he had the same reply and same sadness in his voice. We talked a lot about lots of things. When he came to get the baby, he seemed to want to linger. He avoided eye contact, when he finally made it, I could see the pain, hurt, love and regret in his eyes. That night when he came back, we talked some more... there was a moment when it felt like we should kiss... it was so strong. But we both resisted. I told him that I couldn't do that with him right now. He agreed... but said that he felt the same thing that I did. If we had kissed, I don't think that it would have ended at that. I think that we would have made love. And that can't happen for sure. We both still love each other. Neither of us wants a divorce. But I'm only willing to reconcile if he gets rid of the OW for good, makes his life an open book, agrees to IC and MC, courts and dates me again and we renew our wedding vows. And even then I still don't know for sure. He said that he wanted to try. But didn't make any commitments to do anything. Whether or not he does anythign is the question. So far he hasn't done a thing, but it's only been a month and a half. I am so confused because I thought that I was so done. I wish that I could just shut the love off. Part of me is hopeful, but I still stand where I've been standing. It's over until he can move mountains to make it work. And if he doesn't then it's not going to work. Now I go on with my life like I have been, and if he does anything different. Well then maybe it can work, but I'm not counting on it. But maybe we can R... his attitude is different now... he seems to be seeing things differently. And we both love each other, but that isn't enough in and of itself. Isn't that sad that love isn't always enough? I don't know, but I am feeling confused. Part of me feels like I should go NC again... but also we needed to talk at some point. I just don't know what to think, feel or do at this point other than go on and see what happens. This sucks. I wish that I could have answers now and quickly. Our conversations didn't involve, crying, arguing, yelling or blaming... it was all rational and thought out. I don't feel like I let him give me any false hope. There is hope, but only if he does a lot different. And that well... that I seem to think is doubtful. Maybe he'll surprise me. And if he does, then what? Do I even want him back? I don't know. But I haven't seen any actions yet... so until that happens it really isn't up for discussion. I wonder if not talking to him just gives him more space to ignore the situation... but talking to him makes us both more confused. I just don't know. Maybe I'm a fool... he hasn't done anything different YET. Anyway you guys always talk sense into me? What now? I don't know if no contact is a good idea or not... when that happens nothing seems to get accomplished. But I just don't know what to do. There is still so much unfinished emotional business in this relationship... sigh. I don't know.