So confused. Maybe we could R afterall?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
So confused. Maybe we could R afterall?
17
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 2:49pm

I talked to stbx husband yesterday on the phone for about an hour. He seemed to be finally getting it... seeming regretful, feeling guilty, realizing what he had lost. He talked about the mistakes that he made in our marriage. Kept saying that he had screwed up so bad. If he could go back and fix it he would. I told him he could always fix the future, but that I wasn't even sure what I wanted at this point. That I really didn't like him anymore... that I was disappointed in who he had become and not sure if he was even capable of meeting my needs. He agreed. Said that part of him thought that I'd be better off without him. I said that part of me thought the same thing. H is still seeing OW but still living with his parents. I filed for divorce last week. He didn't know. I did tell him on the phone. He seemed disappointed, but said "do what you have to do." I told him that I posted my profile on match.com -- to that he had the same reply and same sadness in his voice. We talked a lot about lots of things. When he came to get the baby, he seemed to want to linger. He avoided eye contact, when he finally made it, I could see the pain, hurt, love and regret in his eyes. That night when he came back, we talked some more... there was a moment when it felt like we should kiss... it was so strong. But we both resisted. I told him that I couldn't do that with him right now. He agreed... but said that he felt the same thing that I did. If we had kissed, I don't think that it would have ended at that. I think that we would have made love. And that can't happen for sure. We both still love each other. Neither of us wants a divorce. But I'm only willing to reconcile if he gets rid of the OW for good, makes his life an open book, agrees to IC and MC, courts and dates me again and we renew our wedding vows. And even then I still don't know for sure. He said that he wanted to try. But didn't make any commitments to do anything. Whether or not he does anythign is the question. So far he hasn't done a thing, but it's only been a month and a half. I am so confused because I thought that I was so done. I wish that I could just shut the love off. Part of me is hopeful, but I still stand where I've been standing. It's over until he can move mountains to make it work. And if he doesn't then it's not going to work. Now I go on with my life like I have been, and if he does anything different. Well then maybe it can work, but I'm not counting on it. But maybe we can R... his attitude is different now... he seems to be seeing things differently. And we both love each other, but that isn't enough in and of itself. Isn't that sad that love isn't always enough? I don't know, but I am feeling confused. Part of me feels like I should go NC again... but also we needed to talk at some point. I just don't know what to think, feel or do at this point other than go on and see what happens. This sucks. I wish that I could have answers now and quickly. Our conversations didn't involve, crying, arguing, yelling or blaming... it was all rational and thought out. I don't feel like I let him give me any false hope. There is hope, but only if he does a lot different. And that well... that I seem to think is doubtful. Maybe he'll surprise me. And if he does, then what? Do I even want him back? I don't know. But I haven't seen any actions yet... so until that happens it really isn't up for discussion. I wonder if not talking to him just gives him more space to ignore the situation... but talking to him makes us both more confused. I just don't know. Maybe I'm a fool... he hasn't done anything different YET. Anyway you guys always talk sense into me? What now? I don't know if no contact is a good idea or not... when that happens nothing seems to get accomplished. But I just don't know what to do. There is still so much unfinished emotional business in this relationship... sigh. I don't know.


Summer



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:04pm

You're not a fool...you're just realistic.


I agree with you that until he ends contact with OW, the rest is just his guilt and personal angst that gets the better of him when he's in your company.


It's not unusual for the WS to start seeing that the grass is NOT greener on the other side, unfortunately he has pissed in your garden and he'll need to do some cleansing on his own IMHO before rebuilding can be a real option.


I actually think it's still all about him making himself feel better...sorry, I know that's not what you'd like to hear. You're smart and patient and realistic...keep watching the actions from afar while you continue to adjust to your new way of life. Time will tell is he's going to be able to demonstrate some real actions or just offer apologies.

Solazzo

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Registered: 08-09-2000
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:14pm

<>

Summer...this one sentence tells it all. If he is not willing to end his relationship with her, he is not remoseful enough. Do not get sucked into his dance. If he truly values you and your marriage...she would be history. No contact...hon...no contact.

Julie

P.S...when I told my husband I was filing for divorce, he said the same, exact thing..."you have to do what you have to do". He fell apart when the actual papers were in his hands. He moved heaven and earth to keep that divorce from happening. OW wasn't quite so important after that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:27pm

Summer, Please do not let your guard down. My H did the same to me during Thanksgiving while we were not together in 04. He was so sad looking making me feel bad for him. Making me second guess myself and the choices I had made to move forward with out him. He did kiss me that night and held me so tight before he left. I just cried and cried to see the pain, love and regret in his eyes.. What a stupid a** I was back then he left my house and went to hers! They had a nice family dinner including her parents that evening. He spent the night with her. The next morning he must have left her in a hurry because he was at it again on the phone with me. Telling me how sad he was when he left and how he could not stop thinking about me all night long BLAH BLAH..

He was still on the fence and wanted to keep me hanging as long as he could.. I even told him when he did come begging for a chance to rebuild and realy ment it. That I felt all along it was not love that he kept me hanging for it was control. He wanted me to sit and wait for him to be done and just take him back. Well that is not how it happened...

I was/am a new person now much stronger then I was at the start of this mess in 04. though we did end up trying to rebuild. I am not who he used to have. I no longer allow him to control anything about me.. We either do things together 100% or I do my thing on my own. I will NEVER beg him to love me again.. NEVER!! He knows this is a one shot deal if we do not make it there are no other chances.. Sad but true and in away I know I will be just fine either way.. Not like I was at the start of this at all..

I love who I am becoming. I love knowing I can do things for myself and it is my choice to be with him because I love him and he is showing he loves me and is working to help me heal. But I am not with him out of fear. I am no longer afraid of facing life with out him. Because like you I faced it. I did sleep many night alone.. I did get my kids to school each day on my own. I did go to work and handle the day to day stuff on my own.. You have as well. THEY NEVER have someone was always right there to help them. Be it Mom, US, OW, someone took care of them. WE take care of ourself. Pretty good feeling knowing you can be alone!!!

Keep your chin up you are doing great!! Don't second guess your inner voice!!
Keep us posted

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:00pm

This sounds very familiar. The reality starts to hit WS and then they start sharing that with you. It pulls on your heart bc you want to stay married. I think you did the right thing in keeping your distance physically. I know what a kiss can turn into. Until he actually breaks it off with OW and is totally committed to rebuilding, keep up with your plans. Its very tempting to think he's coming around and start giving your heart hope. This is the trap of fencesitting. I think it takes a while for WS to wake up and figure out they're making a huge mistake, and some don't ever get that far. Usually a BS will have had enough and end the M. Its sad but its what happens.

hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:04pm

This rollercoaster bites, doesn't it?!

You've gotten some really great advice so far. While reading your post, this sentence that you wrote really struck a chord:

<>

This is something I should have made my STBX show me that he was willing to do for me - needless to say, I didn't and I just ended up more hurt than I was to begin with after his fake attempt at reconciling. Don't make the same mistake I made. Any person who loves me should be willing to move mountains to prove it - it's what I would for someone else.

Please keep rereading that sentence as many times as you need to. Don't settle for anything less.

hugs,
bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:19pm
Its a very upsetting time, my husband while in the divorce attorneys office would sit and cry and say how much he missed me. Its hard to have time with someone and lose them. However, he can talk and talk and talk summer and until he's will to **DO** anything and actually prove with actions that he's serious about making a committment to your marriage and doing what it takes to rebuild all it really is, is words. Don't you deserve more? You are out here hanging and flailing and he's still hanging on to his OW right??? How long are you suppose to wait for him to decide??? What if he never does, what if he lives like this for 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, never choosing....you have to do what you need to do for you and your child and not for him. Unfortunately his indecision is a decision. He is choosing her in his life over you and your child. He can love you and your daughter but until he is willing to close the door on OW, you and your daughter will never feel safe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:32pm
Summer, you seem to have everything under control. I really think you know what your doing. As you said only his actions can convince you now. And currently there aren't any. Let his actions show you the road that you need to take. Hugs, Tea
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 5:05pm
Summer and all you wonderful ladies, I am now in a similar position that Summer is in. Summer, please listen to the responses to your post, it's so unbelievably true. Unless they are willing to move mountains and their a...s to finally get off the fence....it'll never be......and I believe it was Hannah who said something to the effect that by that time the BS may realize that they don't want the H back. Trust your gut....we can rationalize anything we want ( they obviously are rationalizing their affair or reasons for not ending it, or whatever tricks they have up their sleeves) we BS' can say " I'll never forgive myself if I don't try to rebuild" " "In my case, 29 years is a lifetime to throw away" yadda yadda yadda, bottom line........don't feel sorry for them,
don't get sucked in, ( did they feel sorry for us when we were in agony and they were in feelgood land?) wait till you're 100% sure of which way you will turn. Time is on your side......as for NC, in my case now, the more I find out, the more informative I become, and I need to have this to fill in some of the pieces to the puzzle, when I am absolutely sure ( actually that is a joke in itself because of all the lies and deceit) ) or close to it that he is moving that mountain, then if I still believe the M will work, I will try. There isn't any rush for me as long as I use my head and my health doesn't suffer...you do sound strong, and only you can make your choice, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I am so grateful to have come so far in my personal recovery thanks to all of you and that he is gone for two weeks....my H is not willing yet to be 100% committed, ( committed -yes ...to the marriage -no )the pride is too strong and he needs professional help. The OW is supposed to be gone from the office and out of his life during the time he's away. ( passive-agressive manuever here, Sol) Who knows what will happen, personally, I hope I win the lottery and take off on a world tour....at least a ride on a cruise ship will be better than the rollercoaster......would love to take all of you with me...and Sol, I tried again, it's being blocked on your end by some program you have. Take care, have a good evening. L.C.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 6:27pm

ceejayzee...I got your email about the dancer's poem...I don't understand what the problem could be. I'm at work, I have a meeting ugh...


Please excuse the thread jack Summer.


Solazzo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 1:09pm

No problem Solazzo. Lol. So I spoke to him again yesterday, and he said yeah I want to try to make things work... I just actually have to do it. Yeah I've heard that before. Whether or not the sun, moon and stars will align just right to get his attention I don't know. And maybe

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