so far, so good

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
so far, so good
6
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:12pm

Happy New Year Everybody!!!

Well, since I have been asked, here's my update:

It has been a little over one month since we officially started rebuilding and he ended things with OW. I recognize that we are still in a "honeymoon" type stage, but things really are going better than I would have imagined at this point.

The holidays were great! My parents visited us and my husband actually stated that he was really looking forward to seeing them (they have always gotten along really well). It was just like old times. H has been very concerned about whether our "old" best friends would take him back, but they spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with us (at their request!) so I think that we can work things out with them. After Christmas, we went away (just the two of us!) to a small B&B. We really enjoyed this time... there were no distractions (our cell phones barely worked and wireless internet was about impossible, so no email)... it was just US and it was perfect!

H truly is doing all the right things. He is open and honest. He let's me know when he and OW have even come close to encountering each other at work. The fact that they both still work at the same company is something that we are discussing. He really loves his job and he's great at it, but if she isn't going to quit and move, we are really going to have to talk about our next step. I just don't trust her to leave him alone in the long run. I'm afraid that once she get's her tail out from between her legs (I could make a nasty comment but I won't), she will try to get him back (that's just the kind of person that she is... although H still doesn't see that side of her, but I understand that it is still hard for him to see her as the coniving little h@ she is and likely, always will be... ok, I'm done... thx).

Anyway, like I said Christmas was fantastic. We exchanged new wedding rings. He was really excited about his which meant the world to me. He even showed it off to his assistant the first day back at work (this went along way with me since so much of his affair revolved around the workplace. Any time he talks about us being happily married with people at work, it really touches me).

The problems that currently exist seem to be mostly on my end, but I think they are mostly normal (and IC agrees). I still have a bit of a problem if I can't get in touch with him, if he's a minute or two late getting home, etc. (although he calls if he'll be late and pretty much immediately returns any of my messages). I also am very concerned about his relationship with his parents and how this may or may not affect us. He has always been very close to them and they have always "disliked" me. Of course, they loved SH. Since he ended things with OW, they have seemed almost mad at him. I am concerned that he will start to resent me for their anger and have second thoughts about his choice to be with me. I'm pretty sure this is unfounded on my part, so I'm trying to work through it.

We are in the process of trying to find a MC. We both feel that going once a month would be very helpful (my IC agrees that it doesn't sound like we need to go more often at this point). It would be nice to have that neutral third party to bounce things off of.

We talk about the future often and have made some plans for a small trip in March and we will start planning a larger trip in the fall soon(for our 10th). Planning for the future keeps me hopeful as this was something he would never do during the A.

I am blissfully happy!!! H truly seems happy again (he never seemed this way while the A was going on). Sometimes, I can't believe any of this happened. Sometimes is seems like it was so far away and it was all just a dream. I let myself indulge in that feeling for a few seconds, but then I bring myself back to reality. It was real. It did happen. It was the most horrible event I can ever imagine going through. I won't allow myself to forget what it felt like because I cherish the present so much more because of it. I cherish my happiness and H's happiness more. I cherish my marriage more. My husband means the world to me. He always did, but I'm making sure he knows it now!!!

bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
In reply to: bbalm1974
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:36pm

Bbalm, I'm so happy to hear things are going well. Its odd to see that something so damaging as a A can bring such joy and closeness in your M. Of course, its not the A that does it, its all the work put in by you and your H. You should be proud to not only survive, but to be thriving.

I know how you feel if your H doesn't answer right away or comes home a little late. I used to feel immediate panic. I tried to talk myself out of it with rational thinking, but I couldn't. That feeling has gone away for the most part. I'm glad my H had the patience and understanding to let this feeling run its course.

hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
In reply to: bbalm1974
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 4:27pm

<<<>>>

Ahhhh...memories! I have to admit that even after a year, I still find myself once in awhile feeling anxious if he is running late or doesn't answer his cell. In the early days after Dday I used to have to call my best friend (the only one I confided in about the EA) and have her talk me off the ledge! I'd be so tied up in knots if he was late or didn't return a message immediately. It's so hard to believe I could get that panicky over something that never phased me much before!

I'm so glad to hear though that things between you and your H are going so well. I'm thrilled for you! Glad you have some traveling plans for the future! Getting away is so relaxing. We have a weekend trip planned for the 27th and a 10 vacation to FL for May. Can't wait!

Keep in touch and keep us posted!

Hugs,
Victoria

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
In reply to: bbalm1974
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 9:14pm

Sometimes I will admit I am jealous of you ladies who don't have little ones. REbuilding is so time consuming I read in one book that it can require a couple 15hrs a week of personal time to communicate and get thru their hardship. Whew!! Unfortunately our getaway as always will be at the end of the month with our children. And again in may with our beautiful children. My husband did ask me to do a B&B with him sometime next month. But we will see with all the chaos we had lots of babysitters and am starting to feel like it's back to real life where babysitters for getaways are a privilage;). But we will getaway.

Glad to read your ups bbalm it puts a smile on my face to read the "ups". And a smile in my heart. Have you ever heard that song "we belong together" with Mariah Carey??? My husband bought me the CD for Xmas and today I put the song on and it was so nice to dance, I have to say it's my fondest memories of "us" is we love to dance and we would do it all the time with or without the kids in the living room. Best wishes and please keep me updated.. .Hugs, tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
In reply to: bbalm1974
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 8:47am

Tea,

I know what you mean about having little ones. There were many years when our lives were governed by our 4 kids. I honestly think it was those years when we put the kids first above all else that created the great divide between us and what caused us to lose touch with one another and for there to be an US...KWIM? We didn't remember that we needed to nourish our relationship as much as we needed to be good parents. Good partners makes for better parents.

Of course I had read all the books, magazines and newspaper articles over the years about maintaining the marital relationship and off and on over the years we did have date nights and occassional time for ourselves but we never made it the priority that it should've been.

Then one day the kids were gone and there was no one left but us. An us who didn't have a clue who the other had become and what the other wanted and needed. We had long ago stopped communicating about anything other than the kids and what was going on in their lives. We didn't discuss our hopes and dreams anymore. We had long forgotten how to get out and enjoy each other and have conversations that didn't center around our children.

I'm really grateful that we're getting that chance to reconnect now. I only wish we had never stopped making us a priority. We would've been better for it.

VLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: bbalm1974
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:09am
So glad for the update...fantastic. Keep up the great attitude!

Solazzo


Solazzo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
In reply to: bbalm1974
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:40am
VLB, I can relate to what you're saying. As much as we love our son and have enjoyed every minute spent with him, my H & I are starting to reconnect again after his A and it's nice for us to feel like we're a couple again, not just parents. My H & I didn't really realize how little we were communicating about our specific needs until the A happened. Of course I'm not glad the A happened, but we've had some positive results come out of the emotional fallout from it. I guess our marriage was kind of on cruise control for awhile and we both thought things were just fine, but this was an eye opener for us and we realize that we both have to make an effort to let each other know exactly what we need in the marriage. I, too, feel bad for the time my H & I lost due to our lack of communication. Things are definitely looking better though and I think my H has come out of this experience with more insight into my emotional needs, which weren't being met prior to the A. I learned how much I love him and how I can be more supportive of his needs too. Here's to better days ahead for all of us.