so scared, so sad
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|Thu, 04-23-2009 - 2:24pm|
I have been "rebuilding" for nearly two years now, but I don't feel that much progress has been made. I think about leaving very frequently.
I am still angry (or possibly angry again) at the circumstances surrounding the affair. It began when I was in the States and my husband returned to Germany in advance of my two young sons and me. He started an affair with the secretary at his company. (How original!!!) He continued after I got back home two weeks later. That period was one of the most miserable of my life, even before I found out what he was doing, because I was devastatingly homesick and was questioning being in Germany at all, even before I discovered his not-so-well-kept secret.
It's nearly two years, and I am still angry that he could callously ignore what I was experiencing and even injure me further during that period. I can't get past the thought that if this person really loved me, they would not have been able to go through with the affair.
Last week, a couple very close to me visited. I was happy to see how much they love each other, but also sad because I don't think my husband ever loved me that way. They've been together for YEARS, but were still joking and flirting together. I love these people and I am happy for what they have. At the same time, I caught myself thinking, I haven't met a guy that good. Maybe not ever.
I am afraid that if I leave, and I would take my sons, that I would hurt them emotionally and intellectually, by taking them from their father and taking them to a place where it would be much more difficult for us to make it - I have been mainly staying at home with my sons for five years. But at the same time, I don't know whether there is anything salvageable in this matrimonial mess. I don't know what's more damaging.
At the time I found out, I said, I will not let this little slutcretary destroy my family. That, and I thought, you don't just throw people away in a family. But that isn't what I did; it's what he did, and I am tired of paying for it with my heart in this cold, cold place.
Thank you for reading my thoughts. I don't have too many people I can talk to so thanks for letting me share with you.