Somebody kick me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Somebody kick me....
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 5:04pm
So Sunday dh and I had an emotional roller coaster ride. Yesterday he came to see the kids and we had a really great interaction. Talking, laughing just being genuinely nice to one another. Which led to a great deal of sexual tension. Which led to a great deal of sex.
I know, I know! I am an idiot. My therapist already gave me 40 lashes today. It didn't amount to anything though. I wasn't expecting an instant 180 on his part or mine for that matter. It was just sex. An area of our marriage that we never had any problems in. BUT afterwards he acted really weird. Like he had just cheated on his wife or something. He was all apologetic and jumped up and took a shower, got dressed and then kept asking me if I was going to be okay, and he was sorry and that from now on we would follow our rules of engagement where sex was concerned. Dinner and a date and over night a must. Now I have also added he must show me a negative STD/AIDS report and cell phone records proving he has not had contact with her, at least with the cell.
Then it dawned on me. This man can't even commit to saving our marriage and I am even CONSIDERING having sex with him again??? What in the hell is wrong with me?
I am not angry with him, I am angry with myself. Where is my self esteem?? Where is my dignity? Why would I put myself in this position???
Please tell me that this is a common mistake in these situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 6:53pm

You have no idea just how common honey! During our separation my husband and I had better sex than we did when we were together. I was so drawn to him even after all the hurt and anger and worse yet, I was physically aching for him! A feeling I had never felt before in my life! The first time it happened I was like you - upset, confused more than ever, hurt all over again! Then after about the third time I just decided to start enjoying it because it was too good to say no to and well, let's face it, as adults we all have needs...:-) At least I do!

Anyway, I think you will be surprised at how many have gone through the same thing so take a deep breath, exhale, and go have a nice cup of hot tea...:-) Now, if emotionally you feel like it's complicating things or making the separation harder on you then you definitely need to take a step back and set boundaries for yourself and him as well.

Hope this helps...


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:00am

Yes, it is very common. The fact is that he's still your H. You can't just turn your feelings for him off like a water spout. They're still going to be there no matter how hard this is and no matter how much hurt you're going through. So stop kicking yourself and know that you're only human. I think we've all probably done it at some point in the rebuilding/separation when we shouldn't have. Just vow to start from today and not have sex with him again until you get to a point where he's truly recommitted to your M and it's appropriate.

I wish you the best!

By the way, I don't think it's a self-esteem issue at all so don't be down on yourself and look at it that way. Again, you have deep feelings for your H, and God only knows that this is a very emotionally turbulent time. Those feelings are going to come bubbling to the surface and for most of us, they manifest themselves in sex, plain and simple. So stop kicking yourself. Your self-esteem is just fine! :)

Edited 4/5/2006 10:03 am ET by pinkgirlms
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:15am

I would say that it is a common mistake. Part of us wants so desperately for our life to go back to the way it was. Sometimes we let our emotions and feelings get drawn into the "feel-good" zone and we temporarily forget about all the angry words and negative actions of our partner.

The problem with sex is that men react far differently to it then women. Women, by the time they are 30, are well aware that sex is just a physical act. However, men think sex is equivalent to intimacy, acceptance or friendship. I can't count the number of times where I would have an arguement with a man, then have sex, and the man thinks we are instantly back on track. It doesn't work that way.

Forgive yourself, but it may be time to turn off the intimacy, the cuddling and the sex until your husband can show through his actions that he is back on track.

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:18am

Yikes, I never did, but I desired him a great, great deal. In fact I let him know it was an option - he!! I even asked one night. This was before it was completely over with the OW. It was my H, who was in bipolar mania = hypersexual, who held strong !!! He wanted to & would even cry about it. But until he could commit 100% to me he wouldn't. In fact, when he started to waiver about coming home he stopped all physical contact with the OW too. Didn't want to 'cheat' on either one of us. One night we finally did (after OW was gone) & the next day H started to move his items back into our house.


In a book or article I read regarding seperation it actually stated to NOT keep sex back. To engage as it is an important part to your marriage and any physical contact could help pull you closer together again (but to only engage if you're strong enough and not expecting results). Now I don't think this article was in regards to seperation due to an A ... but really, what is the difference? I believe the difference is how you portray yourself afterwards & the situation. You said you beleived this to be 'just sex,' now I don't believe it was just sex, but I think your attitude is in the right place. You are not being too hopeful or expecting immediate results.

Oh, BTW, while my father was in his A, my mom's church leaders actually told her & reminded her to not hold back.

So, I'm not going to kick you, sorry.


"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng