Something that bothers me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Something that bothers me
17
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 10:01am

xOW looks completely different than me. Where I am blond, blue eyes, and light skinned (your run of the mill Arian) she is brown, brown hair, brown eyes, and darker skin. She is as much American Indian as I am, but she looks like it where I look more like my German and British ancestors. Really, at first glance she could be one of several ethnicities. She is taller than me and younger than me by about 15 years.

Now, when I see a woman who looks like her, I immediately don't like that woman and I have to look twice to make sure it isn't her. It doesn't help that her hair style is common, so many women look like her at first glance. It is totally unfair of me and I don't know how to stop it. I think it will go away as after DH divorced his Asian xW, he had an immediate dislike for all things Asian and a distrust of all Asian woman that faded over time.

I think this has been exacerbated because I have to see xOW on a regular basis because of our jobs, she has been in my space on personal business quite a bit lately and this will last through the semester. So, I don't know when or if I will see her. She hasn't caused any problems, has totally respected my space, and has not tried to contact DH, so this is totally in my head.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 11:28am
I'll bet that isn't uncommon, and will probably fade with time.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 1:19pm
Several of us have talked about this kind of thing here.

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 3:44pm

"Now, when I see a woman who looks like her, I immediately don't like that woman and I have to look twice to make sure it isn't her."

I deal with a whole host of things like this. (Ok, this is going to be a little weird for me to actually use one of their names on this list, but it's sort of a really big dilemma for me.) The high school boyfriend is named Harley and he took my spouse on a Harley Motorcycle ride around out town. On that ride they stopped and looked at a home we were seriously looking at. The day before she asked for the divorce and the day after the "ride," she asked me in front of the kids if I still thought about buying a motorcycle.
That's why this spring, for helping her through school, (and to partially make up for the "ride.") she bought me a 2007, titanium colored, "HONDA" VTX 1300 retro. A bike I tenderly love almost as much as my own children and which brings me a great deal of happiness.

The new dilemma for me is that folks see my riding gear and ask me if I own a Harley. Involuntarily the corner of my eye begins to twitch.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.




Edited 10/6/2009 3:53 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 11:04pm

Wow, Pamme.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 12:01am
Oh, you just hit a nerve!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 12:24am

"DH seems indifferent to her now, why can't I???"


Maybe because he was in control of what happened, and you (we) weren't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 10-09-2009 - 9:27am

Pamme,


I am only an occasional lurker now and I want to assure you that your reaction is pretty normal.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 10-09-2009 - 9:56pm

"I think that anyone who has to deal with the former OW on a regular basis has things much harder than those of us who don't. "

Yeah, I would have to agree. My one solace for a very long time was that my spouse swore up and down that the men never came to our home and that the main guy didn't know where we lived and he was an hour and a half away. Four months later, his divorce came through and his X moved up just north of us. So he moved up here. I just about went postal!

My spouse was asleep when her girlfriend called to warn us so I took the call. I woke up my spouse and told her the news and we both just sat there holding hands and began to cry together. I called him that weekend to find out WTF? He told me about his spouse taking the kids north and that he had to transfer north and take a shtt job on Death Row so he could be close to his kids.

I have to drive past that prison every day. That's bad enough. I can't imagine the potential of bumping into him at any time. That would eat me up. I won't even have a face book page. I just don't want to bump into him. (oh, one of the men must have sent an invitation to his face book to his whole email list forgetting that I was on there. I wrote back and all I said was. "Are You Serious??"

Ugh!

But yeah, I have to agree with J. It's not about her, It's about your spouse. Work things out there and the triggers will fade.

Pamm I had a great week with my spouse, we problem solved together. We had to face a really stressful meeting together with out builder and we were a team in there. And we kicked but. And I was so proud of myself and she backed me, and I backed her and the guy caved and we got big discounts on stuff we wanted. It was huge for us to act like that way together. The man commented that we were a really great couple.

And the MEN have not been at the forefront of my head this week.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sun, 10-11-2009 - 1:11pm

i thought i was the only woman who did that. my husband sought after women who were large, big butts, - i, like you find myself getting almost flush when i see one in a store. i know it is wrong of me, and am trying very hard to stop it.

thank you for posting, i thought i was crazy and loosing my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 9:38am

This is such a difficult thing to deal with.

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