Sorry, just need to vent for a sec

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sorry, just need to vent for a sec
8
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 2:17pm

Yesterday was my ds 9th bithday. DH is upsett at his parents because they forgot his birhtday AGAIN (they forgot last year too). He is all bothered by the way they favor his sisters kids but not our, which I completely agree with. What is upsetting me right now is that he is saying how he is trying to do everything he can for his family and and take care of us and and it is so unfair for them to treat the boys this way yada, yadda, yadda yet HE was the bast!&!$% who last year at the time of his own sons 5th birhtday started screwing his whore!!!! Gee, don't you think maybe THAT wasn't fair to his sons or his family?!?!? He didn't care enough about his own kids last year not to do something to alter their lives forever but his parents are the evil ones for forgetting! Don't get me wrong, it is REALLY bugging my the way the IL's treat my boys, but I am also upsett at the wat DH treated them and disregard them and theirhappiness and their futures in the past.

AARRGGGGG!!! Just had to get that off my chest so I do yell at DH about it and drudge up past hurts and ruin our weekend.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:48pm

Yikes that's some trigger you've got there.

Hugs, Jade 

Growth is an erratic forward movement:  two steps forward, one step back.  Remember

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 7:18am

Kim, I know how you feel! Nothing gets me madder then my h gets on his high horse about "other people". I get just as angry! I have said to him a number of times "How dear you sit in judgement when you have hurt your family with out so much as a second thought!" I think they forget where they were and what they did. They don't think before they speak! I just like you hate to have a trigger like this ruin a other wise nice time. I just can't help but get angry. I talked with our mc about it and she said that when I feel this way I need to do as Jade said take a step back. This comment or what ever is not about us or our marriage. That in away it is not so much judgment from my H as it is him seeing the other side of the coin. As an outsider or the one being wronged it is much easier for him to see then for him to look inside himself. She said I should once I am feeling less angry talk to him about my feelings. Give him a small example of the flip side of that coin in the context of our marriage. This helps him learn and helps us heal... I am not sure about all that yet! It still just seems to make me ANGRY!!

I hope the rest of your weekend went well. Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:30am

Not to get off track but this is sort of a trend I am picking up with middle aged males these days.....everyone else is a worthless idiot except them, they are perfect and more than happy to point out everyone else's short comings.

Tell your husband that you appreciate everything your IL's do for your kids, whatever it is.

(Really, grandparents really aren't obligated to shell out one red cent)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:33am

Thanks Jade. I did ok with going through the day and trying to shake it off but unfortunantly last night we got into it a bit and was was NOT as clam as I should have been. I am really, really working at not exploding on him when I have those strong emotions weling up in me because I know it does more harm than good. He is trying NOW and focusing on NOW and our future and I want to do the same. It is just easier for him I guess and it takes MUCH more effort on my part.

Thanks for your thoughts.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:36am

<> Good point and that is probably more of what it is. I just have to learn to control my anger and hurt when it wells up in me or find some where else to displace it instead of at him.

Thanks





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:44am

Actually Dh is very willing to point out his short comings and admit that things he has done are completely wrong and what an a$$ he was. I realize he is trying to change things in himslef to be a better man and husband and father than he has ever been. Its because of this that I feel bad getting SO angry at him at times over stuff like this. I just get triggered by things and can't seem to pull back fast enough to kep from ripping into him. Those are my issues though that I am working though.

<> I never said they were! All I wanted was an acknowledgemnt from his grandparents in the form of a phone call or something. I do NOT expect them in any way to have to give my children things. The frustration and anger from my dh and I comes from the fact that for years they have LAVISHED attention, gifts, help, and support on dh's sisters family and their children yet we can not get them to call or email and simple Happy Birthday to our boys. I personally don't feel that is too much to expect.





iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:55pm
Really, let it go regarding the grandparents. If they want to lavish the daughter's children so be it. You might not know the whole story. The SIL might be having a tough time, or she might be conversing with her mother on a daily basis so there is more of a connection.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:32am

I have the same problem with my inlaw (his father has passed away). In addition, my father's mother (yes my Grandmother), played the same game. Seems she disliked my mother and her way of displaying this was to lavish gifts, atttention, acknowledgement to my cousins (always making sure my brother and I were present to witness her cruelty).

Unfortunately, the people who treat others this way are very selfish, petty people and they will never change. Dwelling on the wrongs only hurt you and your children. The best thing I've discovered was try to not make it so important. This alone discredits the
importance of these grandparents in your and your children's lives. My mother-in-law lives a very loney, empty life. The daughter's children she lavished presents and attention on hate her, once she spent all her money on lavish presents and trips and has no more she has become "selfish" and demanding in their eyes.

My children see things as they are. They have no real attachment to her, she never wanted to spend any time with them, and realize she did what she did because she thought this would make my sister-in-laws children attached to her and that she would have someone to love her and be important to. My children understand that material things don't buy love and that it cheapens any relationship to think it does. They see it as the desparte hope for love it was, and have forgiven her. But since they have no connection with her, she isn't part of their lives. They have pity on her as they would anyone who is lonely and unloved. They are kind to her and if she asks for something they do their best to do (get) it, but they don't have the one thing she has always carved and that is to be important to someone enough to be part of their family.

Hopefully I haven't rambled too much and gone off track - if so I apolize. Just my 2 cents worth. (Boy! talk about bottled up emotions - I didn't realize what an issue this has been in my life.)