Spouse's sister's husband' s affair.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Spouse's sister's husband' s affair.
6
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 12:54am

Yeah, my spouses little sister is really wild. She and her de-facto husband of almost ten years and father of her three kids invited a woman to live with them. Little sister thought they were just helping her.

Little sister and spouse would sometimes go swinging. Sometimes she would have sex with other women. But because they did it together, she/he felt ok about it. It was with permission.

Well, her spouse began an affair with the house guest without telling little sister. My souse supposed that because of the openly sexual relationship that it wouldn't be as painful to little sister. WRONG!

Little sister is absolutely devastated. It's the same story we hear here. He's in the affair bubble and won't let the other woman go. He says he want's both women. But little sister said no and moved out.

Little sister is saying all the things about how the affair is affecting her that I said to my spouse over the past year. And the spouse is saying all the things that my spouse has been saying to me. "Just get over it" for example and saying essentially that it's little sister's fault.

My spouse called and talked "at" me for almost an hour today about it. (I didn't need a lunch anyway.) My spouse is really on a roll right now in figuring me out. The cool thing is that she's telling little sister all the things about taking care of herself and giving her really good advice.

My spouse is really walking around in my shoes as of late. She's been really self reflective about the affairs and actually saying it out loud to me which is so very healing for me. I've been able to tell her some of the things that the men said to me for the first time and I guess that sort of sets her back on her heals a bit also. Poor girl. She keeps forgetting that I've had conversations with them about her. And she doesn't really know how those went. I suppose that would be frightening in itself.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Gheesh! That's real messed up thinking going on there. If I were you I would limit my kids exposure to these people. This sister is a space cadet and I wouldn't want any of it rubbing off on
.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

Yeah,

Little sister got STDs many years ago. I think my in-laws just abandoned those last two kids. What a disaster. And my spouse use to laugh about how progressive, sexy and cute her little sister's lifestyle was. Ugh!!

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009

pater,


I am so sorry for your SIL... though the wild bit is sort of extreme in my eyes, I DO understand how an A is so different from anything that was 'okay' in the relationship between H/W, or BF/GF.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

"Like, "well... DUH! - why did you ever look at it differently from that??!!" "

Yeah, I said that for months and months. But at some point I realized that our whole marriage we have been looking at the world with very different eyes. Shockingly so. Now that "I" know we are talking past each other. I find it cool when the gears finally fit together and I get what she's saying and visa verse. We have been together for 20 years and it occurred to me we don't really know each other in a lot of ways. I'm studying her now and I'm finding her to be sort of interesting and fun. She likes to joke around during serious stuff. It use to bug the hell out of me. But I'm standing back now and watching her do it and try and appreciate this quirk rather than letting it under my skin. All that sort of thing. I guess I took this from the 180. "Listen, then listen some more."

This girl isn't evil. She just got lost.

So anytime the lights go on for both of us. I'm just reeeaaaally happy.

I do have to say that there was this day when I could see my spouse emerging from the fog and I remember starting to cry and saying. "Hi baby, I've missed you."

"Why haven't you had those conversations yet?" Because she wasn't ready to hear them. Nor was she ready to face the fact that I know about some of what they talked about and it's really awful stuff.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009

Some things seem workable or maybe even appealing in the abstract but you just know they don't work.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Oh, same page here!!!