Still new to this. Is it normal to feel this way

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012
Still new to this. Is it normal to feel this way
2
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 12:26am
Hi everybody. I just stumbled on this site and feel like I have nobody to talk to that would understand. So I thought I would write me thoughts on here. My husband confessed to cheating on me about 6 months ago. He started working with a girl he had known for a few years-casually. We were not communicating very much and I noticed that they were texting back and forth- much of it he was hiding. I confronted him and said that I thought he was being too friendly. He defended the friendship. A few days after this he went out of town on a training trip and slept with her there. He came back and confessed it to me as soon as he came back. But he also came back to tell me he thought he had feelings for her and didn't think we could ever get past his cheating. I was distraught and begged him to think of his family and me. He told me he needed time to think. He then went and talked to her to see how she felt! When I found this out I kicked him out. He left the house for about a week and in this week he continued to see her. He would take her out to eat , hang out with her and continued a sexual relationship. After a week of being out of the house he came back and broke down. He said he didn't know what he was doing. That night he broke it off and we have been going to counseling and we are much more open and honest about our feelings. I know that he is regretful and that he thinks he made a huge mistake. He shows me everyday that he loves me and wants to be with me. He does not communicate with her and he says that he knows now that the feelings he thought he had were all bread out of sleeping with her. He never thought he would ever cheat in me and when he did he thought it had to mean something. This is what lead to all of his decisions that followed while out of the house. I know he is sorry and that this was out of character for him. But I still feel so Angry. Knowing that they shared that intimate time together and that he was interested in someone else other than me. Does this get better? I think about it all the time and it hurts me so much. I just can't believe he bacame that horrible selfish person. He wants to show me he can be the man he married and he is doing everything but a part of me still hates him. Is this normal? I want to grow old with him. He has always been a good man. Husband and father. I am just in shock and still don't understand....Thank you for listening and any advise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

The main thing here is that he seems very remorseful and sounds like he is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this. And it's a good thing that he self confessed because it shows you he has a real conscience. That is highly unlikely that a man would self confess out of guilt and you do have to give him a lot of credit for that because I'd say only 1% of men would do that. The other 99% just get caught and deny it until you shove the proof in their face. That does say a lot for his honesty, even though ther is NO EXCUSE for what he's done. I would also suggest marriage counseling, but it sounds like you are already doing that together. And I do think it's a real good sign that it only took him a week of being with her before he missed you and figured out that the grass isn't any greener in her back yard (mine came running back after 2 weeks of living with the OW) The thing is this betrayal is only 6 months old, and it is going to take a long time to get over this. Most women don't start to really feel any better about this until at least the 2 year mark or even longer. So my best advice would be to give it much more time and continue going to counseling. Also very important is that he must now be an open book to you, meaning complete access to his cell phone, e mail accounts, computer etc. Absolutely NO locking or password protecting anything from you. This will get better if he continues to be remorseful, has agreed to go no contact with her and is completely transparent. He sounds like a good guy who is very remorseful he made a horrible error in judgement and really learned a lesson. The ball is in your court as to whether you have it in your heart to fogive him and move on or not. I'd give it at least a year and see how you feel then. And yes, the anger (the part of you that hates him) IS normal. GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012
Hi peaceyma. Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I know that he should get credit for confessing right away. But I almost feel like he did as a way out. Because as soon as he told me, he expected for me to kick him and out. And he said that he had feelings for her and always wondered what it would be like (he was VERY honest). I know he was honest because he felt guilty but I also think its because he thought he could then go and start that relationship. His head and heart did not seem to be here anymore. So I kicked him out and as soon as he was out of the house he started a relationship with her. I think his head was in the clouds. He says now that the only reason he was with her was because he felt that if he cheated and was willing to leave his family then it must mean that's where he wanted me. But in that time he was out of the house he felt alone and dispair and that being with his was the worst decision he ever made but he felt that was what he needed to do. I understand but I don't as I don't see how anybody could be so selfish. He tells me all the time he wishes he could take it back but he can't. He says the worst mistake is deciding for US that it was over and that there was no way we could ever get past this And that this was not his choice. It was OUR choice. When he came back he broke down and said he didn't understand why he was doing what he was doing. Since then he has been trying to be a better man and husband. He has been truthful about what happened other than leaving some details out that I have recently found out ( that he took her out in public and that his relationship with her was sexual after he left the house). He says he didn't tell me because he felt those details would just hurt me more and all he wanted was his family back. I do see that he loves me and other women who this has not happened to wonder why I stayed. They all were in shock to find this out as nobody ever thought he was capable because he always seemed like a great husband and that he truly loved me. But unless it's happened to you I don't think anyone really understands. It's not that black and white. I just thought I would put my feelings out there. Thanks for listening :)