Still waiting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Still waiting
10
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 2:54pm
I have long lurked, but now comes the time to no longer lurk and seek wisdom. I have been waiting for the truth to that universal question of "why?" for longer than I care to admit. From your collective wisdom, is it possible to fully recover, heal, and rebuild if my husband is resistant to talking, other than "I made a mistake, people make mistakes.". Guess I should point out he made numerous mistakes, not all sexual if he is to be believed, all with women at least 8 years younger, even going so far as younger than our children. I know, I know...ewwwww! Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 8:57am

NO

Rebuilding takes alot of effort from both parties

if he is not showing remorse, regret and willingness to talk - go to counseling, do whatever you need to be comfortable in the marriage he is not going to change

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 10:25am

Thank you goddess_w for your response. The hardest part is intellectually I know this to be true...he won't change. But my heart wishes so much it were different. I love this man truly, and appreciate the man he used to be, not the man he has become. For so long I have focused on this that I've lost sight of myself. At this point, I think the best option for me is to concentrate on my needs and realize my dreams and hopes for our marriage were not so bad after all. I adhere to the marriage vows we made, and believe in them with all my heart. But, the question remains, does it really ever get any easier? I've been dealing with this since discovering a text from another woman 3 years ago. It does get old, doesn't it??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 2:36pm

Marynell,

First of all huge HUGS. I am so sorry that your heart has been broken. Read and gain strength. Take care of yourself. You are going to be ok with or without him. Believe that.

First of all don't let him con you with the lines about it being a mistake. They have a handbook they follow. They all say these corny lines.

It was not a mistake. He should not get to call it that. He is minimizing what he did. It was a choice. He had other options but choose this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 3:53pm

fivediamondwife, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I've printed your response and will carry it with me the rest of the day to help ease my pain. Today is almost like a new a birthday for me, it has become the day to reclaim myself. If I have to be alone - although that is not why I married this man - then I will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 4:24pm

it does get old, you should not have to deal with this

don't take you marriage vows too far (staying for life with a spouse that has no respect for you)

he will not change, if you do not demand it and even then he still may not

stop the cycle of disrespect he could be putting your quality of life on the line (std's)

thou shall not bear false witness

if he can not talk and be honest with you and treat you with respect what kind of marriage is it anyhow? it is one sided and not what you wanted in the first place

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 4:52pm

There have been no other women since D Day, and I was tested at that time, so OK on that point. He is using my anger as means to turn the issue, and I admit I have been very angry off and on. You are right, it may not work, but as I read on another post, my love is unconditional, the marriage is not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 10:36pm

His words are BS and he knows it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 6:18am

I have read very positive things from others, but I don't have a very positive response for you. After 4 years I am still struggling with all the basics. Why? How could he do this behind my back? How could I have not seen it?

In my case too there were numerous indescretions. From ONS to PA to EA. I think it is harder when there are so many incidents to deal with. For me part of it is that there are so many triggers, but a large part of it is just believing that after so much if could just stop. What is to stop just one more thing from happening, and one more after that, etc.

My H has assured me he has changed and that the shock of discovery was enough to make him stop. I am still working to really believe that.

It helps that my H was willing to talk for awhile: although he is pretty much done with that and sick of it and ready to move on. I don't know what to do if your H is not willing to talk about it and give you any insight he can.

Thanks for posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 12:33pm

Powerful stuff there, and that's no surprise.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 12:42pm

Ah, you're beating up on yourself, and for no reason.