Stuck in a rutt

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2011
Stuck in a rutt
Fri, 06-24-2011 - 3:23am

DH's affair was 3 years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Fri, 06-24-2011 - 4:01am
Hugs to you. I sounds like you know what you need to do. I too am afraid that since my H tries very hard to do what is right now that I kind of have to quit beating him up. But I am also afraid that I am letting it go too quickly. Mainly out of fear that I create vulnerability on my part.

Good luck with your next conversation with him. Since he seems so regretful, I hope it will go well for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 06-24-2011 - 4:11pm
I would tell him exactly what you said here. That you realized you had to stop "beating him upover it" so that when those emotions and flashbacks came, you buried them and didn't talk to him about it because you didn't want to hurt HIM. But now those buried emotions are causing you problems and that you need to talk with him when that happens and express those feelings but that you want him to know that you are not 'beating him up again' or making him pay for it all over again.

You've got to express those feelings and get everything out in the open or you really haven't moved on. The wound has just scarred over but hasn't really healed underneath. You said it yourself : If you "Let it go" too soon, without finishing processing everything, you can get stuck in nevernever land and find yourself completely isolated and your marriage a farce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 5:52am

I too feel stuck.

D-day was nearly 4 years ago for me. It seems ridiculous that I'm still having many of the same issues. I think some of it was the way I found out about everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 8:30pm
Hi, I am feeling just like you and Redballoon, stuck stuck! It's been over 3 years and my H thinks I'm all fine over it. Our therapist back then told my H too make sure to not cause anymore damage and now I know why. He, of course didn't listen to that advise in the first few months and I am feeling like I am now stuck forever unless I leave him.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you are not alone...I think there are many of us here who are forever changed and will always have that defensive guard up as long as we stay with the man who we "thought" we knew.

Let us know how things go.......hugs to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 11:43pm

Why is he looking at the OW Facebook profile?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 6:42am

if i were you i would show your H this letter you wrote.