Stuggling on if I should tell her husband!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Stuggling on if I should tell her husband!!!
19
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 11:07am

Hi everyone, I am really struggling today and need some advice. I don't want to go through my whole story again, so I will make it short and sweet. My H cheated on me while he was on a boys trip with his brother and friends. The cheating consisted of him meeting the OW in a bar that night she ended up driving him back to where

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 11:33am
Le- I think it is natural for us to want the OW to feel 10x the pain that we have experienced. It is natural for us to want to slander them publically, bring shame at their door. If we could only teach them a painful lesson. If we could physically beat them down to somehow feel triumph and vindication. But why? What is our true motivation for that? What do we gain? How would that help me in my own healing process? Truth is, whatever heinous act I wish for her will fall short of the mark and I know this.

I found out about my H affair from XAP spouse. If you truly feel that divulging to the spouse is vital to your recovery, contact her and give her 24 hours to spill because you are going to tell him. Be warned though that she will most likely have you painted as the most crazy person on the planet. As you don't them you don't really know what their situation is really.

I really think that you will just bring more hurt to yourself and you don't deserve that.

In the end, it's your decision and no one else's. This is your recovery. Keep us posted as to what you decide. Goodluck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 12:38pm
If you do I'm sure HE will vehemently DENY it ever happened and it will be your word against his. He will paint you to his wife as some crazy woman who has mental issues or something like that. So unless you have proof that it happened (as in an email or text you can forward to him) who do you think she will she believe, her husband OR some random woman she doesn't even know? I understand how you feel though as I've been faced with a similar situation. This could also backfire and she could panic and tell her H that your H overpowered her and forced her to do this, and her H could come looking for your H. You just don't know how crazy these people are (or not.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 1:21pm

I agree with the other posters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 5:25pm
Hello - New here. Haven't posted my story yet, but my DDay was 5 months ago. I am still struggling about contacting the OW's H as well. It enrages me that she is carrying on with her life and projects, while I am still an emotional mess. The A lasted for about a year (or so I am told). Apparently the OW's H saw a text and became suspicious, but I don't think he got the full story like I did. Anyway, I am still struggling with what to do myself regarding contacting the other BS in this mess. It helps to read this board for advice. In your case though, since it was a one time only thing, and they didn't know each other, I might tend to not tell him and try to put the mess behind you. Good Luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 10:38pm

Thanks everyone for your advice, I just wanted to give you an update. As I stated before I am a logical person and I know that

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 10:44pm
IF the husband happened to be my best friend, brother or someone I cherished, I would tell the woman she's got 3 days to tell him or you will feel like you have to. But otherwise I doubt I'd do anything. He could already know more than you think and tolerate it, he could know period, and as much as he likely deserves to know and deserves better, The truth is it's so difficult to know what goes on behind closed doors, just as others likely don't truly know what goes on behind OUR closed doors, not really. But it's also true you may not know this guy well enough to have a clue what he might do if or when he finds out, again NOT REALLY. Oh yes, we crave the OW in the picture paying somehow, maybe some do and likely many never do, but so many of us who obsess over this issue (myself included in those numbmers) know it's wasted energy. I don't think you really can get revenge in any respectable way that won't make you feel like a total a$$, so what really would be the point? I agree that in the end working hard to get revenge will only make you suffer more than you already are and make it drag out even longer. You don't know how you will feel in hindsight, you might hate yourself for what comes of it. Of course you feel bad for the husband, but you don't really know the dynamics of their marriage, we may think we do but we all have our secrets. I'd say just don't unless the OW ups the ante with your spouse. Your energy is much better spent on your spouse and your marriage and determining what is in your own best interest. So many of us take out our anger on the OW, it just hurts less.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 12:17pm

Ladies, There is a health issue involved here. This OW is meeting random men in bars and having intimate contact whith them. She may have or be carrying all kinds of stds. Not only do you need to protect yourselves but you are morally and ethically bound to inform the OWH so that he can protect himself and his family. It does not matter one whit what your motive for informing is....It is the right thing to do. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 12:50pm

I totally agree with jackson_iv2004.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 1:18pm

Jackson, I agree with you and that was honeslty one of my original thoughts! If a women can know a man for less than a few hours and agree to drive him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 4:39pm

Is her H that dumb?

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