Taking criticism after d-day
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|Sat, 05-23-2009 - 4:18am|
I've never been good at taking criticism. I was a middle child growing up and was always mediating and trying to be good so I didn't get in trouble.
So, now we're 18 months past d-day and trying to work on rebuilding. One of the things my H wants me to work on is being more open and adventurous sexually. This is one of the problems he has always had with our marriage.
I know he's right, and it's actually something I had started to work on a little before d-day, but it's almost like the more he talks about it the less I want to do anything about it.
Right now though, I feel like I'm barely just holding myself together. My self-esteem was shaken to the core - everything I believed about myself and my marriage and my family and my husband was undermined several times during those tumultuous first couple of months. So, as my H brings it up over and over, and as I see his disappointment that I haven't really changed much in that regard (little steps, but admittedly far from what he wants), I feel my self-esteem spiraling down. Ironically a boost in esteem would go a long way in helping me feel I could be more vulnerable and risky in bed.
I'm sure some of this is also because I'm stubborn and like to be in control. And some of it is because it's hard for me to give him what HE wants right now because I'm still angry. Also, some of it is because it's all about sex and his affairs were all about sex.
Whatever the causes are, I feel it's a problem that trumps all right now.
I guess that I feel like he risked losing me for sex over and over and now I want to know that I am more important than sex for him; that he's willing to be patient and let me take baby steps until I get some confidence and trust back and feel I can be vulnerable again.
Thank you as always for your support.