Taking criticism after d-day

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Taking criticism after d-day
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 4:18am

I've never been good at taking criticism. I was a middle child growing up and was always mediating and trying to be good so I didn't get in trouble.

So, now we're 18 months past d-day and trying to work on rebuilding. One of the things my H wants me to work on is being more open and adventurous sexually. This is one of the problems he has always had with our marriage.

I know he's right, and it's actually something I had started to work on a little before d-day, but it's almost like the more he talks about it the less I want to do anything about it.

Right now though, I feel like I'm barely just holding myself together. My self-esteem was shaken to the core - everything I believed about myself and my marriage and my family and my husband was undermined several times during those tumultuous first couple of months. So, as my H brings it up over and over, and as I see his disappointment that I haven't really changed much in that regard (little steps, but admittedly far from what he wants), I feel my self-esteem spiraling down. Ironically a boost in esteem would go a long way in helping me feel I could be more vulnerable and risky in bed.

I'm sure some of this is also because I'm stubborn and like to be in control. And some of it is because it's hard for me to give him what HE wants right now because I'm still angry. Also, some of it is because it's all about sex and his affairs were all about sex.

Whatever the causes are, I feel it's a problem that trumps all right now.

I guess that I feel like he risked losing me for sex over and over and now I want to know that I am more important than sex for him; that he's willing to be patient and let me take baby steps until I get some confidence and trust back and feel I can be vulnerable again.

Thank you as always for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 2:45pm
He's placing FAR too much emphasis just on sex, good grief!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 5:31pm
I don't like the way he bugs you over and over about sex. I understand he wants more adventure in bed and that (within reason) is fine. But yet by the same respect he should not be asking you to do things you are not comfortable doing. We should not be made to feel that we have to perform like a porn star to keep our H happy in bed or else he will go out and cheat with a more adventurous woman. I can always tell if my H has been viewing porn while he's been away on business. It's so obvious it's laughable. Not to change the subject though. Try to be a bit more adventurous but don't do anything your not comfortable doing.

Edited 5/23/2009 5:48 pm ET by peaceyma
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Tue, 05-26-2009 - 7:56am

Red, I have been thinking about you since I saw your post and wish that I had some words of wisdom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 2:37am

Another middle child here who does not like conflict either. Before ddays I just accepted his criticism but that is no longer the case. Husband still gets uneasy when I confront now instead of walking away with tail between legs. It makes me feel so strong now to stand up for myself.

About the sex thing, one thing that you may want to do that is not too hard is to be the one who initiates sex. That is one thing I think that sucks