There are days I just dont know if I can do this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
There are days I just dont know if I can do this...
4
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 11:35am

I posted on the just found out board close to a month ago although I think I posted in the wrong forum. long story short my H & I have been married 11 years BOTH of us cheated but from his came a child,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010

Why not get your tubaligation reversed? I have a friend who did it and they have had a baby. Anyway, I don't know how you've stayed with him this long with the OC. The XOW in our case begged my H to get pg and thank God he at least had enough since to not let it happened. I know I could have never stayed with him if he had a child with that thing. Every time you look at that little baby you will be reminded that she gave him something so precious that you couldn't, and trust me, the XOW will use that baby like a pawn. She's already proven she has no morals and character and will do whatever she can to get what she wants, therefore you know that she is using that baby as a trump card. Women like her have no concern for hurting other ppl as long as they get what they want. Is it possible to move away and not have contact with the child? I know that sounds terrible but your M should come first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
We have considered having IVF which as far as cost its about the same, the problem is im 40 yrs old. I feel like I am to old to have a baby now... my oldest D is 18...We also considered NC with the child but I dont know maybe being a mother myself to a child who has met their father only once in 18 yrs I feel like that would be punishing the child which is so innocent in all this... She didnt ask to be born and certainly not in this situation.

I TRIED so hard to be nice to the XOW for the baby's sake, even though on the inside I was seething and wanted nothing more than to rip off her head.... but I smiled my southern smile to try and make this easy for all of us.... I kept telling myself that this is/was MY karma now returning to bite me in the butt for MY wrongs.... but there are days that the pain is overwhelming and to much to bare.....

Like I said I love my H, I just dont like him sometimes, I dont like what WE have become... and I dont like that MY dream was given to someone else that is going to USE this precious child as a weapon, some people just sees another weapon where most of us see a gift
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010

I don't post on this board because I was a WS and a BS. My DH and I both had affairs and are rebuilding quite nicely but I wanted to reach out to you. I had my last son at the age of 41 via IVF and he is the greatest miracle to us. You are not too old. Why let the XOW hold on to the fact that she gave your DH that you couldn't? Obviously your DH and you love each other because to make it through an A by both parties there has to be a lot of love. Unpretentious love, not the garbage we had with our XAP's (barf). What you and your DH is real and why not celebrate that love with a child that you both share together? So what your daughter's 18, my other son was older when our second son was born also. The longer you wait, the more you will feel at odds with your DH because he produced a child with someone else. Obviously your DH loves you more than ever and the bond that you and him have has brought the two of you through the h*ll of affairs. Don't give up on your dream with him. At least try IVF and talk to your DH about how you feel about him having a child with someone else. The one thing I have learned in this entire A mess is that my passive aggressiveness and keeping feelings built up inside only causes me to act out in different ways. Good luck and God speed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Thank you so much for your reply! I just needed a little spark of hope that it wasnt to late, that I wasnt to old! I do talk to my H about my feelings both good and bad about the other child.... I cant truly say that I love her like I do my own DD's sometimes it is more pity I think... God forgive me for saying that...But I just couldnt imagine growing up and having to learn all that she is going to come to know.... and to be used the way she is going to be, to inflict pain on her own father.... it is just sad....

My H wants us to have a child now, he brings it up all the time and for a while I was leery, maybe in a way I still am.... feeling as though it is now only guilt that makes him want a child with me. There are times when I tell myself who cares what the reason is I WANT a child with my H.... This man that I adore with everything in me.... Who I have hurt and allowed to hurt me but for some reason I just cant seem to walk away from. You are so right I look back on my XAP and I just think WHAT was I thinking????? My H gets ill when he thinks of his XAP and I think alot of what drives him to see his D is the guilt... He told me last night that he wanted to give her a fighting chance and I see his point.... I'm with him 100% no matter the pain.. and now I feel as though you have given me a glimpse into a future I thought couldnt be possible! Thanks again :)