Think he's started another A

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Think he's started another A
6
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 12:52pm

Thought everything was going OK, no contact between H and OW for a few months. Started to get concerned recently when H started making excuses about not wanting to see our counsellor together, now making excuses to not see him at all. H has 'worked late' a few times this week. This evening he received a lot of texts on his phone and answered them straight away. He then went to bed early and when I went into the bedroom he was texting again. Very suspicious I know. I'm waiting for him to fall asleep, then I'll check his phone. If he's deleted everything then he's obviously up to no good. If not I'll check who he's 'chatting' to. I really hate all this subterfuge. He won't get any second chances this time if he is playing around..... I have aged ten years since D Day, I'm not going through all that again.


OK, just checked his phone. All recent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 1:24pm
Did he always delete his messages before the affair? Some people just like to clean out their phone of old texts once in a while. If he is doing it everyday though it may be suspicious. I would check again tonite and see if he is doing it everyday. Keep an eye on it for a while before you say anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 1:31pm

First of all, take very deep breaths and listen to some kind of calming music. I know that's hard. After a D-Day we tend to go a little nuts and become suspicion of everyone especially our H who did this awful deed. His behavior does sound very suspicious but what you have to do is demand that his life be an open book and if he hides anything you need to do the 180 and come up with a plan. In our M, after D-Day I told my H that I wouldn't stand for him hiding ANYTHING ever again and I told him the consequences if he does. I remember when he was involved in his A how he would carry his cell phone in his pocket and when I asked him why he said that he has to be on call. On call, allright - on booty call. Anyway, I think it's time for you to do a little bit more investigative work. Buy a gps and secretly put it in his car, look at your cell phone records for odd phone #s. But more importantly talk to your DH in a calm manner and tell him how insecure his private texting is making you feel. I told my DH that to make me feel comfortable in our M, his cell phone needs to be visible at all times and never turned off. Tell your DH what you need to feel safe again in your M, and if he is sincere with rebuilding your trust he will do anything you need after what he

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 12:27am

No you are not being paranoid as all the red flags are there. I have been through two d-days (same OW). My advice to you is to wait and dont ask anything yet or act like you suspect anything. The reason for this is to give you time to decide what you will do if it is dday#2. Will you ask him to leave? Will you serve him D papers?


In my case I knew I was going to ask him to leave and I had a lot of planning to do before I would confront. Do you already have an "exit plan"?


One more thing to consider is that it might be the same OW as LOTS of affairs continue after dday#1 but the WS just takes it more underground.


Looks like your H is deleting texts but have you checked the call log on his phone yet? It is easier to remember to delete texts than calls. Look to see if some of the calls are when he is "working" late or at odd hours when he is not with you. If you see the same number over and over at those times you can then do a reverse phone # lookup search and you should be able to get her name. Keep in mind that he might have her number listed as a man's name on his phone too.


I am so sorry you may have to go through another dday. It is so so heart wrenching. Keep posting here for support and advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 4:41pm

Challenged H about his behaviour. Was annoyed with him after I'd returned home at 9pm this evening and found that he hadn't bothered to make any dinner for himself and our 10 year old son (he'd had a very late lunch with a male friend). He's so selfish and lazy it makes me mad. I'd been out buying art supplies with my older daughter and had told him to ahead and eat without us, he'd tried to phone for a take away and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 12:54am

Since you've already been dealing with one D-Day, can I ask what rules you put into place?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Tue, 05-26-2009 - 9:39am

We didn't put any 'formal' rules in place after D Day except no contact with the OW. He knew that I'd hacked into all his emails (work, private and his very private site that was just between him and her). He deleted the very private site in front of me but he had wanted to change his password for his other sites and I asked him not to (he didn't). We never discussed his phone and it wasn't an issue until recently. I periodically checked it and that was all.


I'm sure he isn't in touch with the OW although she isn't dead (wouldn't that be nice...). After I got in touch with her and told her he was blaming her (partly true) she replied that she had been using him anyway! I'm pretty sure that they don't like each other much anymore...


I don't blame you for monitoring your husband. It's better to get proof or (as we all know) they will deny, deny, deny. My husband is one of those rare men who like to discuss all sorts with their male friends so that's not unusual for him. In this case I do believe that he was covering for his friend because I know this particular guy and he really is a mess.


I still don't know if I want to stay in this relationship though. I somehow feel like I'm his 'seconds'. He