Thinking about OW too much lately, but..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thinking about OW too much lately, but..
6
Sun, 10-11-2009 - 10:25pm

DH's second bimbo, his bluegrass "friend", was 45 at the time I found out about her.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 12:38am
Yup, but remember for most woman who are the OW, its all about me, me, me. XOW read my pain filled letter to H when I was leaving him but still she persued and persued him even after we started to rebuild.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 2:15pm
Why is it our cheating spouses WILL NOT see the bad behavior of these women?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 10:53pm

OMG, our

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 11:10am

Yeah, a real sweetheart to all the guys (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). DH and I had the conversation. He was shocked that I hated her and told me that I shouldn't. I painted a picture of her for him, the picture of her that I saw. It wasn't pretty. I asked him how he could feel that good someone who would treat his W the way she had. Once again, he had no good answer. So, he gave up on trying to get me to see her good qualities and I gave up one getting him to see how "nice" people don't do what she did. I know he did have some bad feelings for her that included anger and exasperation for not taking the hint that he wanted her to leave him alone. But mostly, he thought highly of her even through Dday #2.

It has been four and a half years since Dday #1 (two since Dday #2) and I asked him recently how he felt about her. Really, I asked him if he felt the need to reconnect with her. He said he didn't. While he didn't hate her, his feelings for her were colored by that horrible time in our lives and the hurt their R caused me. He had no desire to revisit that in any way and did not want to invite her into our lives even just a little bit. I don't think he ever saw her in the very bad light I saw her, but he did come to understand that she wasn't the amazing person he thought she was. His opinion came to be more realistic and rounded, he saw the bad along with the good.

My opinion of her has changed, too. I don't think she is evil or a slut anymore. She is someone who made some bad decisions that had a huge adverse affect on me. I would like to think that she learned from it, but I don't know that she did since she appeared in DH's office a year after Dday #2 to see if she could get back in. She is flawed, as I am. I have some empathy for her, but no sympathy. She is who she is and she cannot hurt me anymore. I think my opinion of her has become more realistic and rounded although more negative than positive.

I once had a conversation with an xOW on one of these board in which she gave me a hard time for thinking as badly of the OW as I did. She accused me of hating her and all sorts of things because I could not praise her or think highly of her. Finally, I told her that xOW had shown me who she was and I believed her the first time. That was the end of the conversation. When someone hurts us like that, it is unreasonable to expect us to forget or to not let that person's actions color our opinion of that person.

Anyway, I think as your H continues to get counseling and the counselor helps him to see your side of this, he will come to see that xOW was not such a sweetheart. It would be wise to leave that subject alone for a while.

I still think you and a couple of friends should develop an interest in weeds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 12:52pm

Myradorn,


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 1:24pm

I guess I am glad that my DH thinks of the XOW as a piece of trash. He also thought he was a piece of trash while he was in the A and he told me that