Can I please vent?
Aw Friend,I'm feeling your pain. I understand just what you mean by "I've been faking it pretty well, but I'm really a mess". One day I feel like I want this to work and have no doubt that we can over come anything and the next I just don't want to hurt anymore. Problem is... that if he's out, I know the pain won't be gone. I do hold on to the faith, that anyone can change. I mean look at those success stories and tells of addictions that were over come and couples that got through this to find a better relationship. I just don't know anymore and that is how you're sounding, too. I am literally getting my H home 3 to 4 nights a week and the other is spent doing... well her. God, it kills me over and over. I feel so stupid all the time. I wonder if they've ruined us forever. Will any of us ever be able to trust completely again? Will are children, who are going through this pain along side of us?
I've come to feel like time is my most dreaded enemy. I'm not a patient person, by nature (fault I need to work on). And it makes me so angry that I have to wait this all out if I want this relationship to continue. The worst is that we may just do all this work for nothing. I guess the question we must answer is, is it worth trying? For me... yes. Not for the man my H is now, but for the man I know he can be and has been.
My H keeps telling me that he's trying to see if our relationship can ever be what he wants it to be? I keep trying to explain to him that he can't base what's going on right now on anything. I am not whole, I am not in a marriage... I am in a nightmare. I'm angry, sad, anxious, hurt, betrayed so much of the time. The times I notice him sniffing around (as in, "Uh-oh, I might loose her") is when I can keep it together and pretend like I'm okay. Easier said that done, I know! Guess I don't really have any advice, but sympathy and understanding for how you are feeling. It helps me to know that I'm not alone in this and that people do survive this pain. I don't know how yet, but it gives me hope to know that it's possible.Hugs
"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop." Herb Stein
Patience eventually starts to disappear.
You're on target.
This is difficult work you are doing. I remember there were so many things I buried and didn't let myself think about when I was M to my xH. After I left him, it took a couple of years to work through and to forgive myself for allowing such things in my life. I admire what you are doing.
I urge you to have more than a back up plan. Start on it now. Part of the feeling of helplessness you have is that your life is so wrapped up in his. Seeing this therapist is so good for you because it is making you strong, and doing things towards making the potential that you might have to have a life without him obvious will give you even more power. Start taking classes now and ease back into that career part time. Let him see that while he may be the center of your universe, is is not the depth and breadth of it. You can and will have a full and rich life with or without him. Start making the life you want right now.
Besides, if you do end up leaving him, it will feel darned good knowing that he financed those classes and having them over with will make easing into your new life smoother.
Lets face it, he isn't really going to change. He sounds like the kind of guy who has good intentions until he is distracted by some shiny new toy or woman.
Wow, I could almost have written your initial reply word for word.
It does help to know there are others out there feeling with us. I suppose that's a bit sick to find peace in the knowledge that others are suffering like we are. I'm not even sure how I'm surviving this suffering anymore. My H and I get so close to taking that step of "moving forward" (or maybe that's me just wishful hoping?)
The insane thing is that I know he loves me. Maybe more that ever??? How can I even explain that? When we connect, it is very powerful. We've been together so long and gone through so much... my desire for this M to succeed is more powerful than me.
Sometimes I compare my desire to his and I wonder if that's how strong the hold she has over him is? He is so weak! He's afraid of losing me and what we have, but I know he'll have to loose it in order to end it with her. It kills me to know that, to know that I will have to leave him and chance it. I really feel like I've just come to this... maybe just today? I'll probably feel different tomorrow, who knows? I never know moment to moment as I'm sure you understand.
On Sunday, my H said and did everything including begging to convince me that he wanted this M to work. He said he was sure of what he wanted and it was ending with H. I said we'll see, you need to prove it. We had an amazing 48 hrs. We've been very careful with each others feelings, both aware that the other is feeling very raw. Also realizing that this won't be a quick fix. We kept the communication open and didn't do any tense talking. I know it will take him time to heal from this experience, too. I even talked to him about that. I told him that I recognize the pain that he is feeling and even though it was self induced that I'm sad to see him suffering. I didn't commit out loud to him, just watched and waited. Today is tuesday, we started off our day talking about taking a camping trip. A kiss and hug goodbye and off to work. In my heart, I knew when he left this morning that he would not be coming home tonight... I didn't say anything when he announced the late meeting on his way out the door. Kept quite when he texted from work with just chit chat(he contacted me). Still kept quite when it came to be 3 hours after the meeting which should have been an hour. Went walking and left him a note (just in case he came home, so he wouldn't worry). He's finally contacted me to let me know he's taking a female co-worker home as she has a flat tire and happens to live an hour away. Asked if I got his earlier message concerning this matter. Of course I had not, since he didn't send one! Waited awhile, took some deep breaths and then responded, "I didn't get your message earlier, but getting it loud and clear now!" No response back from him, seems he's forgotten what he wants again...
But now what, do I leave tonight? Three kids at home and work in the morning? Do I lock the bedroom door again? Last time I did that he spent the night with her? Just as he can't make his choice... i can't seem to take that final step either.
I feel myself getting a little stronger everyday. I didn't cry over this, I know I will when everyone's in bed and I'm alone again. So, much harder to face this after two good days. I'm at a loss. I know what everyone will say. Here's my biggest problem: I think I feel ready to leave/or kick him out, but I feel like I have to be ready to face whatever could happen. I have to be ready to face the fact that he may never come home again or that I may never let him. I have to be ready to face life without him and I'm not. I can't begin to imagine what life would be like without him. I've been married to him since I was 17 years old and I can't remember what life without him feels like. I'm only ready to kick him out if it will bring him back to me and I'm so afraid to take that risk.
I think I'm married to Dr. Jekyle and Mr. Hyde. I've called a IC for myself , waiting for an appointment. I'M SO SICK OF WAITING!!!
Sorry, I'm just going on and on to no end. Obviously, I'm feeling very frustrated and angry right now. Sometimes that is so much better than feeling sad... I just don't want to become one of those very bitter angry divorced women that everyone avoids, that's so not who I am. I'm the wife that meant it when I said, "for better or for worse, till death do us part."Ugh, here come those tears................how is it possible to hate and love someone so very much?
The times I hate the most are the times when I'm waiting to see what happens, or worse yet when I'm bewildered and trying to make a decision and just can't.
I am so sorry.