Triggers and Counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Triggers and Counseling
Tue, 09-01-2009 - 7:19pm

I had a trigger today. I was in the post office in the morning and had a parcel to pick up. There was a lady in front of me, I know her, she used to be my doctor and she has three children, her youngest was with her. A little girl, who was standing at the counter and looking at me, I looked back and smiled and then it hit me out of no where and I started crying. I stopped as quickly as I could and I don't think anyone saw but it was just weird.

So this is one of the reasons prompting me to finally seek counseling. I've been holding off because well I think I'm doing okay for the most part. I'm reading a lot on line and ordered that book on after the affair. We only have one counselor in town and I've know him since he moved to town 3 years ago. He and his wife bought my BIL/SIL house. I was in prenatal groups and mom groups with them. There daughter goes to daycare with my youngest son.

I know he's great to talk to, I went to him before when I had issues with my oldest son. I felt good talking to him but now because of all this stuff and the the fact that I know him, just messes me up. I'm 6 hours away from the city, and I can't make weekly trips there, so I guess I have to buck up and just call but I'm scared.

I'm totally avoiding having to deal with all this. The OW checked into paternity tests and found out how to do it. So H is going to pay for it and do it. He's positive the girl is his and I don't really doubt him on that but I'm not looking forward to telling my family, our life has been stressful enough with them. H is 15 years older than I am and my family has always not seen him in a good light. My mom especially is always making comments in a passive aggressive way about him.

But i've decided that once our marriage is stronger that I will tell them and remind them it's my life and they can not comment on it or the situation or bad mouth my H to me or my kids.

Okay, i'm going to call the counselor now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Tue, 09-01-2009 - 8:46pm


Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 12:23pm

"I went to him before when I had issues with my oldest son. I felt good talking to him but now because of all this stuff and the the fact that I know him, just messes me up."

Yeah, my spouse was taking my son to a shrink at the same time as the affair. She was very frustrated with him and just hated the guy. So when I randomly picked a councilor. Guess who?? Yep, it was the same guy. So he knew who my spouse was when I was just going off about her.

"My mom especially is always making comments in a passive aggressive way about him."

My best advice here is that anything you can do to protect your spouse now with your folks, will pay dividends down the road. I shredded my spouse with my family and I'm having to really pick up the pieces now.

"The OW checked into paternity tests and found out how to do it."

That's really awful. The worst I had to deal with was having my spouse tested for STD's by our family doctor. Her having to explain that she had sex with someone other than me was really awful. But having a human being created by the affair, and all the little problems associated that would be misery times nine. I'm soo sorry. You must be a very strong person to be functioning as well as you are.


5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 12:56pm

Thank you for responding. I made the rest of yesterday a better day by staying positive, even had spontaneous you know with H, took a break from work and went to see him.

This morning though was rough, H and I talked a bit and cried and he consoled me. I showered to get ready for work and he hugged me later and called me at work to see if I was okay. He also reminded me that he can't even think of losing me, he loves me and wants to grow old with me and have our dream life we've always talked about. I want that too but there are obstacles right now and we have to survive that first.

I did call the counselor yesterday and left a message to make an appointment but haven't heard back yet. I'll probably get a call today and I'm hoping he can fit me in on Friday.

I've grown and learned a lot in the 12 years I've been with my H. When we first met i didn't have a lot of self esteem when it came to my family but I've taken workshops and done a lot of reading over the years to know that no matter what no one else can tell me what makes me happy, the choices I make are my own. I have stood up for myself with my parents, my dad was the worst about comments about my weight and both of them about our parenting and it's no wonder I go so big but H loved me no matter what my size and that is rare these days in this perfectionism world. They no longer, well my dad no longer makes comments about my weight and parenting (he thinks I need to spank my kids and we don't want to do that, it doesn't feel right to us) but my mom thinks she's being subtle with her wording but come on!

Last nov I finally started my journey to a healthier lifestyle and so far I've lost 40lb and I made sure I was not derailed by the stress in my life now and I continue to eat well and exercise though I have to quit smoking but right now the smoking is my big stress reliever beside walking but I do have a plan for the next couple of weeks to quit.

So one day at a time and I'm hoping we can get through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 4:27pm
I think we all have triggers.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Mon, 09-21-2009 - 3:31am

In my case, counseling has been a life saver. I could not have made it through the first few days without seeing a counselor.

You sound like you're doing some great things for yourself - be proud of all you've accomplished!