Trust - Will it come with time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Trust - Will it come with time?
8
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 3:16am

I have not been around much lately - problems with my laptop, but I'm glad to be back.

We're approaching 2 years since d-day, and my H feels that I am not being very open with him, especially sexually. He thinks it is from resentment - I can see that is some of it, I am still definitely dealing with that, but I think a lot of it is lack of trust.

The ironic thing is that for the first time in our relationship, he is actually being trustworthy! He had an epiphany on d-day and confessed a lot to me. He also changed his boundaries (or rather lack there of) drastically. So while it seems to him that I should finally be trusting him, I'm playing catch up and still reeling over all the lies and deception from years past.

I think part of my trust issue is that I do not want to be the "fool" again. I spent 22 years thinking that he was faithful; never catching him flirting, emailing, or calling other women and actually ignoring the texting which he said was nothing. So when I found out that he had been with several other women during our marriage, I felt like an idiot. Is my woman's intuition totally broken? Am I too gullible for my own good? Did he marry me because I'm gullible? I know there's nothing wrong with being a trusting wife, but really, this is ridiculous! So now, if I trust that he really has changed and them I'm wrong again, I'm not sure I could take that.

I do have access to all of his text messages, emails, etc., but I know full well that he could have accounts I don't know about or find other ways to hide anything if he wanted to. And even after all this, I have no read on him - he could lie to me face and I would have no idea.

So I guess the question for me is does this just change with time? My H thinks that it's more a matter of just making a decision and taking the risk - like a leap of faith.

I know this subject has been done to death, but it's really a big issue for me right now and any thoughts you all have would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 8:42am

Hey, by the way, how did the reunion go?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 9:48pm

I am with you on not wanting to be made "the fool" again. I chose to trust after dday#1 and what did that get me?......A big fat horrible dday#2.


So, for me, I now choose to not trust unless its "trust but verify" just like poster number two. Its also a bit harder for me because the OW was in his life for three years, lives very close and was very much addicted and "in love" with him. I know she is just waiting in the wings and always probably will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 12:13am

don't know if trust will ever come... it seems like to me , that every chance he says something

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 5:14pm
You know Red, if you did not go to that reunion, that's just fine. Relax and work on getting those kids into college. After all, you got him not those dames. It's tough out there today. The economy is bad. So relax. My thoughts are for you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 10:09pm

Thanks for your reply. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. The A/C adapter for my laptop is shot which leaves me only the desktop, and it's nearly impossible to get time alone to post here. I'll be getting a new adapter soon, so I'll be around more again I hope!

Thanks for asking about the reunion. We went, and I actually did have a very good time. It was great to see a lot of old friends again. The two OW were around nearly to whole time, so that part was tense. I really thought I would be able to at least say "hi" to them, but I didn't even want to be in the same room and basically avoided all eye contact or any other contact with them. I didn't let it ruin my fun, though, which was good.

Still sorting out all my various thoughts on trust and appreciating the replies I am getting. More later: my alone time at the desktop has come to an end. :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 2:27am

I'm glad you had a great time at that reunion. Next year there will be one from my husband's high school and am seriously thinking

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 1:29pm

I know you wouldn't wish any of this on anybody, but at the same time it does help to find out you aren't alone, too.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 2:34pm