Trust - Will it come with time?
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|Sun, 10-25-2009 - 3:16am|
I have not been around much lately - problems with my laptop, but I'm glad to be back.
We're approaching 2 years since d-day, and my H feels that I am not being very open with him, especially sexually. He thinks it is from resentment - I can see that is some of it, I am still definitely dealing with that, but I think a lot of it is lack of trust.
The ironic thing is that for the first time in our relationship, he is actually being trustworthy! He had an epiphany on d-day and confessed a lot to me. He also changed his boundaries (or rather lack there of) drastically. So while it seems to him that I should finally be trusting him, I'm playing catch up and still reeling over all the lies and deception from years past.
I think part of my trust issue is that I do not want to be the "fool" again. I spent 22 years thinking that he was faithful; never catching him flirting, emailing, or calling other women and actually ignoring the texting which he said was nothing. So when I found out that he had been with several other women during our marriage, I felt like an idiot. Is my woman's intuition totally broken? Am I too gullible for my own good? Did he marry me because I'm gullible? I know there's nothing wrong with being a trusting wife, but really, this is ridiculous! So now, if I trust that he really has changed and them I'm wrong again, I'm not sure I could take that.
I do have access to all of his text messages, emails, etc., but I know full well that he could have accounts I don't know about or find other ways to hide anything if he wanted to. And even after all this, I have no read on him - he could lie to me face and I would have no idea.
So I guess the question for me is does this just change with time? My H thinks that it's more a matter of just making a decision and taking the risk - like a leap of faith.
I know this subject has been done to death, but it's really a big issue for me right now and any thoughts you all have would be greatly appreciated.